I'm having trouble with one of my goals, and was hoping someone would have better ideas than I do! This is my first posting, so here's a brief summary of my sitch:
Oct. 2006: "I'm happier without you than with you." He felt that we hadn't been "emotionally intimate" in a long time. He'd been unhappy for a long time. I was clueless. I was happy. Although, in retrospect, I see that we had some problems. Dec. 2006: I found out about OW. It's an old flame who had reconnected with over e-mail and phone calls. Hadn't actually seen her in person for almost 20 years. He felt that he couldn't pursue that relationship without leaving me. He moved out. Jan - April: He visits OW every other weekend, but still spends a fair amount of time with me. Walks our dog every afternoon that he's in town. We make dinner together ; go for walks; and sometimes talk R. April 2006: H and OW decided to stop seeing each other because "it's just wrong"; they feel too guilty. They have ceased contact. (She lives in another state) May 2006: H agrees to see MC with me, but only to better understand what happened; not to actually work on R. I"ll take what I can get J. We've had 3 sessions. Also took off his wedding ring and says he doesn't have any reason to believe that we could reconcile.
So, back to my goal (which has been on my list for months): - Passioniate kiss or other indication that he feels chemistry.
We've always gotten along really well, but lost the passion in our relationship over the years. It's been a long time since we've ML. In doing a "Love Languages" exercise, "physical affection" came out really high for H (he made it #1 at first; then changed it to #2). But, I'm having a hard time improving this. At some level, I just want to go to Victoria's Secret, and surprise him with a sexy negligee, but I think he'd see that as contrived and desperate. Even my attempts to touch him more - just touching his shoulder or rubbing his back in passing - might be seen by him as contrived. My MC says I need to flirt. Ahh! I'm terrible at this. Over the past 8 months, I've probably managed to say 2 or 3 really flirtatious things. My best one was after reading "Rekindling the Romance". H asked about it; and I said something like, "I got some good ideas from this book, but it doesn't seem like now's the time. You just let me know when you're ready!" He smiled.
Here's what I have done in trying to reach this goal: - We almost always hug when we part. I've decided never to end the hug. I wait for him. I also caress his back a bit during the hug. Been doing this for a few months. Got one peck on the mouth as a hug ended; otherwise, this doesn't seem to have changed anything, except the hugs are longer - Dressing up when we go out. I wear skirts, earrings, maybe a top/blouse that he picked out for me. Nothing too "sexy", but nice. I know he likes this. He's commented. I also got the "why didn't you do this before…" Sigh. Should I wear something downright sexy next time? - Making it clear that he can spend the night at our (my?) house. We've been separated since December. Upon occasion, he sleeps in the guest room - usually on a Friday or Saturday (no work in the morning), when he's had a bit too much to drink. Over the last several weeks, he's slept with me in our bed twice. The first time kind of sucked. We both stayed completely on our sides of the bed - pretty much no touching. The second time was better. We snuggled, as we used to - but nothing more. He talked about staying over last Saturday night, but asked if the sheets in the guest room were clean. Yes. But not on the bed yet. My parents visited earlier in the week. I'd washed the sheets, but hadn't put them on yet. I said I'd help him put them on the bed, but he just decided to go back to his apartment. - Wear sexy underwear. Seems like there's the off chance he might see it, even if it's just in the laundry basket (he often does laundry at the house). It also just makes me feel more sexy and attractive. No noticeable affect, except that it takes me longer to dress in the morning. - Touching his shoulder or rubbing his back in passing. - Hugs/holding him when one or the other of us is crying. This is fairly common during R talk.
My one real "success" is hard for me to explain. Way back in January, he kissed me passionately. If he hadn't still been involved with OW, I think it would have gone farther. The sitch was that I'd found out about OW in December, and gave up on any short-term reconciliation. I figured he needed to figure out what was going on with OW, before there was any chance for us. So, I backed off completely, and became just a friend. No R talk; no crying; made my own plans, signed up for a kick-boxing class... This had been going on for maybe a month. We still saw each other fairly regularly, but just friends. We were at the house talking, somehow it came out that I'd been to see MC. He was surprised, since he thought I'd given up. I explained that I hadn't *totally* given up, but thought he needed space and to figure out the OW thing. Plus, seeing the MC is useful to me even if we don't get back together - God knows I don't want to make the same mistakes in some other relationship. This opened up a big R talk. He was sitting across the room. Can't remember if he was crying or just upset. I went over to comfort him. He was in a big chair, so I just sat on his lap and gave him a big hug. Boom! He was kissing me! Like I said, I'm not quite sure what happened. We've had lots of R talks, kind of like this one. Tears. Hugging. The thing that stands out as different is that he found out I hadn't given up. So, now he knows. Can't really do that again until/unless I give up again.
So, any ideas? What should I do? I'm worried that there is no chance of him feeling connected and wanting to really reconcile without a stronger physical connection. But he's not very open to a stronger physical connection because he doesn't think there's any hope for the relationship. Plus I think he's still in love with OW. I feel a little stuck.
Oh, one more concept that came from my MC... I need to show him that I need him. Men are attracted to women that need them; that they can protect and take care of. How do I do that?!! It seems too trivial to ask for help with stuff around the house - although I definitely need this. I've fallen completely behind on stuff like calling a plumber, getting the sprinklers turned on, trimming the shrubs... Hard to believe he's going to want to kiss me because I need help pruning. Bigger "needs" feel too much like pursuing. I need him because he "manages" me so well; I "need" him to make me feel safe and secure (I have actually mentioned this and he doesn't believe it); I need him to manage our finances...
Any suggestions are appreciated.
- TreadingWater (we're still seeing each other regularly; he hasn't filed for divorce; but that's where we've been for months)
