I am feeling somewhat better, but I am still treading lightly and will be for a few days. I have gotten more sweeties, babe, and baby's and thank you's today than I have all last week I think. He knows I am not myself today and although I am not acting weak he knows my spirit is hurt!
I am trying so hard not to BE myself and just hold it down,, he isn't going to get it back just like that~ I never hold grudge and I am not doing this to play I just want more RESPECT! I am real made of Flesh and Blood and he needs to put me first like I put him first,, me above all others in body heart and soul~ Not for me or for selfish reasons but b/c it is what is right.
I have fought long and hard , fought back the demons that make me want to throw my hands up and just give up on this and HIM~ I have fought back my tears and my agony and grown. I have looked deep at myself and made myself better.. and he needs to do this too. I will not tell him to or force him but I will lead by example..... ENOUGH IS ENOUGH~ he was making progress but he needs to let go of this attitude of somehow I need to keep proving myself to him~ LIKE I am not enough and I need to be supernatural.
MY ex GF mentioned last nite and it didn't sting till today... that my H frequently buys drinks for female acquaintances of his. I said that is just who he is and your point? I am not jealous really I am not and the bar he goes to when it is boys nite out is a dive... and not to sound conceited but if I walked in ALL the men would stare,, I had been there years ago (5? with my beautiful late AUNT, for her birthday~ )
They looked at me as though I was MISS UNIVERSE. I think this makes him uncomfortable. Last time I mentioned it he said ok honey I will take you.
SO my point is this....
I mentioned today to H that if they know he is Married at that bar? And he said yes it is no secret that I am Married and from our brief convo he read my mind and said why are you saying you want to go there with me? I mentioned it last month too. He did not say I will take you nor did he get ballistic like he did yesterday~
I dunno it really doesn't matter to me but how is it that I am always kept under lock and key? I love to respect my H and I do not have a real need to go to a "DIVE/DIRTY" bar, but I guess my point is this it would be nice if he would take me so that .. I dunno. I am crying now. I dunno what I am trying to say.
He will take me to other bars that are predominately "Caucasian" but the bar he goes to is predominately "Mexican". ???????????????????????????????????????????????????? After I talked to him he talked to our D8 and told her to take care of me. ????????????????????? What was that about? Sweet~ but I am confused~
I want him to treat me like the beautiful Woman he will tell me that I am ,, we only have a short time here and yes I helped bring us to the BOMB,, but he honestly does not see his part at all... he thinks that in his way of loving me cause he knows he loved me that for me it was all roses. Sometimes it was tears of blood and I would cry myself to sleep for years. I have moved past all that cause one day GOD will take me with him and I will no longer be here and I would hate for him to miss me sooo much cause when I was here he did not chersih me. I cherish every day GOD gives me another morning to live and love and I hope one day my H totally lets down his guard and lets me in... I dunno if he could actually handle that much love~ He was starting too let me in and like in the past when it seems to beautiful he cant take more in. I am babbling but it feels so good..... I feel so frustrated,, I will never know what drives him to surrender to being cruel but I can make myself feel better. I am not asking for the moon and start I just want a love that is pure and true and full of respect an unconditional pure love that helps you be better than you are alone,, helps you better than you could have ever imagined cause they push you to be your best you....in a loving kind way!~ the way I love him~
I will keep loving cause that is who I am... I cannot pretend to be something I am not. I worked on all my bad habits and continue to do so. One day this will be right. I know it will~ Thank you all so much for your blessings and thoughts... GOD bless....
