Thank you hopefully tonight and tomorrow will be a better day. I am going to try to make it all day at work without ending up in tears. It never helps a patient when the counselor(me) is not able to pay attention. Side note- I really can spell I just think faster than I can type.
he says he doesn't want to try to work on the realtionship becuase he is still unsure if he wants to fix it. =================== that's it in a nutshell, things went sour for a reason, and he's afraid, yes, afraid that things wont work out, what w/both of you arguing he just thinks it will be heck again. Conradl, have taken a HARD look at yourself and see where you might've gone wrong? if anything I have learned so much from my S, I saw the ugly side of me and how I nagged, rejected him constanty, talked down and put my H last in my life. I thought I was being a good wife, I worked, cooked, care for the kids. But in all honesty, I was a lowsy partner.
Is there any hope left in my relationship? I ======= it feels hopeless but it isn't, you both need to work on your communication skills. You need to listen, truly listen without negating his feelings or jumping up to defend yourself, specially when you disagree. 60% of arguments are unslovable, what you need to learn is not how to solve them but how to agree to disagree, and see his side too.
emotional part of me wants to cry and find a way for him to come home ========== yes, it is normal to feel this way, but he has to come on his own, not by your hand, to make it a lasting decision, he has to decide on his very own. Don't try to get into his head or convince him of anything.
a way to remove the feeling of sickness from your stomach ============= Only time and a conscious decision on your part to decide to be happy everytime you open your eyes will help. In my case I prayed, I'd pray so hard and sometimes my prayer was composed of sobs and me just repeating "please God, help me, it hurts to bad". Eventually, I opened my eyes in the am and told my self "smile, today you have your kids w/you, you have a job, ahouse, family and friends who love you, you can do it".
About him saying ILY, it's be hard to tell you not to read into it, but I see a glimmer of hope there, my H wouldn't even look me in the eye for about the first 2mths. Take everything he says/does w a grain of salt and NO, 0, zilch expectations. Detach. Work on yourself and focus on your D, make plans to go out, work out, fill your brain w/good reads and positive books.
Hang in there, it will get better.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
I have looked at myself as I have had tons of time to think and I know that I have been lazy and not putting him #1 in my life. I have told him that I realized that I was miss managing my energy and giving most of it to work. As he said he wants space and he needs to figure out if he can put anything back into this relationship. For me that sounds like there is no hope. My coworkers say that I just need to move on with my D and realize that he is not coming back. I have been doing all the things I not suppose to and I need to find some will power to stop. I can tell I am pushing him further away. Can this really be fixed if he has moved out and has said move on with your life.
I don't think he's really had his space to find his own feelings, much less get curious about you and miss you.
H-36 W-38 Married 14yrs Together 17 2 Children (D12, S15) 9/20/05 - Seperated 4/23/07 - Dbomb dropped 4/25/07 - I Love you, not in love "If it's not hard, it's not worth fighting for."
Don't listen to co-workers. They are not you, they do not have anything invested in your relationship. In fact, don't listen to anyone who tells you to "just move on." It's Bullshit. (HEY, that didn't edit! :D)
You determine what you want to do here. Do you want to stand up and save your marriage? Then start doing the DBing steps in earnest and get to work. It won't be easy, none of us are having an easy time. But figure out what your M is worth to you, figure out what your H means to you and go from there.
Most of us, if not all of us, are here because we find high value in our spouse and want to improve ourselves to be better spouses ourselves. You can do it, just start getting into the right mindest and go to work.
We can talk ourselves into defeat or we can talk ourselves into victory - we are creatures of our thinking.
3/31/07 - Hit with a brick, leaving the dent there...
Of course I want to save my marriage. I have been through this in the past and for some reason this is much harder. I am trying to be okay, but I'm not. I feel like why should I try if end the end it will end up in divorce. That is where I think he is at, but is scared of making that decision. I wish I had a crystal ball to let me know what is the right choice for me to make. I mas afriad that doing the DB steps will be a watse of time and nothing I do can change his mind or soften his heart.
Of course I want to save my marriage. I have been through this in the past and for some reason this is much harder. I am trying to be okay, but I'm not. I feel like why should I try if end the end it will end up in divorce. That is where I think he is at, but is scared of making that decision. I wish I had a crystal ball to let me know what is the right choice for me to make. I mas afriad that doing the DB steps will be a watse of time and nothing I do can change his mind or soften his heart.
It sounds like you are assuming you know where he's at by thinking negatively. Right now you don't know what he's thinking. But from my time here and with my own situation what I have learned is he's processing. He really doesn't know what he wants to do and is trying to figure it out. Sure divorce is the easy escape but often the regrettable one too. It doesn't solve the underlying issues and anyone that says it does is selling a line. They know less than you, specifically your coworkers. They are only saying what they think you want to hear. They know little other than what you may have told them and that's not a lot really.
So is it worth DBing? Absolutely because then you know you did everything in your power to work on and improve you and your relationship. If it ends up in divorce well you know you have improved you tremendously making you a better person and in the future a better spouse. You've seen the error of your ways not fix those errors and move forward not on, forward. You might be very surprised by the outcome if you move forward rather than "on".
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
Very good advice. I have a lot to think about becuase I am so tired and all of this stressing and worrying has made me sick and I need to be able to take care of my daughter. My goal is to not call him today! If he calls me (he will- either for my D or to talk to me) I will be polite and no bringing up R.
Get this, so around 8 am I get a text from him asking if I felt like I felt like having dinner. Now this of course means me and D. Just last night he was saying I need space. So I decided accept the offer and eat dinner with him. Now its got me thinking. Is he taking baby steps or is it to tell me bad news. I would hope it wouldn't be bad news since our D will be there and that is not a good idea. I am so confused. Then when I got home he was sleeping in our bed. I just went inot teh other room and layed down. When he left he said I didn't realize that you would be coming home early. He said are we still on for dinner tonight and then he left. Like I said I am really confused.
I am trying not to get myself worked up about this. I know that if it is bad news, it will come no matter what. If it is him taking baby steps, tha he is a very confused man. One day he says leave me alone and then the next lets hang out. I guess I will see how it goes.
