Based on what I have seen of MLC, people who go through this, or are in it do not and will not apologize for thier actions.
Are you saying of ALL MLCers--both returners and those who do not return?
I have received apologies. But for me the actions are more important than apologetic words.
What have you seen Braveheart...and what I am really getting at is TIME. Apologies don't come for a long time and are probably (don't know) rarer for nonreturners. Could it be that you haven't been around long enough? Oh sure, you've read the threads of stories that have been going on, so maybe that is what you mean. But I do think that apologies, if they come, are well into reconiliation and those posters seem les likely to be here...and are instead out 'there' working on reconciling. Don't know...just a thought.
Maybe instead of focusing on whether they will or will not give a verbal apology we, the LBSs need to release the need for it.
And also recongize that verbal aplogies don't always come with the words "I'm sorry." they may be a validation of what we, the LBS, has done through the crisis. Or a removal of blame/ admitting personal responsibility.
So I guess, how do we define apology?
Quote:
Another misconception is that people in MLC will run and party for a few months and be back home.
Yup SIGH
And so many of us are trying not to put that belief out there. It is the dream that if it must happen--make it fast. So I guess it makes sense. We just repeat to newbies that it doesn't work that way...and everyone must learn it for themselves. SIGH
Quote:
One thing that I have seen that is pretty consistent, once the LBS does decide to say to hell with the MLCer and move on, you have a decent chance of them trying to reconnect.
And yet it is so hard to believe in that...the if you love something let it go. Happy_Again and AmyC both have confirmed it. So many are afraid to take that risk and thus they lose the marriage--Oh, they gain themselves but it would be nice to gain ourselves and keep the marriage.
I do belive it is true also...BUT what about those posters (LBSs) who have truly moved on and their spouses are still gone. I think maybe it's that they won't take them back.
I don't think that Laughing and MTN are still holding on...but they don't want them back. So it's one of those speculation questions that we cannot truly answer...were they still Standing, but not holding on, would their spouses return--or at least attempt a return?
Don't know, can't know, won't know.
Quote:
I am not convinced that the MLC is trying to reconnect, unless they are genuinely sorry for thier actions.
I agree. I would probably say until instead of unless...but that's me. I also think that multiple premature attempts may be common, maybe it's because I lved it...but I don't thinkI'm the only one, there seem to be plenty cases like that.
Quote:
If you have an MLCer who says they are "sorry", but blames you for "not fighting for us" or "wanting to get divorced" I've got news for ya, he or she ain't woke up yet! LOL They are still blaming you for everything! They are blaming you for THEM being in this shape!
I don't know about that. I guess it depends on the degree of the blaming--it makes sense if the MLCer is angry for the LBS not Standing and preventing.
Sweetheart gives me credit for all of that and almost always blamed himself and not me. BUT, the other day he did say that I could have stopped him and I could have said No...to a few different things. I said I tried--that was those first few begging and clinging weeks. I just told him it was his choice and he needed to do it and was going to do it anyway. He doesn't remember a lot of what he said and did. AmyC has talked about the memory voids. Maybe he doesn't know that I couldn't have stopped it because he doesn't recall the degree...doesn't recall just what he was really doing. He always wanted someone else to decide his actions...clearly, we're still working on that issue. But couldn't it also be that now in a state where he wants to be at home he doesn't understand the state he was in before...and since I could say No now and stop him--he's told me I'm stuck with him cause he's not going anywhere--he may not comprehend how it was not possible before.
Quote:
The only MLCer that I have seen on this board who is truly sorry and has begged for her LBS back is AMYC
What about Happy_Again/Finally_Free? I know you're familiar with him. Waht about MGoBlue...you've posted toe ach other, but maybe since his situation was old you didn't know the history?? And I guess you weren't around when Bruce was posting...but give Happy_Again some credit--he's awesome! That was actually my biggest issue with your post--you left out one of my favourite posters!
Quote:
It is so important to us to have someone tell us how sorry they are and how much they miss us when we have been hurt and wronged so badly, when we don;t hear it, its a double stab to our soul. I think that is what really prevents reconnection.
Could be...but then isn't that our problem. Happy_Again said it is vital that the LBS make the MLCer feel safe. Sure, we can hope for an apology...I love Hope! But should we expect it? (maybe he answer is yes, just asking) Isn't it something like feeling owed--he owes us. And maybe he does...but if we go into it with that attitude we are probabyl harboring negative energy and not being the safe place.
