SSM calling Blackfoot, come in blackfoot, Over

[blackfoot]

Eddie, What follows is a list of what not to do. AS you have mentioned, thats ok, but not nearly as helpful as what TO do, after that.

I thought it was more a matter of you neglecting her and giving her no reason to stay in the marriage rather than you not protecting her from her own desire to go to the other man.


Neglect seems to me to be highly subject to interpretation, especially ex post affaire facto. However you are correct. I cut her off emotionally speaking when she 'chose' to react to attraction without awareness. Some manifestations of emotionally cutting off would be cesation of all pillow talk, any conversations about the future, and brushing off any attempts to communicate about what she 'needed'. :dismissive hand wave:

You think that "emotional abandonment" of her partner is the natural and proper response of a person to life and situational changes? It's depressingly common, but that's not a reason to "expect and accept" it... it's a reason to try to prevent and/or correct it, or to move on if it proves impervious to long-term intelligent efforts toward that end.


Proper? Define proper. Its definitely natural. Its the way the brain is designed to manage tasks. Since it is so common, I personally find it better to accept and deal with what is, then fruitlessly rail against what should be. Over the course of a few decades, I dont expect to be attended to all the time. I accept that prior to negotiations.
Eddie, it seems to me from your posts that you have become aware that you emotionally abandoned your W. Was it intentional? Or did you have your own insecurites, and your own inner space that you were dealing with.
Do you think 3 months is an excessively long time?

but I recall you saying that you were cutting off affection and attention
I never cut of affection. Good lord man, if I had cut of physicality she probably would have only lasted 2 weeks. hmmm. maybe I should have cut of physicality and kept up the emotional come to think about it... its easier for me to communicate with actions though.

because you wanted to see if she'd seek it elsewhere. Why shouldn't she? If I understood you right, you had promised to supply it to her when you married her and then you cut off her supply without any provocation on her part.


Why shouldnt she. Exactly. I agree. Ill remember that in the future when she emotionally or physically abandons me, for longer then I like..... say.... 3 days ...6 days tops.

Unless you think M is something other then attraction.

No provocation as determined by whom?

I plan on changing how I deal with it, but personally I consider being required to attend to the fences as provocation. Now if she want me to be an animal, I can do that. Excessively well. Lions,jaguars, mokeys, dolphins,heyenas, gazelles, cows, horses, even the rare shark...dont care for rabbit though. too much trouble not enough meat. LOL.

stealing a line from Mrs. Nop, jealousy games are quite acidic to the R. Hers were admittedly quite intentional, and it never ceases to amaze me how the games dry up and disappear when the realization hits that Play time is over. Its quite amazing while remaining unable to be labled or catagorized. It can only be observed, recognized or lived.

If she want me to be an incorporated human, then thats a two way street. Its a feeling of mine, and I dont control that. In the future my actions will be a conscious choice, however.
Noone tends my fences but me. Its simply not possible, nor would I even consider saddling someone else with that impossible responsibility of controlling someone else. During my monogamous R with x, I tended them in every mental state imaginable, quite often on my own, but deinitely not Alone. Ive had to learn this is not a matter of equivalence.

No,no. My only mistake was devolving into a placating nice guy who wanted to make her happy, put his M before his purpose, and inconceivable had a insecurity that crashed.

[blackfoot]

SG

When you said I owe you a post, I assumed you meant answering some of my honest questions about the inevitibility of a woman leaving me on my ass. etc. I guess that makes me an ass twice for assuming.

Would it surprise you greatly to know that I have, for many years now, been a very devoted, content wife? One who finds her husband endlessly interesting, and brilliant, and kind, and still jumps up smiling to hear his key in the door? You'll have to ask him if I'm a "good" wife.
yes, but actually it does make perfect sense. I wouldnt have to ask your H if your were a good W, I would just observe him. I would like to ask him where to obtained his mercury handling equipment though.

I never begrudge a fencer a good thrust. Huh. must have read your previous posts wrong then. I thought I had detected unwarranted attacks. Must be my sensitivity.

That Billy Joel song ... arrrghhh. It makes me hissy and tense, like a cat petted in the wrong direction. I don't mind being fluid and mysterious, and have, on occasion, "changed my mind," but it's a song about a dream, a projection, not a real woman. There may be room for the Siren in the Maiden, but there is little of her in the Mother, or the Healer. Or the Scientist, an often-overlooked female archetype, whose chief joy is .. to count something. *smile*
The scientist. you mean the accountant? Lol. The healer is nice. I like that. I prefer to pay for it. quid pro quo. That way I dont have to worry about her opinions of my weaknesses. have a mother as stated previously, no room for another.
It seems I picked the right song. Cats are funny that way, they want it their way, or not at all. Dogs on the other hand you can thump, rub with both hands in alternating motions and generally dont care how they get their attention.
Another interesting thing about cats is that when they mate the males have these sharp reverse facing barbs on their penis. It scraps and drags and lacerates the female, and she (of course) hisses, spits, caterwauls and generally is very angry sounding and threatening looking the whole time. Yet there she remains, available, receptive, accepting. Its the only way her eggs will drop. So does she really hate the pain? or does she love it? Ive always wanted to ask a cat.
I also wanted to ask the Tom, how do you remain so indifferant to her pain. He must be one selfish bast@ard. But it seems to work. got plenty of cats running around.

It's an Indian greeting, or parting, phrase.

Well it must be Algonquin or Fox, coming from your side of the country. Its not blackfoot. sigh.... Fine, since your all somber and serious, Namaste to you :Composed Shiva:

(Ill leave a can of tuna by the door. )

[NOPkins]

bf wrote: "I also wanted to ask the Tom, how do you remain so indifferant to her pain."

I always figured that the cat just likes the sound of its own cries

-NOPkins-

[Stigmata]

Old Business. (Little time for keeping up)

Mojo Said:

"...so I'm looking for the guy who is going to be brutally honest about how crazy he is about me pretty much all the time and how crazy he is about my hot *ss on at least a tri-weekly basis..."

Stigmata Replied:

"We ARE still talking about a man here, right?"

Mojo Responded:

Right off the top of my head I can think of at least 3 or 4 guys who do behave this way in their relationships with women that I know, so .....pretty much all I have to do is start acting like those women (which means I have to be much tougher than comes natural to me)."

3 or 4? Hmmm. Yes, I seem to remember once seeing such male or semi-male creature in his adolescent natural habitat. He could be seen in my high school hallways briskly and dutifully shuffling two paces behind the pretty head cheerleader, as she has firmly instructed of him...

..resplendent in his head gear, high waters, and Armitron calculator watch. His arms burdened down by her Journey "Escape" album Trapper Keeper, stack of Tiger Beats and 17s, and a fuzzy pink heart-shaped purse over which his two glassy entranced eyes struggle to peer ... at the same time obscuring his goofy lovestruck smile.

So you're right. Channel the toughness of those cheerleaders and you'll have your devoted man, Mojo.

Or is that "Save the Cheerleader, Save the World"? I KNEW Hollywood had something to do with this.

Well, blackfoot, need to respond to your post but this thread may lock up very soon. Bet you're glad for that, huh?

-Stigmata-

(Who admits to wearing an Armitron calculator watch under his jock gear because he thought it was, like, only the coolest thing everrrr.)

(And who also still can't seem to shake the image he has of blackfoot cruising across an azure sky over verdant fields in his creaky Sopwith Camel bi-plane ... his large frame crammed into its cockpit ... tight goggles, leather ear flaps/helmet ... eyeing his radio askance as this thread title comes crackling across his squawk box.)

*Shaking Head Vigorously*

[MJontheMend]

Women are fun, but they make for terrible wives.

The funny thing is I was a good wife but a terrible wife too. The reason was that I wasn't a happy wife. If I ever do it again I will work harder at being happy than at being good. I don't think it's any different for boys. You just have to be brave enough to ask for what will make you happy. The tricky part is getting that brave. It's very hard to tell on ourselves in that way. For instance, what if I were to say to a date "Thank you for dinner. I had a lot of fun. If you would like to see me again please call or e-mail by Wednesday. I'll be happy to hear from you."? Wouldn't I be kick*ss if I could go around setting boundaries and asking for what would make me happy like that right from square 1? What if I could do the same thing with sex? What if I could do the same thing with a whole freakin' relationship?

Here's my point for you. You could actually just ask some girl to stay inside the fence because it would make you happy if she did (Might take some giant balls though. Pretty scary stuff.) Making you happy would make her happy and contented cows never roam.

[Corri]

BF:

Something I suppose I've wondered about...

Neglect seems to me to be highly subject to interpretation, especially ex post affaire facto. However you are correct. I cut her off emotionally speaking when she 'chose' to react to attraction without awareness. Some manifestations of emotionally cutting off would be cesation of all pillow talk, any conversations about the future, and brushing off any attempts to communicate about what she 'needed'. :dismissive hand wave:

In some threads, you speak very highly of your ex, and her intelligence. So in the time that you moved your best friend in with you (knowing prior to that what he was like), your ex never indicated to you, verbally or otherwise, that an attraction was or could be growing? And even in possible absence of her recognizing it, you did.... right?

I know, this was all part of the test... and everything is, of course, a choice... but... being a woman, and imagining myself in a position where I was feeling attraction for someone, especially someone who lived with me... and I indicated that to my H (which I'm wondering if she did do that with you), and then, to which, my H then emotionally withdrew from me... I suppose I find that rather perplexing.... and given the same situation, it would probably piss me off/hurt me a great deal.

There are several choices available to a woman in that scenario, far beyond submitting to an attraction. Obviously. And I know you have reviewed in your own mind, where you may have done something different in retrospect.

But to label women, generally, to make bad wives... to me echoes of a bitterness within you that is being missapplied to the general population... especially when you did a great deal on your own to create the situation that exploded in your face.

Now if she want me to be an animal, I can do that

As a sex game, or as a way of living? And if you are your own man, with his own purpose, why would you ever make such a statement. As you have from your own experience learned, that to BE something for someone else, to put their needs before your own... is not the best recipe for an M.

This is a dodge I see in your regularly. You describe Who You Are, and How You Are, but then you will state... "I am what women want me to be. They don't want the real me."

And to me, I can see how this would create for you, a confusing and less than accurate view of women in general. You manipulate them by being 'what they want you to be,' then get... bored?... dissapointed?... because they, in fact, let themselves be manipulated. Which is the exact scenario you create.

And that is fine... and certainly a GREAT way to keep from exposing yourself to deeper feelings... I just think it is a cop out to blame the woman.

So does she really hate the pain? or does she love it? Ive always wanted to ask a cat. I also wanted to ask the Tom, how do you remain so indifferant to her pain. He must be one selfish bast@ard. But it seems to work.

If I understand cats correctly, neither the female nor the male realizes they have any other choice in the matter.

Corri

[LustForLife]

Making you happy would make her happy and contented cows never roam.

But some women just don't want to be cows. And that's the crux of the problem.
Sort of like I was saying to Choco. You could make the most ideal M and a woman could still reject it..just because. Maybe she just doesn't want to be M. That could be true for some women I think, especially if they've...BTDT.
LFL

[LustForLife]

This is a dodge I see in your regularly. You describe Who You Are, and How You Are, but then you will state... "I am what women want me to be. They don't want the real me."

Maybe BF just can't be a "cow" either.

[MJontheMend]

Stig,

We must be psychic twins because I just posted my new and improved version of what I really meant to say but still hadn't worked out quite right in the above post to BF. Maybe I still don't have it worked out quite right. Clearly, I don't want a trapper-keeper tote boy -lol . I just think a man would feel more happy and secure in a relationship with me if I was tough/brave enough to be clear about what would make me happy. I would think that any man who didn't wish to start a career as a psychic (although as I mentioned above you do seem to have the skill-lol)or be in a relationship with an unhappy woman would prefer that sort of thing.

If I end up being such a chicken-sh*t that I find myself in a relationship with a man without having told him that I pretty much want it on a tri-weekly basis and how important I consider being with someone who is GGG would be, I will resign from this BB in complete shame. Really I have no clue what my level of desire for verbal validation within a functional relationship would be. I'm pretty certain that I can do without the opposite for pretty much forever.

I'm curious as to why my statement annoyed you so much. Do you have a difficult time saying stuff like "I am crazy about your hot *ss." even if it is true. - lol .

[Corri]

LFL:

I guess I kind of see BF as a cowboy. He gets to work with cows, when he chooses, but has plenty of open range when he wants it.

I think he tried his hand at ranching... and it didn't work out. So now he is back to being a cowboy... which he's good at. It's just lonely business being a cowboy. And ranching isn't ALL bad.

You just can't have both... unless you find that RARE woman who can and wants to, run the ranch when YOU decide you need to hit the open range for a spell.

Corri