You know something funny? Over the last month my wife and I have started IMing each other a good bit more. How we end our IMs is what's interesting. I started saying have a GREAT day and she replies the same. Yes it's something we all say to one another but it's the unwritten that's behind it. Previously we didn't say this in emails or verbally. Now we say it all the time. It's almost like a precursor to ending conversations with three other words. Then again maybe I am over analyzing again!
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
Dude, I would kill for my wife to start IM'ing me again. I really thought she would have by now after our meeting.
So, it appears you and your wife are builing something good. That is excellent news. I think NM said it best, Rome wasn't built in a day and neither will your new R. Enjoy what you have going on, and make it better every day.
Keep it up man, you're an inspiration!
We can talk ourselves into defeat or we can talk ourselves into victory - we are creatures of our thinking.
3/31/07 - Hit with a brick, leaving the dent there...
CF- You are putting way too much pressure on your wife. Please, I was there, did it and it just did not work. Just so you know, I went dark between Nov.-Dec., no change in attitude, started counseling with DB coaches and started dialog in mid-Dec. Then, when my wife's health started deteriorating, I started putting pressure (I realize that now).She announced to me that she was going ahead with the divorce, pulled up a separation plan (did not make it legal) and made arrangements to separate finances etc. - all the while I was asking, why do you want to do all this right now, can't we just wait? The response was - I can't have this hanging over my head (made me feel real good that I was such a burden). I did a massive backslide then talking to her cousin which basically led to her getting royally ticked off (your comments about W's friends are right on - you just have to learn to ignore what might be happening there). It was probably only then that I DB'd a 100% and learnt how to detach lovingly (very hard), but cut out all R talk etc. - the way I saw it, everything I'd tried just did not work and it was time to try some thing else. Along came spring break in the end of March and she relented and said, maybe I won't file for D right now, April - it was like, start coming back home every week and May was the first time I even touched her in 8 months. Come June, she decides to move down, but in between I agreed to sell our current house (because it reminded her of us), look for other houses for her and the kids etc. The reason I am writing all this is to let you know - you just need to quit all R talk, it is unfair, but you keep bringing it up to your W, you're just prolonging the process and negating all the other good you are doing. Detach, Detach and detach - no pressures whatsoever. Your W has a lot of feelings for you and she will come around - she will do it on her own timeframe and of her own will (which makes it doubly sweet) and your patience will be tested. But right now, you are taking 2 steps forward and 2 back and essentially standing still - time to change that. Good luck to you..
H-36 W-38 Married 14yrs Together 17 2 Children (D12, S15) 9/20/05 - Seperated 4/23/07 - Dbomb dropped 4/25/07 - I Love you, not in love "If it's not hard, it's not worth fighting for."
Last night's conversation was her idea and it was things she wanted to talk about. We covered a lot of ground that to this point we hadn't talked about. For her she came to realize she that her efforts start with my 40th birthday gift were more than successful in getting to fall back in love with her. For her she felt she wasn't falling back in love with me so that really stung her last night. But she also realized finally how much I was trying and she failed to see it. Which leads us back to today and both of us looking at this as a fresh start beginning with being friends again.
As for R talk from me, well that'll end for the most part, she finally opened up and said what she had been thinking and feeling and I know have a better understanding. So off I go to just be her friend without pressure. Knowing that she too is doing that and has a similar hope for the outcome. She wants this too which does make it very sweet for me. But there are no guarantees it'll come about but at least we both know we gave it our best and that's all we can expect.
Now off to go do things for me!
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
One thing I mentioned in the post was her comment about forgiveness. I happened to tell her about a good web site on the subject and that if she wanted I would give her the link. She said yes please do. So this morning while we were IMing I gave her the link. Tonight it came up and she read a good bit of the site and said she really liked it and wanted to finish reading it. The way she spoke it sounds like it struck a cord with her too.
hang in there catfan! sounds like maybe she's just feeling like things have moved too fast, and she wants to stop moving for a spell, and see how she's feeling? I'd say, let her feel comfortable in where you are now for a while, and dont push for a while. let her catch her breath?
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
I'm hanging in there. The whole separation agreement discussion has really place a damper on everything. She's fairly adamant about getting it finalized. Why, because she believes we need to manage our expectations. She also feels it's a very equitable document. But it's not and what I mean is it was written by a lawyer in such a manner with the expectation that it would go through a protracted negotiation. My lawyer told me basically her lawyer is asking for everything and giving nothing. It basically demands I make all the concessions while providing no reciprocating actions or points.
She and I talked last night and decided it's best we sit down and negotiate directly so that we do not allow the lawyers to turn this into an adversarial thing. Plus this allows us to work on a major point in our marriage, the lack of conflict resolution. We never fought, we avoided it. So now we have to negotiate a very difficult topic.
One thing she did say last night was that she wants to continue the positive growth between us. She still wants to work on being friends and seeing if that can leads us to something more.
The one positive I do have to say in all of this is that even on Friday night when we had a short contentious conversation about the agreement she still said "I told you, I am open to reconciliation." That is a huge positive given the progression of her attitude in the last month. She has gone from "I want to be friends again" to "I would like to think we can be friends again then maybe be together again someday" to "We are being friends again and I hope we can go further" to finally "I am open to reconciliation." Now that's a hell of a progression in a month! Not hard to see why I am struggling with the near demand we have a sep agreement in place.
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
