I am just trying to take it easy and now my H keeps calling me and asking me how I am doing????????????????
He does'nt need to know about your weakness, but he does need to know about your pain. Even strong people can feel pain.
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He told me to stop thinking about it and everything will be fine,,, to just relax......He is pretending it never happened.
Well he can pretend all he wants, but we both know, it DID happen, those words did come out of his mouth. He wants to pretend it did'nt happen because he is embarrased and disgusted with himself. He just wants to go forward and forget what an ass he was. I think it's good to move forward, but he needs to apologize and make amends first, otherwise he can move forward but you can't. Maybe you could explain that to him when he's sober and calm. Not like a wimp or like a mother though, but more like the strong woman, his lover. Maybe he needs to realize the gift you've given him, what it took for you to bare everything to him. He needs to respect that, not critisize that.
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WHY couldn't he have been rational last nite?
Drunks are not rational. You might want to look into an Alanon 12 step program. I went through it a year or so ago. It's free, just takes one night a week. But oh the information is awesome. Mostly about getting strong, healing, and dealing with and alchoholic.
Hang in there Ali, I'm proud of you.
Love,
COG
My Story http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...&Number=660444&page=2#Post660444
You know what COG~ you always put in perspective for me. You know I have such a strong relationship with GOD and I need to Quiet myself down and listen to the whisper more~ I got a Journal called " CLOSER TO GOD~" and I am going to take this down time today and read it thru. and you know what I have not taken any time " for me " to read it. NOT GOOD~
I actually bought it and thought of you,,, I opened it on Saturday at Sams Club and read a passage and I really thought of you and thought I need to get this for me to Journal and to post this passage to COG~ Each day has something beautiful. and you know what you said about strong people feel pain too~ MY OH MY~ I had an AHA moment!
MY H is always preaching he does x, y or z to make me stronger and wants me to be this pillar of STONE and yet I am the most loving giving caring person you will ever meet. My house is always full of kids and whether we have a fridge full or are not so blessed~ I always make dinner for all the kids that may be here. When I see a sad movie I cry and sometimes even weep. I rented FLAGS OF OUR FATHERS AND I WAS DOING OK UNTIL THE END AND I JUST WEPT, LIKE A LITTLE BABY. AND YOU KNOW WHAT MY H LOVES THIS ABOUT ME.
When I am trying to hold back the tears he will touch my arm cause then he knows the tears will come. When I saw Passion Of the Christ I wept.... I am in touch with GOD and it hurts me to see others suffer.... when I was at a vets office years ago and an elderly woman got weepy cause they were going to put her dog down,, I actually had to walk out so she would not see me tear up!
I am strong but I also am HUMAN and I love everything~ so to speak. So even people that have hurt me I forgive.... but I do also know that GOD does not want for me to suffer when others are blatantly trying to hurt me or not respect me. I must get stronger still and really put my foot down.
GOD put me here to live and be Happy not to turn my cheek so often it is RED! I need to focus even more on me and let go even more and show GOD how blessed I feel by being good to me,, it is ok and it is not selfish. So thank you for reminding me that strong people feel pain,, I never allowed myself to think they both fit actually! I was always trying to fight being so weepy when a sad movie is on or having a big heart... but I am going to start today to allow myself to be strong and those who do not want to share my beauty just rob me of it... A BIG FAT NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have suffered much in my life and I will not let anyone rob me anymore of my LIGHT. I get on my knees and pray and I am humble and I love without measure,, it is about damn time I give alot more of this to me! I am disciplined in my life and live as GOD would want me too and I am fed up with allowing others to come and try to darken it or jade me. So I do not need to stop being beautiful I just need to stop giving it away to those who do not deserve it. I did tell my H yesterday when he said what do you want so rudely... and proceeded to be rude. ...I THEN SAID " YOU can fool yourself all you want and say all these mean things but in the end you know this is love and you know this is right and you are wrong!" " I will always love you and live rigth even if it is by myself~" " I am strong." Thanks again COG~ your words give me strength~ I am so blessed to have you in my life~ you are very special~ God bless...
I am disciplined in my life and live as GOD would want me too and I am fed up with allowing others to come and try to darken it or jade me.
Well there it is Ali, the key to self respect. When YOU are living right, you absolutely have to fight from being pulled down into the pit of anger, jealousy, chemical addiction, critcism, sin, etc. It's mostly an internal battle. We can blame those people around us, but it is ultimately OUR decision how we take other people. Knowing where another person is coming from, drunk, angry, jealous, etc. helps us understand their words and actions, and helps us fight off the temptation of stooping to their level. We stay up, strong, immovable from God's grace, but loving, forgiving, and truthful.
Keep up the good work.
COG
My Story http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...&Number=660444&page=2#Post660444
I am feeling somewhat better, but I am still treading lightly and will be for a few days. I have gotten more sweeties, babe, and baby's and thank you's today than I have all last week I think. He knows I am not myself today and although I am not acting weak he knows my spirit is hurt!
I am trying so hard not to BE myself and just hold it down,, he isn't going to get it back just like that~ I never hold grudge and I am not doing this to play I just want more RESPECT! I am real made of Flesh and Blood and he needs to put me first like I put him first,, me above all others in body heart and soul~ Not for me or for selfish reasons but b/c it is what is right.
I have fought long and hard , fought back the demons that make me want to throw my hands up and just give up on this and HIM~ I have fought back my tears and my agony and grown. I have looked deep at myself and made myself better.. and he needs to do this too. I will not tell him to or force him but I will lead by example..... ENOUGH IS ENOUGH~ he was making progress but he needs to let go of this attitude of somehow I need to keep proving myself to him~ LIKE I am not enough and I need to be supernatural.
MY ex GF mentioned last nite and it didn't sting till today... that my H frequently buys drinks for female acquaintances of his. I said that is just who he is and your point? I am not jealous really I am not and the bar he goes to when it is boys nite out is a dive... and not to sound conceited but if I walked in ALL the men would stare,, I had been there years ago (5? with my beautiful late AUNT, for her birthday~ )
They looked at me as though I was MISS UNIVERSE. I think this makes him uncomfortable. Last time I mentioned it he said ok honey I will take you.
SO my point is this....
I mentioned today to H that if they know he is Married at that bar? And he said yes it is no secret that I am Married and from our brief convo he read my mind and said why are you saying you want to go there with me? I mentioned it last month too. He did not say I will take you nor did he get ballistic like he did yesterday~
I dunno it really doesn't matter to me but how is it that I am always kept under lock and key? I love to respect my H and I do not have a real need to go to a "DIVE/DIRTY" bar, but I guess my point is this it would be nice if he would take me so that .. I dunno. I am crying now. I dunno what I am trying to say.
He will take me to other bars that are predominately "Caucasian" but the bar he goes to is predominately "Mexican". ???????????????????????????????????????????????????? After I talked to him he talked to our D8 and told her to take care of me. ????????????????????? What was that about? Sweet~ but I am confused~
I want him to treat me like the beautiful Woman he will tell me that I am ,, we only have a short time here and yes I helped bring us to the BOMB,, but he honestly does not see his part at all... he thinks that in his way of loving me cause he knows he loved me that for me it was all roses. Sometimes it was tears of blood and I would cry myself to sleep for years. I have moved past all that cause one day GOD will take me with him and I will no longer be here and I would hate for him to miss me sooo much cause when I was here he did not chersih me. I cherish every day GOD gives me another morning to live and love and I hope one day my H totally lets down his guard and lets me in... I dunno if he could actually handle that much love~ He was starting too let me in and like in the past when it seems to beautiful he cant take more in. I am babbling but it feels so good..... I feel so frustrated,, I will never know what drives him to surrender to being cruel but I can make myself feel better. I am not asking for the moon and start I just want a love that is pure and true and full of respect an unconditional pure love that helps you be better than you are alone,, helps you better than you could have ever imagined cause they push you to be your best you....in a loving kind way!~ the way I love him~
I will keep loving cause that is who I am... I cannot pretend to be something I am not. I worked on all my bad habits and continue to do so. One day this will be right. I know it will~ Thank you all so much for your blessings and thoughts... GOD bless....
I never hold grudge and I am not doing this to play I just want more RESPECT! I am real made of Flesh and Blood and he needs to put me first like I put him first,, me above all others in body heart and soul
Oh ya! You just keep up that attitude, because you are right on the money. He's got to be trained, taught, coached, and you've got to be strong and determined, yet soft and loving. It's Round 3 is a 15 round fight. You are bloodied, tired, sweaty, but you've got to keep on fighting. He's throwing you right hooks and left jabs, and he's hurting you. But who's stronger? Who's smarter? Who's above all the anger, selfishness, fear, and anxiety? YOU are, that's who!
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I have fought long and hard , fought back the demons that make me want to throw my hands up and just give up on this and HIM
That was your internal battle, and you are winning by a landslide. But no doubt those demons will continue to haunt you into the future. Be ever vigilant to keep them at bay.
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ENOUGH IS ENOUGH~ he was making progress but he needs to let go of this attitude of somehow I need to keep proving myself to him~ LIKE I am not enough and I need to be supernatural.
You should'nt have to live that way Ali, just as HE should'nt. You might want to make a nice list of these things you want to change. Then create a stratedgy to accomplish the changes.
Ali, your H goes to bars, he drinks alot. That's not normal, it's not healthy, and his drinking is a MAJOR obstacle in your R. It's the reason he fly's off the handle, and becomes so critical and demeaning. Again I'll just mention alanon. It would help you tremendously.
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I dunno it really doesn't matter to me but how is it that I am always kept under lock and key?
He's trying to control you. He's afraid you'll find someone else, cheat on him. It's very selfish really. You've never given him any reason to not trust you. Again I'll say, YOU are on solid ground, stay put.
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I want him to treat me like the beautiful Woman he will tell me that I am
Okay, so that's something you really need to tell him when you have your talk with him. Tell him what you want, need, and expect of him.
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I will never know what drives him to surrender to being cruel
There's probably pain in his heart, from long ago. He does'nt know how to heal, so he just kills the pain with alchohol. He needs more and more and more. He hates it, but he has to have it. And every once in awhile, the frustration of having to live this way just explodes in him, and you are an easy target. He's sick Ali, he needs some professional help.
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One day this will be right. I know it will
I know it too! Where there's a will there's a way.
Keep fighting the good fight!
Love,
COG
My Story http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...&Number=660444&page=2#Post660444
I am feeling overwhelmed today so its time to get stronger. I do see where his drinking has and is going to continue to affect our M~ SAD really.
Today he is back to work and he had been drinking for days straight and he is feeling ok but his body is weak... I was calling him back to give him directions and he said I was making his heart race,,,, sure maybe I was frustrating him but he also was not listening to me and getting grumpy right away. He does not apparently corralate his body being run down with his lack of patience.
I have always had to subject myself to his moods and he does not see it or only occasionally apologizes for it.
He has always been trying to help everyone ( he has financially supported his 2 siblings their fanilies and his parents for years NOT totally but too much)and fix everything for everybody and for years I told him to stop to take time for himself and for us ( our Family) and to stop trying to take care of the world and he did not listen .
NOW he is tired ,,,he himself told me,,, I AM TIRED HONEY!
..... and he is trying to make up for it by "relaxing"/DRINKING. IT SEEMS~ AND SO, He is hurting himself in the process, what he needs is sleep and healthy foods to feel better. I am so proud of who he is but he still does not love himself enough! He let others weakness suck him in to SAVE them. When they clearly had capabilities to SAVE themselves. He only told me 'cause he was mad the other day, well furious and ballistic actually, that his MOM wants a brand new truck. Even I do not request such things and I am his WIFE.
BREAKS my heart really cause she has been doing this for years and he always comlpied and said "he would give them as much as he wanted" when I would say save for our children for our future, I would tell him only give what you can and not out of greed but out of love for him. SO, he told me this mad him angry that she is not happy with the truck he gave her and put money into also. I felt so bad for him and I am proud of myself for never using the term "well you spoiled her to begin with,,,"
I just felt bad for him. I hope he has finally come to see he is HUMAN and cannot take care of more than he is humanly able. WE had many problems in the past with him giving too much and then we would be broke when work got SLOW~
I am going to try to do more today and get feeling good... God bless....
I am feeling overwhelmed today so its time to get stronger. I do see where his drinking has and is going to continue to affect our M~ SAD really.
Today he is back to work and he had been drinking for days straight and he is feeling ok but his body is weak... I was calling him back to give him directions and he said I was making his heart race,,,, sure maybe I was frustrating him but he also was not listening to me and getting grumpy right away. He does not apparently corralate his body being run down with his lack of patience.
I have always had to subject myself to his moods and he does not see it or only occasionally apologizes for it.
He has always been trying to help everyone ( he has financially supported his 2 siblings their fanilies and his parents for years NOT totally but too much)and fix everything for everybody and for years I told him to stop to take time for himself and for us ( our Family) and to stop trying to take care of the world and he did not listen .
NOW he is tired ,,,he himself told me,,, I AM TIRED HONEY!
..... and he is trying to make up for it by "relaxing"/DRINKING. IT SEEMS~ AND SO, He is hurting himself in the process, what he needs is sleep and healthy foods to feel better. I am so proud of who he is but he still does not love himself enough! He let others weakness suck him in to SAVE them. When they clearly had capabilities to SAVE themselves. He only told me 'cause he was mad the other day, well furious and ballistic actually, that his MOM wants a brand new truck. Even I do not request such things and I am his WIFE.
BREAKS my heart really cause she has been doing this for years and he always comlpied and said "he would give them as much as he wanted" when I would say save for our children for our future, I would tell him only give what you can and not out of greed but out of love for him. SO, he told me this mad him angry that she is not happy with the truck he gave her and put money into also. I felt so bad for him and I am proud of myself for never using the term "well you spoiled her to begin with,,,"
I just felt bad for him. I hope he has finally come to see he is HUMAN and cannot take care of more than he is humanly able. WE had many problems in the past with him giving too much and then we would be broke when work got SLOW~
I am going to try to do more today and get feeling good... God bless....
I do allow it and I am tired of it,, also yeah I guess I take it personal when he attacks me when it has to do with his drinking. I will ocassionally say well sorry you are tired cause you were drinking.. but do not speak to me that way~ ...bad aproach too HUH? Yes I am tired of his mood swings and yes I put up with it far too long and I am going to need another stratedgy. I am sure I make no sense at this point, I know I am at another crossroads after his cruelty the other day. I am going to take a walk in a while. I have a lot to think about and he needs to stop drinking and he told me this @ 2 weeks ago but then he never does,,,, YOU are right COG~ need to take care of me and stop worrying. Thanks... that is what I love about you,, you dont let me sit in self pity even for a bit you want me to take action~ THANKS GOD BLESS....
I just read the long post you posted earlier COG~ Dunno how I missed it?
Thank you very much!
and yes I am strong and yes I am ready to kick some ass. You always have a way of making me feel beautiful and special and making me cry. I need to keep taking care of me and get stronger and realize he does need help ~ I have told him this for years and it always falls on deaf ears. Thank you COG~ you always give me much to think about and change to be a better child of GOD. I really do thank GOD for you , you help me so much to open my eyes. In a blessed positive way~ LOVE, Ali
