Oh I know all of that all too well. The friend, well she is potentially an annoyance more than anything. And I do know some of the things she's told my wife because I've seen the emails.
Are you kidding me? Unbelievable! Well, it still doesn't change the fact that only your wife can and will make decisions for herself. Believe me, that's what I'm banking on right now.
We can talk ourselves into defeat or we can talk ourselves into victory - we are creatures of our thinking.
3/31/07 - Hit with a brick, leaving the dent there...
Dude I am banking on it right now too. She's making up her own mind it seems but this "friend" may not be a good influence, we'll see in due time.
I can't worry about any of the other stuff. If I worry it means I am not having faith. So duty is to be a loving, kind, respectful, patient and faithful person to myself, to her, to God and all those I encounter.
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
Well it appears I have been misreading her all along.
Yesterday while at work we were talking on the phone and she brought up that she had gotten the draft of the separation agreement back from her lawyer. This revelation really threw me and of course it lead to a long discussion about us. I felt things were greatly improving and thought I saw all good small signs. She told me don't confuse improved friendship with possible reconciliation. She claimed she has only been trying to be nice so we can be friends again. This in turn threw me even further.
She's not sure what she wants, she's not pursuing a divorce nor reconciliation. She said she would like to think we can be together again but doesn't see it happening because of who we are right now. I asked what that meant and she said we needed to change. I brought up I was a very different person now so she could only speak for herself. She seems to think I want our old marriage back and I said I want no part of it. I would like to see us build something new and great together. That I saw all the signs this last month that we are heading in the right direction. But she's sprung on me the separation agreement and the financial account separation agreements and that is tough to take.
So we've taken some huge backsteps again all because she can't seem to figure out what it is she wants. Grr!!! Admittedly I need to let go some more too. She says she's quite happy now without the tension of "us". Hell I never realized there was that much tension before but there sure is now! She thinks her wants should supersede everyone else's and then thinly disguises her wants as "the girls wants."
She says she isn't pursuing a divorce nor reconciliation. So what is it she wants? She says "I want to be friends again." Great I want that too but where does that lead to or is it possible that can lead to something more? All I am asking is that we don't close our minds and hearts that we take this as an opportunity and run with it. If it leads to something positive, that is truly wonderful, if not then well enough. But let's approach this as an opportunity for us to find out if we can create something new and wonderful together. It will take time and I am willing to put in the time. But if she's not I may just have to go ahead and bail.
Bottom line I feel we owe it to each other, ourselves and our family to work to be friends again with the outlook that we can be a family together again too. She seems say this is what she'd like or hope happens but she's not doing much to facilitate it.
Last edited by catfan; 06/06/0708:22 PM.
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
I think you know the answer to your own questions. You can't look at these things as set-backs necessarilly. You also can't think that just because things have been good for a few weeks, that everything is solved. I know you don't think that. Continue on the path you're on. Continue to make yourself attractive to her - the old marriage is dead, you have to continue to show her for her to believe it. And she will.
You know what you have to do, relax, keep DBing, act "as if," agree with her. Do the 180's (without being a doormat - but it doesn't seem like she's treating you like a doormat. Go to http://www.makingherhappy.com and read some of David Cunningham's stuff. If you can but the eBook, do it. The communication skills he shares are pure gold. Try it out, it def can't hurt. I've enjoyed the reading, as I see my old self square in the wuss role he talks about, and we have to be MEN. Women are attracted to men not wusses. Don't think that it doesn't fit into DBing either, it can and does. DBing is about timing and sensivity, Makingherhappy adds some of the man to woman communication skills that we're all missing. See what happens...
We can talk ourselves into defeat or we can talk ourselves into victory - we are creatures of our thinking.
3/31/07 - Hit with a brick, leaving the dent there...
I'm going to have to check that out myself JR. Don't have time to absorb it here at work, thanks for the share though.
H-36 W-38 Married 14yrs Together 17 2 Children (D12, S15) 9/20/05 - Seperated 4/23/07 - Dbomb dropped 4/25/07 - I Love you, not in love "If it's not hard, it's not worth fighting for."
catfan....sounds like the rollercoaster ride is a tough one...hang in there bro....im 7 weeks post-D and i am still on the ride....(see my thread)....from reading your update i say roll w the punches and try to be her friend...you never know when/if she will have her ephinany...as far as the friends thing goes that is tough..ive encountered the same thing...the new "friends" tell them anything they WANT to hear...not like REAL friends that you know for years and years and they tell it like it is...this is tough to overcome...my WAXW still hangs on the last word anyone tells her as long as it fits the rationalization and justification of what she is doing.....hang in there catfan!...you deserve happiness and i predict it will come to you soon...BIG TUNA
ME-47 WAW-42 S16 S8 bomb 5/5/06 separated 10/6/06 D 4/18/07
You know Tuna, for the last month there have been a HUGE number of little positives with the biggest being we are enjoying and wanting to spend more time together. The timing of the separation agreement and financial documents really threw me. I wasn't expecting them out of the blue like that. I knew they were coming but I did expect some warning. From that I reacted and reacted strongly. I took it in some ways as her saying one thing but doing another.
Well last night we sat down for a good 3 hour long conversation. A lot of what we talked about we really hadn't talked about. We spent a lot of time on how we each felt over the last 3 years, what our thinking was etc. We talked about our impressions of why we thought this all happened. For us this was a very big deal because we hadn't ever really talked this through in a level headed, open minded manner. One comment she made has really stuck with me, "maybe it's time we both forgive each other and ourselves." Absolutely!
That comment really resonated with me because I am trying so very hard to do both. I know if we can do that then we will make a big leap down the right path.
We continually talked about wants and I tried to listen and focus on her wants, validate them and work in how I can help deliver them. She backed off a good bit her stance on my wants after we talked about the partnership aspects of marriage, a subject she brought up at that.
We talked also about expressing how we feel and being honest with each other. I told her to not hold back how she feels that holding back only creates mixed signals which in turn leads to over analysis. She hates how I over analyze but started to see how she owns part of it too. She's reluctant on this because she's "reserved and an introvert by nature". I told her being honest means showing and expressing your feelings.
The feelings conversation lead to speaking each other's love language. She admitted she was not speaking mine at all and would work to do better at it. She admitted I was speaking hers in some ways but had a ways to go. Of which I told her it's nice to know I am finally speaking it correctly since I spend the better part of our marriage and definitely the last 3 years struggling to speak it.
I'm back to being very optimistic about us and that it'll take a really, really long time to build something new together. She is not as optimistic because of her reserved nature. But she wants to believe we can do this together.
I closed my comments by telling her I believe in her, I believe in us and I believe we can get through this together. I said, being friends is the start and we have made good progress in the last month and I'd really like to continue to work on that. (This closing really validated a lot of what she said and has been saying.)
So we ended our 3 hour conversation on a positive note and she felt a lot better because she finally said things that have been on her mind and in her heart and I listened.
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
