I know what you mean about the remorse. BUT I'm gonna tell you what a GF and my C have said. First, C says I'm harder on myself than anyone else. I can only guess the same goes for you. Second, my GF can't believe how much blame I take for our marital problems. She likens my depression to cancer... he was mad (is mad) because he felt I abandoned him during my depression. She said what if it was cancer? Well, DH doesn't really believe in depression, so it's kind of a moot point. Anyway, *I* know things I did wrong and I've told DH that the pain I caused him those years hurts me MORE than the pain HE has caused me. If I could go back and do it all over again, I'd never take him for granted. And I did. I REALLY felt like a princess and he treated me like one... until well.. yeah... it makes me cry just thinking about it.
There was a time before he had his A... the same month... we were in Disney earlier that month and we got into a huge fight. He was hurting because I never wanted to have sex, I never touched him and he didn't think I loved him. So I tried really hard to show him after that. I remember one day telling him "this loving thing is so hard". It was soon after, he had the A and walked the first time. (He had a PA the day before our 18th wedding anniversary... took her flowers the morning of our anniversary and took her to lunch at a really nice restaurant on our anniversary. We went for burgers with the kids. ) Anyway, he left 2 days after our anniversary promising there was no one else and that he didn't think he could love me the way I needed to be loved... he loved me, but wasn't in love with me. He came back that Friday night and told me about the A. I laughed!! I thought it was a joke and said so. I said "you're just testing me". He wasn't. My whole entire world fell apart... and I did with it. I found her number and called her that night and said some not so nice things. I called her back after he took the phone and just left it off the hook. Then I (honestly) called her again on Sunday (it really was by accident) and as soon as I got her voice mail, I hung up. Well, she cried to DH that she was breaking it off with him because she didn't want some crazy lady calling and saying anything to her kids. He called me PISSED!! Oh, I went off... saying she should have thought about that before she opened her legs to him... funny how he cared more about her kids than his own. It was all the truth... and all ugly.
I don't know why I'm telling you the whole story... I just wanted to show you how I messed up that time in Disney and after (and how he did try to reach out) and how I do take a lot of blame for my marriage falling apart. My GF says I take too much blame and I need to forgive myself. I have forgiven him, but not myself. I think I have until I talk about it and it's evident that I haven't.
He came and got 2 of the boys and went to Blockbuster. He didn't discuss tomorrow night and I won't. I look at everything as rejection, so I feel if I don't initiate than I can't be rejected.
) Anyway, he left 2 days after our anniversary promising there was no one else and that he didn't think he could love me the way I needed to be loved... he loved me, but wasn't in love with me. He came back that Friday night and told me about the A. I laughed!! I thought it was a joke and said so. I said "you're just testing me". He wasn't. My whole entire world fell apart... and I did with it. I found her number and called her that night and said some not so nice things. I called her back after he took the phone and just left it off the hook. Then I (honestly) called her again on Sunday (it really was by accident) and as soon as I got her voice mail, I hung up. Well, she cried to DH that she was breaking it off with him because she didn't want some crazy lady calling and saying anything to her kids. He called me PISSED!! Oh, I went off... saying she should have thought about that before she opened her legs to him... funny how he cared more about her kids than his own. It was all the truth... and all ugly. 
