The annoying, childish, poor me postcard is what makes D difficult even though your children are older and better able to handle it. My ex is full of this kind of that kind of behavior. He "shares" his financial woes, inability to sustain a R, inability to sustain a job etc... with the kids incessantly. All the while he declares his undying, overwhelming, all encompassing (subtext: better than Mom's) love for them and uses the woes as excuses not to see them, not to pay child support (my children don't know that their Dad rarely pays his support and that it has been repeatedly reduced to an absolutely ridiculous level). Even if the kids are older you wonder how they feel just sharing the gene pool with a man who behaves that way, you wonder if they will someday use his weakness as a way to excuse poor behavior or inaction (as in, "guess I'm just like Dad), you wonder if they will judge themselves unworthy of good things, a happy marriage etc...due to all of that. So far my children seem able to compartmentalize their thinking on things. They separate his inaction from the fact that he does love them. They separate the D from their right to enjoy a good R with their Stepdad (my pre-pubescent 10 yo D has a more difficult time - she compares an idealized Dad to my DH a lot).
BTW - quit getting me hot with all this sexual banter. It isn't good for me. I am a middle aged, suburban Mom who works at a hippie, liberal non-profit for Gawds sake!
As for your Dh's orientation- it doesn't seem "other oriented" - it is narscissistic. He might have experimented with a man at some point if only to see what reflected him in a light he liked. KWIM?
