What's going on in her head? Anyone?

[AmbientCoast]

BOTH of you having a foundational understanding of the underlying issues, AND a plan for recovery.

'k, gotcha. Thing is, I think she thinks that we *are* fully recovered from the EA side of things. And much of that water is already under the bridge as far as I'm concerned, too. Our primary issue right now is the lack of intimacy - and this was present before the EA.

The 'plan for recovery' needs to address her issues with intimacy.

If she won't attend counseling with you, then I strongly recommend that you see to your finances and speak with an attorney regarding your legal options. Basically, develop an exit strategy. Then sit on it until you need it.

Already done.

You don't have to withdraw from her, but you do need to become "lovingly detached", and realize that while you may want her, you don't need her. There is a difference.

Funny you say that, because I already know I don't *need* her. That feeling has without doubt come to me during the last few weeks, and is growing stronger daily. During our separation when I had accepted that our relationship was probably over, I started to feel excited about being single again, and I could see the benefits of that. Last few weeks, I've been having those exact same feelings all over again. Some days, a future without my wife looks much more appealing that a future with her.

Conversely, the *wanting* is still there, but right now, that feeling is definitely NOT growing.

She needs to get fully engaged in the marriage, and that appears to be something she has never really done.

To be fair, we did get married right in the middle of the shitstorm. When you talk about the relationship instead of the marriage, she definitely was engaged - and committed. Fully. Right up until we had two kiddos. At the beginning, she left her job and sold her house to be with me.

She was also the one who was really, really pushing for marriage - I was a little doubtful about the timing because of what was going on, but she was definitely the one in the driving seat there.

You can only "attract" her so far, at some point in time, she will have to face her responsibility to be in or out. That will likely require a push from you, even if it means she moves the wrong way.

Yep, I'm working on 'manning up' and giving her the push she (or I!) needs.

I know she is back home and embarrassed, but she hasn't stopped looking over the fence.

Aye. I'm a champion snooper and haven't detected anything yet, but I still have my doubts, too - although I am marking those down to issues in me rebuilding my trust in her.