My attorney said not to spend money either. But our old boat sank last year in a wind storm, and i had been planning on buying a new one.
This one is more expensive, but i'm using the insurance money for part of it.
So its more of a replacement. She even said I should buy a new boat. I don't know. I'm sure it will hurt me in the long run.
Also, i talked to my wife briefly this morning - she is still full steam ahead with seperation, and even mentioned that she talked to her counselor, and for whatever reason she brought up my changes, and how it annoys and frustrates her because its too late. And her counselor said "a lot of time its just a coping mechanism for men, and they revert right back to the way they are, sometimes it is permenant, but not most of the time."
I asked her what she thought, and she said yeah that my changes are temporary.. I didn't say anything.
I'm glad she got a marriage hater for a counselor. I guess I couldn't expect her lawyer to look out for our family.
Anyways, so today i'm off to meet with a family therapist with my wife. Should be good times. I'll update later today.
My W is the same, her cousin (the divorced and bitter one) keeps telling her that I will never change (controlling and jealousy).
And my W keeps stating that it is too late.
The one thing our W's have in common is that they are quitters. Sad but true.
AndyV M38 W36 D7 M 13 years Together 17 years W wants D mid Dec 06 (ring off) W wants separation early Jan 07 (she backdated to Oct 06) EA revealed end March 07 (Nov 06 W first meeting with OM) Hallmark moment "I care for you but am no longer in love with you."
Is it just me, or does it seem like everyday brings some new excitement.
Today - my wife and I met with a Family counselor to discuss how to tell the kids about the impending seperation. tips on how to make it easier on the kids, what to look out for behavior wize and how to handle it, etc.
So my wife decides to have lunch together before the meeting, and the conversation was light, we drive in for the meeting together, and are in a fairly good mood. The therapist was getting something, and as we are sitting down on the couch, my wife and i are laughing about something personal.
So.. the therapy session starts off with the therapist getting our family data. Age of kids, etc. Then he starts asking questions about our marriage, when the problems started, what we were feeling, if we had gone to marriage counseling, etc. He then explains that divorce is really hard on kids, and if when he gets asked what the best thing to do for the kids, he has to ask parents if they honestly did everything they could to save the marriage.
So for the next 30 minutes he is basically pointing questions at my wife and I about our feelings, marriage, the OM, etc. He even asked my wife, if her aversion to trying was that she couldn't imagine feeling love for me again, or she is afraid of doing the work of trying? She didn't really answer this question.
He also said, "kids, especially older ones are very savvy, they will ask you did you try?"
Anyways, my wife the whole time was really clear that she had given up a long time ago. She eluded to the fact that she couldn't see anything between us, was not attracted to me anymore, etc. She also tried to say that even if the OM was out of the picture she would feel the same way, but she got busted on some other questions where she admitted that the OM played a role in why she wants out. He also asked about her families experience with divorce, and really drove home some points about being a child of multiple divorces.
In another part of the discussion, he talked about her feelings for me, and she said she has always questioned if I was right for her, but in other parts of the conversation stated that we had something really special together.
The counselor was relentless. In 45 minutes he covered so much of our history, and really asked some tough questions of both of us. I listened, I validated, I tried to keep my answers brief. I stayed out of the business of convincing her to try. I just stated my feelings when asked.
When we left the office, i looked at my wife and said "i really didn't expect that. I hope you don't think I set that up" - then i showed her my notes of the things I wanted to go over in the meeting that I had in my pocket, all things like - how to talk to kids about seperation, etc.
She said she felt a little ambuished, but she didn't think i was behind it. She said next time we should go in there arguing. I said "yeah next time no laughing about xxxx when we sit down on the couch" she looked at me and started laughing. I avoided any R talk on the way home. From the stuff she brought up though her mind is still made up on the seperation. Either way, i didn't expect the impromptu marriage counseling today so I didn't expect any changes in the situation, so it is what it is.
Either way, it was a suprise to me, and I think of all the possible outcomes it was pretty good for a family therapy session that should have had us walking away with preliminary seperation plans.
So last night before bed, my wife comes down to my room. And i ask her whats up. She says nothing. Then she says "i'm just a little weirded out by the therapy session today".
I replied "hmm, yeah i did not expect that".
She then said "its just that i feel like we took a step backwards, not in the direction I want to move in with this".
I said, "ok. well we have another session with him next week". I started to say "I think when parents come in saying they want the best for their kids, he feels obligated to tell them staying married is the best for the kids." I got about halfway through it, and she started saying something, so i shut up. I really had to bite my tongue not to say anything further, i felt i would just start a R talk.
Now this morning, she is acting slightly different. I'm not sure what it is yet. I just hope she isn't trying to "feel" something for me right now. In the session i was able to say that i don't feel our feelings for eachother just died one day, and that they decreased over time, so I don't think the feelings can just be turned back on like a switch, and that it would take time.
Either way, it was a suprise to me, and I think of all the possible outcomes it was pretty good for a family therapy session that should have had us walking away with preliminary seperation plans.
I think you did a good job staying 'neutral' in your reaction. You NEED to make sure you don't do anything to try to 'get her to change her mind'. Stay the course.
Let HER have to process this event on her own. Say very little. She's the one who has to question what she's doing - not you. She has to ask herself if she DID do everything she could have done.
I don't know what to do, my situation is totally BS right now. My wife is hellbent on divorce/seperation, and is having an affair with another man. On top of it to seperate she wants to buy a new house before she moves out of the house.
She just sent me an email from a realestate website telling me how much she loved this house, and how i should go with her to check them out.
WTF? I am tired of this, i've let her walk over me too long. Should i help her get dressed for dates with this guy too? I love her, but i think we have to live seperately right now.
I am thinking about sending her an email: --------------------------------------------------------- I'm not sure how to respond to these kind of emails. I apologize if I haven't been clear concerning my feelings around splitting the family up, but I feel it is insensitive to say the least for you to expect me to get excited about the house & neighborhood you want to start your new life in.
At the same time, our living situation definately needs to change. You have said you have stopped seeing OM, but it is obvious that is only accurate in its most limited definition. I am no longer willing to live in a house with a woman who is having a relationship with another man. Until our money is split evenly, I believe the only option is for one of us to rent at this time. If you are unwilling to find a place to rent then I will.
I'm also thinking that as part of this we need to iron out some details, including things like:
1. Parenting Plan - would you like a 4 day split, or a week on/week off? 2. Money - I suggest we open seperate bank accounts, and take some dollar amount maybe $XXXXX.00 each to live on temporarily. The rest of the money can stay in put for the time being. Thoughts? a. Things like the house bills can be shared expenses. We should each pay 50% towards utilities, maintenance, etc, until we figure out what happens to the house. b. We should each get seperate credit cards, or decide to use different ones so we can pay the bills seperately. --------------------------------------------------------
