thanks for reminding me of something important but easy to forget. I DO have a choice and so many do not...My prayer is to open my mind and heart to the possibility of being happy there and to open my heart to h, to ask for help healing our M. My h is better at being a man than some of my posts reveal. Fact is, we all mostly vent here. It's not quite balanced and you also do have to recall that when others tell You to blow your Marriage off b/c all they hear and see are the negatives. Then, my thinking is that I need some specifics in my mind as to what being happy there would look like. DB coach suggested that, and she's smart to do so. Also suggested H do the same (he may see this as a "list of TO DO" things--which he'll like. For me, all I can do is lessen the risk, never eliminating it. But then that IS life.
Seriously though, I have thought DAILY of cancelling out and just saying NOPE, NOT GOING, and letting him file, or doing so myself. How uncertain can that get? See, I do feel like an MLCer but it's really just a LBSer wondering, after all this inward searching and counselling, etc. whether it/he is worth it....but I have to remind myself that there are others in this to consider...d9 will face upheaval, but she'll have a dad around. Some of the upheaval won't be negative, it'll be adventurous and I think that IS the attitude to have. Just gotta work on it, hard. Thanks again. j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Good to hear from you j, I struggle all the time with just wanting to cut my losses and get on with my life. I also sometimes just want to force the situation to a boiling because I'm tired of waiting for the pot I'm sitting in to slowly get warm. Even tho' doing either of those things is against my core beliefs in marriage, in religion, in my family, it is hard to stop myself more and more often.
It will be an adventure, no doubt about that, let us know when the 1st Alaskian DB get together is going to happen!
Take care j, check on me when you have a chance, lots to read like always, I'm sure I need a reality check too, -JDK
I'm with you entirely emotionally. In ONE HOUR"S TIME, I can literally have the following thoughts:
1) why am I doing this? he doesn't deserve it. Nothing has changed.
2) this move will be good for my legal career at the very least
3) this move will END my creative pursuits/career
4) this move will help d9 with her R with h, and she loves h anyhow, needs him in her life
5) WHY am I uprooting d9 away from her school, friends, home and neighborhood when she is happy here?
6) I could just file for a DIV now as I am already used to the idea of being single and i'm increasingly OK with being without h.
7) Who is H?
8) what's 2 years compared to a 26 yr M? Besides, h is making some baby steps, which are bigger for him than for me, but still exist
9) I can always leave
10) I do love him
11) I feel uncomfortable saying ILY, b/c I no longer know if I really do....
the list goes on, but I am off to get work done....I think you get the point.
jdk, how's THAT for clarity? j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I get the point j and I've done most of those and think the rest of them (except maybe #11, I'm not there... yet). I'd still trade places with you at this point you lucky woman!
You're on your own rollercoaster instead of H's now, I'm in a similar place right now, I'm on a down swing of my own emotions, not because my W is on the down swing. I haven't figured out how get control of my ride, but I'm workin' on it.
Take care j, -JDK
PS: I don't know how much you email, but you can always try me at jdknow@gmail.com
Just returned from Alaska. Got a job offer that sounds less overwhelming than before, and well paying, with a 6 month proviso to re-assess at that time (my suggestion, as I don't want to feel "sentenced" to stay there all winter, etc.). This fall we'll have 2 kids in private colleges for one year (a senior and freshman) and those tuition bills with housing, will top 100k, I kid you not. So, I have to admit, it'll be nice to pay that without H wincing. Also, two conflicting aspects of prof risks for me. One is, If I can do this job after staying at home for several years, it'd be a much better than average re-entry into the work world so if things between h and I go bust, I won't be so disadvantaged. OTOH, by NOT working and staying here, I'd get "alimony" (to me, it's restitution) until if and when I remarry and the amount would be much higher. The cynical side of me says I'm risking way too much in that regard. The other part of me, the part that likes the self sufficiency (but still feels fearful, which is natural when you've been at home only working part time, for so long---kind of my own "bag lady syndrome" wherein I, like many women, fear being on the streets if divorced...not all rational, but still the fear is there--and yes, I think your wife has it too).
We rented a house, small, but in a good area with bikes and basketball hoops around--great signs for the d9. And if we LOVE it there, we'll get a bigger place with a real Alaskan size lot. The rental does have a view of the Chugach mountains and despite the cold winters I'm expecting, the area is beautiful and more like what people imagine when they think of Alaska. We had lived in Fairbanks before and though the summers there are dry and sunny, the "city" of Fairbanks is an armpit of Alaska. A few squat buildings, a muddy river and the mountains are too far to enjoy or even see on a cloudy day. The Anchorage area where we'll be, is very scenic.
I left a note for H, expressing more of my fears and I am sure he tires of hearing it all . Like he wants to start over and I swear JDK, I do too, I THINK! But I just wish he could tell me to my face, "THIS WON'T EVER HAPPEN AGAIN".. Gotta go take the kids to school now.
How are YOU doing? Hey, do you like to fish/hunt? I literally saw 5 moose walking around. Road hazards, fyi. J-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Seems like if you want the option of being sure you have a career and the independence to "take care of yourself" then the job in Alaska should be a safe stepping stone that will help you cover your bases in any event. I've heard mention of alimony being based on multiple years of income so maybe working again verses staying at home, I'm not sure and really don't wanna know
With your education and determination you should be able to talk yourself out of the "fear of being on the streets" part, if not I'll keep trying to convince you. heh! Good to hear you found a place to start out living in Alaska, sounds like a much better place than your last Alaskian "adventure." I used to go hunting and fishing with my dad, haven't been in 25 yrs, but I have a few hunting tools around, should I bring them?
I'm doing ok, wrote my wife a letter recently trying to get more communication going and trying to not lay on any guilt or pain, just trying to move forward and see if she is alone for the ride or staying behind at the station. She arrived this morning for another 5 day visit, seems like even if we make any progress when she is here she is back to square one (or worse) the next time she shows up. By the time she left 10 days ago we'd kissed a few times, held hands alot on the last day she was here and even ML (tho' I'm sure it was just sex to her, no emotional involvement). She shows up this morning and no hug hello, I attempt to hug her and she gets all weird with "what do you want!!!" So whatever, supposed to go to MC tomorrow, she bailed the last time she was here because she is "done with therapists." Plus she had her boob job done 3 days before she came to visit last time and didn't bother to even tell me she was going into surgery, that she'd had it done, I sat there watching and looking at her for 4 days waiting for her to maybe mention it to me and finally told her how much it was a slap in the face and hurt that she didn't even mention that she'd had the surgery. Anyhow when you have lots of time to pass there is plenty to read on my thread.
got some weird cold/flu from a sputum coughing passenger on the plane (TB??--don't you LOVE that the guy spreading that stuff is a plaintiff's attorney?? I do...) so I'm so dang tired I gotta go sleep more.
Anyhow, I'll catch up on your post tomorrow if not tonight. I DO hate the whole hugging you one day and then getting weird on you the next. Talk about mixed signals...how is she with the boys?
I swear, I ache for the kids' hugs and laughs when I'm gone. I'll never understand how parents can leave and keep on staying away. Maybe not looking back is the only way they can handle it. seriously. j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
why the mind reading about the ML only being sex to her? Did she say that? Bet not. Sorry to get so personal, but I do recommend making eye contact, lovingly (obviously, no weird or violent looks please....kidding....) while you're being intimate. That way it doesn't seem so "goal oriented" for either...just a thought. j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
She had mentioned in the past couple months "it is just sex" and she doesn't want to kiss or cuddle or put any emotion or effort into it, just basically lay there, me do what she wants how she wants and that is it. I've tried to hold her hand during it and in the past she would, not now, or kiss her during and she'd do it begrudglingly a little. She is so emotionally disconnected that it shows thru and thru during any physical affection. Hard to put the pieces together when everytime they're thrown all over the place each time, can't make progress. I want to pick up where we left off, not square one (or less) each time she visits.
Wife is good with the kids and dogs, loves them to death, I'm the only one with the plague (or is it TB?). Still not sure how to handle her surgery, it is all the talk at work, but I'm left out in the cold and don't know what to say or ask about it anymore.
