I saw your note on Nikki's thread. I'm sorry, but I don't have time to read your sitch or keep up with you.
I did scan a few posts. This jumped out at me:
"Well we talked again last night - I woke at 12 AM and could not fall back to sleep - I called him and I know I should not have...He really needs his space but he makes me feel better even though we talked about ending it..."
This is selfish, manipulative, self-destructive, and toxic to your sitch. It is no doubt undermining any chances you have to reconcile. It is no doubt interferring with your ability to get happy on your own. It IS unhealthy for you to USE H to make YOU feel better, for many, many reasons.
Get a C, get the phone numbers of some DBers, join a support group, confide in a trusted friend, whatever. Talk to them, lean on them. DO NOT rely on H to be your caretaker. DO NOT ask H to be your caretaker. DO NOT seek comfort from H AT ALL. Do some research on enmeshment issues. You have GOT to get your own life, stand on your own feet in your own world. Get off H's planet, he doesn't want you there right now. You are NOT welcome, and you are NOT entitled to be there. Become an independent adult who is happy with her own life. That should be your number one priority right now. Forget your sitch, forget trying to manage H, you do not hold the magic key nor will you ever hold the magic key. FOCUS ON YOURSELF.
I agree with whoever said do the LRT bigtime -- you have GOT to get a grip on yourself and you cannot do that if you continue to expose yourself to H. This is about YOU reclaiming your own identity. Get on with it.
