Signing Divorce Papers

[Lizarina]

Well, the time is officially here. The papers are finalized and my H and I will be seeing each other for the first time in 9+ months to sign them. On one hand, I'm excited to see him so that he can see how well I'm doing and looking because he is truly missing out on the best me I've ever been. On the other hand, I'm (obviously) nervous and depressed about the whole thing. My friend who is divorced told me that it's the strangest feeling when you sign the papers because when it's done and over, you say goodbye and basically know you'll probably never see each other again. I've had little to no contact with him in a long, long time, but that thought is awful. I mean, we've been e-mailing back and forth a bit and he even called and chatted with me for an hour about what's going on in his life, but that's it. His life is a complete mess, but I just sat and listened to his stories. At this point, what does it matter to me if he has no job and can't pay his bills. But it felt SO GOOD to talk to him - it's like talking to an old friend. The only difference is that it's all on his terms and if I called for help, he'd ignore my calls.

It's slightly enraging to me that I feel this way still. I know that my H is in a full-blown MLC. He's turned into a complete loser - not paying his bills, quitting his job, not talking to any of his family, hanging out with village idiots - and I'd be a little afraid it would happen all over again. I've been with him since I was 16, so I'd love for him to get himself together, but...I can't be a spectator to his mess anymore.

I don't know if the "end" of this situation looming over me is making me feel like I want to grab on by my fingernails and not let go again. I guess I just wish I had the option to say yes or no. Instead, I have none. He left without giving me a chance.

And worst of all, I feel like I have to keep these feeling under wraps because my friends think getting back together with him is a non-issue. Like he could come crawling on broken glass and I should tell him to take a hike.

Maybe I'd feel differently if I had found someone else, but I'm in no rush. Plus, since I've been with my H so long, I have very little "mojo." I wasn't going to flirt when I was married, so I think I never learned how. LOL.

Long story short, two years into this and I still feel like crying about it. It's just all so sad.

Anyway...just getting it out...