Oh the roller coaster...

[catfan]

Well it appears I have been misreading her all along.

Yesterday while at work we were talking on the phone and she brought up that she had gotten the draft of the separation agreement back from her lawyer. This revelation really threw me and of course it lead to a long discussion about us. I felt things were greatly improving and thought I saw all good small signs. She told me don't confuse improved friendship with possible reconciliation. She claimed she has only been trying to be nice so we can be friends again. This in turn threw me even further.

She's not sure what she wants, she's not pursuing a divorce nor reconciliation. She said she would like to think we can be together again but doesn't see it happening because of who we are right now. I asked what that meant and she said we needed to change. I brought up I was a very different person now so she could only speak for herself. She seems to think I want our old marriage back and I said I want no part of it. I would like to see us build something new and great together. That I saw all the signs this last month that we are heading in the right direction. But she's sprung on me the separation agreement and the financial account separation agreements and that is tough to take.

So we've taken some huge backsteps again all because she can't seem to figure out what it is she wants. Grr!!! Admittedly I need to let go some more too. She says she's quite happy now without the tension of "us". Hell I never realized there was that much tension before but there sure is now! She thinks her wants should supersede everyone else's and then thinly disguises her wants as "the girls wants."

She says she isn't pursuing a divorce nor reconciliation. So what is it she wants? She says "I want to be friends again." Great I want that too but where does that lead to or is it possible that can lead to something more? All I am asking is that we don't close our minds and hearts that we take this as an opportunity and run with it. If it leads to something positive, that is truly wonderful, if not then well enough. But let's approach this as an opportunity for us to find out if we can create something new and wonderful together. It will take time and I am willing to put in the time. But if she's not I may just have to go ahead and bail.

Bottom line I feel we owe it to each other, ourselves and our family to work to be friends again with the outlook that we can be a family together again too. She seems say this is what she'd like or hope happens but she's not doing much to facilitate it.