"H is asking, but I'm afraid to commit to anything, and afraid to say anything that makes my dad's health seem even scarier. He doesn't know about the heart attack and it sucks, I wish I could tell him and get hugs but I don't feel safe doing it right now."
This is sooo wrong in so many ways:
-- it is dishonest -- it is withholding -- you are not giving H a chance to be a decent guy -- you are hiding stuff from him to avoid his reaction (I know you love it when he does this to you) -- you are creating barriers to intimacy -- you are building into your M things you don't want it to have -- you are not treating H decently -- you are mindreading and expecting H to be an *ss -- you are doing stuff (by all of the above) that will hurt H very deeply if he finds out later
STOP IT. NOW. Tell him NOW:
"H, I need to tell you something. I learned yesterday that my father had a heart attack and is having a procedure. It really shook me up. I want to spend time with him this weekend. That is why I was vague about the racing thing. I am very sorry about not telling you right away. I hesitated because I scared myself telling myself all kinds of stories about how you would react. That was not fair to you. You are a compassionate and loving man. You deserve better than my withholding things from you to try to manage you. I will do better in the future."
