I'm SORRY, I have just been busy! Last weekend, it was late and I'd had many beers and I checked online really quickly, and saw your posts about what I SHOULD have done (agreed), but did not have time to respond and have not been on once since!
Joey just left this morning for a 5-day business trip. We've been busy lately. The big thing I never got around to mentioning from the last "episode" I journaled about was that I did one of the things from Joey's "list" (he hates me to call it that) and did so willingly. We talked about it briefly in counseling and he acknowledged that it helped him. While we did ARGUE in that session, he said going into it that he wanted to make a deal/promise/whatever you want to call it that we would ML that night no matter what happened. I said SURE! Great! It did get heated, but we ARE moving forward. We have each had our moments of being reminded of things that burn us up and make us feel angry and entitled but are dealing with them better.
He says that in that session he said things he has never said before, in trying to explain his feelings to me. He says he thinks I still don't get it, but those "things" he wants me to do sexually are to try and heal our sexual relationship since that is what was "taken away" when I dumped him and decided he was "not good enough" for me anymore. I tried to say, "was have shared so many things, like having a child together, traveling to foreign countries together, sharing decades together, buying a home together..." He said yes, and those are all great, but the one thing that I have shared with someone else that I cannot ever share with him is sexual stuff, like, before I met him, having sex for the first time, and after I met him and broke up with him, telling someone else that I loved them, etc. He sounded as if he had never really believed me that I had never had anal or swallowing experiences with him, but he just said that the straight, missionary (boring) sex I have given to other people and it's not that special because of it. Half of me wants to keep ranting, "So WHY was it ok for 15 years?" But i know it wasn't "ok." He rather dramatically says, "I just CHOKED IT DOWN all those years and only had MOMENTS of happiness." The other half of me understands a LITTLE better.
One funny thing he said was that he DID notice when I was doing things ... he couldn't find the word, just *different*. He said it almost seemed like I was on a chatboard with other women, talking about things and getting ideas (!) lol! He got immediately heated and angry, when I said like what things, with a big smile...because he's not going to tell me or they don't count, but THOSE are the kinds of things that helps him in dealig with the past.
So, that's where we stand. I said I was not comfortable with him traveling like I always used to be. He really does not know how to respond to that and I can tell it's all he can do not to get defensive or clam up (which pisses me off that he isn't more understanding and apologetic, but continues to downplay his actions while making MUCH MORE of mine). He will repeat "ILY" over and over, which is certainly better than nothing. He said that he felt things are much different now than when he first started communicating with Pam. We both agreed we didn't want to get into it, as he was about to leave for his trip, but I said, "We can have the same argument again about what the previous year was like, we don't agree, but that was part of what hurt, Joey, being blindsided because I didn't know my marriage was at the point of being threatened." That was about it and we said goodbye in a positive way with hugs, kisses and a promise to call each night. (Although I just noticed it's 10:20 and no call yet.)
So, that's what's up. Hopefully it's all good from here. OH! At dinner after our session, I suggested we go to Christie's. He SO tried to play cool, but casually said OK, and promptly paid the check. LOL. It was kind of hard finding something that didn't seem totally smutty, but we did buy some new toys and used them that night, with good results. I was "distracted" because of [censored] about Pam going through my head when we had sex this morning, but it was still nice. He could tell, but it didn't ruin it. I am trying. I reminded him it's only been about 2.5 months. He acts a bit exasperated over it, but tough.
I'm dubbing our old camcorder tapes to dvd and doing a little scrapbooking now that kids are asleep. Phew! Take care and thanks for checking in on me!!!!!!
I was "distracted" because of [censored] about Pam going through my head when we had sex this morning, but it was still nice. He could tell, but it didn't ruin it. I am trying. I reminded him it's only been about 2.5 months. He acts a bit exasperated over it, but tough. 
