Wife gone...Is there hope

[strange]

Hi all...I'm new her & in need of some help & advice. I have DB & DR books on order but it will take a week or two for me to recieve them.

Here's a little history & my situation.

Male: 37 yrs
Wife: 36 yrs
Together since: 1987
Married: 14 yrs (almost)
Children: None



Ok, my Wife left me six weeks ago with the explanation of "I don't love you anymore" I also got the "I love you more like a brother" speach too.
Since leaving we have had limited contact, although i will say it has been friendly & no hostility what so ever. The day she left i asked her to consider working out whatever problems we had, of course she said it would not make matters any better as she does not love me like she should, or like i want her to. I asked if she truly ment that, to which she replyed that she did. I told her that i would not stand in her way or try to change her mind on it. I thought that was the best thing to do at that time, i now hope it still is?

At first i had no idea what to do i was a total mess, I suppose everyone is. I immediately began searching the internet for any kind of info, I came across various books & articles that all had the same basic advice...Do not beg or plead with your spouse, be happy & work on yourself etc etc..I have been doing that with good success, i think.

So, up to now i have seen my Wife two times which was when she came here to get clothes etc, which i helped her pack & load the car. We did have an heart to heart talk about how & why we both let our marriage end up the way it has. Basicaly we stopped doing things together, did'nt go out as a couple as often as we used to, she would sit & watch TV, I would be at the PC. The more we did this the more it was normal, neither of us confronted the other about it & so it went on. After our talk she did say how stupid both of us have been in acting the way we have, she gave me a huge hug & left...I think that was the last time i saw her which was 5 1/2 weeks ago.

The other contact we have had since then has been by phone call or text message & that has been to sort out some financial matters, which again has been friendly & with out confrontation.

I do know there is another man involved, I also know that she had only known him a matter of weeks before she left me. My wife went through a career change a few months ago, in that time she met a female friend that she got on with really well with. We began going out with her new friend, her husband & her brother. If you are wondering, the other man is the brother of her new friend. Insidently, this guy lost his wife about a year ago, through death. I got the strong feeling at the time, that the sister ( wifes new freind) was trying hard to find her brother a new women.

Well, my wife began having long talks with her friend weeks prior to leaving me & i am aware that she had indeed confided in her. She is now staying with her friend & her husband. At the moment i believe the involvment with the other man is an emotional affair but i may be wrong & i'm not sure if it makes any difference anyway.

I've tryed to keep this brief as not to bore you all with the same old stroy

Thanks for reading & please feel free to bash me & give your thoughts & advice.

Strange..

[Nomopo]

Hi strange. Good summary in your post. So sorry to hear about what has happened, but very glad you are here. I think you sound like you are off to whale of a start on DBing, so good for you! A couple of thoughts occur to me. First, I don't have all the facts and figures in my head, and I suspect you have seen this in your research, but they say these affairs often run their course. I've heard the time of six months thrown out there. You may have to just wait it out (if you are willing to do that). Second, is there hope, yes there is hope, but there are no guarantees that you will save your marriage. Buy I will guarantee you that you can control your own life (your actions, your words, your thoughts and, most importantly, your happiness) - and that is worth something my friend.

Nomopo

[dogma]

Of course there is hope. Hope you can discover the life-changes you need to make for you, not for her and not with the idea she will "see the light" and come running back.

This time is about you, time for you to discover and rediscover yourself and life.

This is an impossible situation and many people will offer all kinds of conflicting advice, but honestly have no idea what you are going through.

Also, understand she is not going to be making any moves toward you or the R; there is something else drawing her and she is going to reflect you and the marriage in the worst light possible.

Also understand (and this is the impossible part), this has nothing to do with you. These were decisions a long time coming without you.

Do not chase or pursue, unless you want to guarantee the results.

Turn all the anger and sadness and bitterness and disappoinment inside and focus on you because you are the only one you have control.

[Nomopo]

Dogma, excellent post. Hey, did you see the post about the Austin DB event?

[strange]

Hi guys a Big thanks for the replys..

I am at the moment in a much better state of mind through finding the man I used to be & continue to do so. I have learnt & accept that i am the only thing that I control & can change.

Right now, i am getting my life back on track & doing some stuff i never thought i would do again.

As for sticking it out...I have to say, yeah, i'm willing to go with that & see where all of this is going to take me. It's not something i feel i can put a time limit on, i have no idea if i will have the same thoughts this time tomorrow or next year.

Again Thanks for taking the time to reply.

Strange.

[Nomopo]

Strange:

I hope you will stock around and keep posting (on yur thread and others). You seem to have it better together than any other 1st timer I've seen in my short time. Of course, my experience has been ups and downs, good days and bad days, so brace yourself.

Onward and Upward,
Nomopo

PS - time limits? We don't need no stinkin' time limits. (we's gots patience!)

[Sad1]

Hi strange -- I too am sorry that you find yourself here. Your sitch sounds very similar to my own so I have a pretty good idea of how you might be feeling.
I don't have much more to add that the others haven't already suggested other than as you're focus moves away from your W and the M and becomes more about you that things will become a little easier day to day. Hang in there brother, there's always hope.

[strange]

Hi guys it's nice that you have taken the time to reply with your thoughts, thankyou for that..

You seem to have it better together than any other 1st timer I've seen in my short time

Thankyou, but i believe thats only because i have had 6 weeks to try & figure this out prior to finding this place..Which i may add, i'm glad i have found.

my experience has been ups and downs, good days and bad days, so brace yourself.

Although my bad days are less frequent i do still get them, it seems to come in waves & all the positive feelings that i have seem to be replaced with negitve ones. I get feelings of sadness, hurt & guilt.
What i don't seem to get now is the needing of my W, I want her, but i feel there is a difference in "need & want".

Hi strange -- I too am sorry that you find yourself here. Your sitch sounds very similar to my own so I have a pretty good idea of how you might be feeling.

I'm sorry that your's is like mine, it's terrible. But in the short time i have been here it appears it's a great place to find help & understanding.

[strange]

Upto now i have been doing alot of backing off & want to continue to do so. I made some mistakes in the first day of my W leaving, telling her i loved her & asking her to consider staying in the house with me until she found a place. Her decision was to leave our house behind & rent somewhere as soon as she got herself sorted out, I thought it would be better to have her stay here...So i quess those are my mistakes in the early days & I have backed off from her ever since. I have not sent e-mails, cards, flowers or anyother things expressing my undying love to her. I have simply let her be & have what ever time she wants. Has this helped? I do know that it has maybe kept us on friendly terms when it has come to the contact we have had.

As i have already said our contact has been limited, & consists of phone calls to disscuss financial matters etc, which are now all sorted out. So at the moment i am trying hard to not call her & i am having success in doing so. I dont have a feeling of need to call her for no reason as i did in the early days. Of course there may be a down side to that, she does not call me, so our contact is, at this moment zero.

I do get conserned about the lack of contact, but i know I can't change that, it has to be something that comes from my W. With that said, does anyone have any thoughts about this? Am I doing the right thing with the amout of backing off i am doing? & is it wrong to hope that in doing so, it may motivate her to contact me ?


Apart from my personal goals that i am doing good with, I do have a goal to improve the quality of contact with my W & to try & monitor if there is just a tiny bit of progress.
I will say that the last time we spoke I did notice a very small change in her, normally we would talk about the matter at hand & say goodbye (Happily) This time she asked me about how my weekend had gone as she knew i had spent time away. I told her the details & i think she was pleasantly suprised that i had actually done what i said i was going to do, & that I had a great time also. I won't say it's progress but it was a nice, but little change in her.

Thanks for reading

Strange.

[Nomopo]

I do get conserned about the lack of contact, but i know I can't change that, it has to be something that comes from my W. With that said, does anyone have any thoughts about this? Am I doing the right thing with the amout of backing off i am doing? & is it wrong to hope that in doing so, it may motivate her to contact me?

To me, this is as tough as anything. It's the whole going dark/dim thing, although with no kids (right?) it is much easier (too easy) for you to have no contact. I hope some more experienced posters will chime in. In the meantime, I would suggest you spend some time reading some of the other forums/posts on this topic, like: Going Dark

This thread is in Staying Solution-Focused Workshop forum. In that thread, see the post by Zebra. Going Dark can backfire. Especially if YOU were disconnected or unavailable to your spouse before. Were you? It can be "more of the same" behavior.

Hope that helps get you started