Straight Into the Storm

[Stigmata]

Choco,

Good to see you were just blowing off steam in that past post. Part of the process. But I wanted to give you a don't give up pep talk in my previous post JIC to hedge as you can't be totally sure where someone is emotionally. I think that's what blackfoot, fearless, OT, LFL, Karen et all intended as well.

I've kinda been commenting here because I've experienced nearly every side of this process (except Mrs. Choc's side of course) and thought maybe you could use the perspective. Plus, I appreciate your faith and family values.

Your comment about OM living with his parents, while darkly humorous in a sad sort of way, pretty much cinches it for me as to how Mrs. Choc has been duped. A wolf can sniff out a wolf, so to speak, and I am going to go out on a limb and say this is just a trophy for OM. How this relates to my experiences is thus, and why I've been watching your sitch.

In my 20s I befriended an older M F in her 30s. No kids but a blonde little hard body with 6-pack abs. I was unattached but not looking for M Fs that's for sure. I truly just enjoyed her energy, personality, and company.

Her H, naturally, was/is a very successful sales guy. Well, since I felt pretty much unrestrained in terms of my appropriate interactions with her, I failed to see that my leading, joking, and unpredictability as to what would come out of my mouth next was building attraction. Only later did I go back and see the signs.

I was a person she enjoyed being around. Was I triggering dopamine? She did laugh a lot.

She rarely spoke of her H. One day I was chatting in her office and a large bouquet arrived on her desk. An F co-worker asked her who it was from.

"Oh, a very nice guy." Said with some reserve.

Ah, the dreaded NG word combo special. Always peppered about in my youth on my various friends and even myself and I embraced them like a cute little lamb to slaughter. I am?! Thanks! Ooo, guys, I am sooo IN with her. *guffaw*

(Note to the dating Ms. Hence, I now convey to Fs IRL that I am a very nice person but I am definitely NOT a nice guy. Helps. And clears things up nicely.)

"A very nice guy," she said. I didn't even see it. Didn't even say his name in front of me. Even when I found out that day was her anniversary, which she never mentioned either. She was a friend. I had no intention of escalation, even if most guys would have been far too tempted.

I remember the day it hit me. We were having lunch and chatting when I felt the ball of her foot in her open sandals rest against my calf and stay there. She had her legs crossed. WTF? I felt my face start to flush. Instead of pulling away I wanted to be sure. And she just kept it firm against my calf. Her co-workers were at different tables and might catch a glimpse if they really looked.

And after that I became suddenly aware of subsequent openings she would leve for me.

So why didn't I turn into your OM? Respect. Not conquest. Believe me, I've been no saint in my past behaviors but I knew where to draw the line thanks to a very strict boundary-filled upbringing, among other things, such as a sense of guilt and self-worth issues.

I ultimately did not escalate. Why? Not out of respect for myself (though perhaps in small part). Not out of respect for her H ( I was too young to appreciate LTRs). No, respect for her. I did not want her to be shamed by her co-workers as a cheating W. I valued her too much as a friend not to see her make a big mistake with a young lad like me who had no intention of being tied down.

So I think what if I were infatuated with her and went for it anyway? And if, instead of preferably being in her 30s and ideally having no kids now the added hassle of her being in her 40s with 4 grown kids? Tooling me around in a BMW? Nice living (thanks to you)? Then that more undesirable LTR option might prove that I had no respect for her long term and was only out for myself and the trophy of a MILF.

And if I were lame like the OM and her H turned up the heat on our tryst? I think that would blow me out. Hyenas are opportunists. And Oms are like hyenas. They will commit themselves to the carcass of the carrion the lion has killed as long as they can. But if the lion should come back for more meat and the hyenas don't have numbers?

They will yap yap yap away with tails tucked to their bellies but will scamper off in search of another opportunity.

You came back roaring over Mrs. Choc. Like the lion, if nothing else, you have earned some respect from all involved.

Time will tell how she feels about being exposed. I won't blow snoke up your pipe and say it'll all work out.

time will tell if you can process the anger that will bubble up in you over her infidelity. I won't assure you it won't take years of hard work, prayer, and counsel.


Time will tell how hard Om is willing to fight for Mrs. Choc. To me, is living arrangement and lower income are not going to be able to keep Mrs. Choc happy for long.

And that's partially why I'm pegging your OM as having no intention for an LTr with Mrs. Choc. and I feel sad that she probably doesn't realize it. If he loved her and wanted her for an LTR he would have high respect for her reputation at the gym, which is where I went with my F friend.

I methodically killed her attraction for me as soon as I found out her interest. One test I remember was that I started addressing her by Mrs. (H's last name) to others and to her directly. The first time I did the latter she gasped as in, "I can't believe you just said that."

And that gave me more proof of her interest.

This is a real sticking point with me as I don't yet know the sweet spot in my friendships with Fs that don't lead to attraction on one side or the other. Sometimes when attraction is not apropos for the R, it causes me to go into "Stepford Man" modus and I switch my personality into that resembling the charisma of a wooden indian. I hate that.

"Hi, pleasure to meet you. Nice weather huh? Fantastic. Boy, this is a nice vintage, isn't it? Mmm, boy my mother sure would like flowers like these."

LOL.

Anyway, Choc. I guess the point is that I'm sniffing this guy out as an opportunist who likes riding around in a BMW with a MILF so he can impress his little circle of gym friends. Not because he loves her for who she is, a mother, nice person, and future LTR potential. If he did he would not want her to ruin her self-respect and professional reputation. And I seriously doubt a guy living with his parents sees himself in his lame-brain as the stepfather to 4 kids, including two college-aged girls etc.

My guess is she is eventually going to find this out and beat herself up for risking everything on attraction.

But that's my opinion. Of course, I could always be wrong.

-Stigmata-