Need Veteran Piecer's Advice - desperately!!!

[runningoutoftime]

Uhhh... I'm glad you kept up the PMA at the game. If possible move towards separation and keep the D slow as possible. Even if you do actually go through with it, I think it's healthier to go through this slowly.

Gosh, I wish you were here in California so we could go out together and GAL tonight. Make sure you get a good support group to help you at this time.

I didn't read all the posts on this particular thread (I looked at the other one). Why do you have to move out of the house and into a condo? Shouldn't it be the other way around? Is he buying you out?

By the way, one more thing I want to point out to you... my husband actually filed for divorce twice. First in Feb 05 (I convinced him to try "one more time.") Then, in 06 he had the A and "restarted" the divorce in Mar 06.

All I can say to you is read the stages of MLC. I was kind of skeptical of my husband being in MLC, but looking back at it now my husband really did go through those stages and he had to hit rock bottom to figure out where he wanted to be.

You take care of yourself, keep up the PMA in front of H... try to have some fun too, go out flirt and feel good about yourself.... but try not to get emotionally inovlved with anyone now. You will be very vulnerable. You need to heal. DBing will help with two things. It will give you the best chance for reconciliation and will also help you grow and heal regardless of what happens. You will come out stronger either way.

[Heartbroken]

Thanks for your input!

I want to get a condo - it will be less work and have more social opportunities (pool, club house). We built this house together and it would be to sad for me to stay. We cannot really sell right now as MI is by far one of the worse states economy wise right now. H is willing to give me 50K more than if we get a true appraisal so financially I can make it way easier in a small place too. H will keep the house which will be good for the kids.

H says he wants to be alone - but that is just not him. I don't believe H when he says OW is completely out of the picture - she may be physically but she is still in his head...

D13 (tomorrow she turns 13!) is coming home early today - S9 has football camp with H all day. D13 and I will do something fun! Grocery shop? Ha!

Thanks ROOT! I will go read MLC - I have been saying this is what is seems to be going through (his job SUCKS right now - Ford Mtr. Co,) but have not really looked into it...

[Heartbroken]

Had a better day yesterday with D13(Today 13th) and S9 got back from camp by 12:30 - they keep me focused on them and their bickering and foolin' around!

H dropped S9 off and said 'Do you want to talk?' I said no unless he had something....he seemed surprised. Slept fairly well with the aid of two simply sleep pills. Tonight I will cut them down to one and slowly stop taking them at all.

We are all going to dinner for D13 bday - she picked the restaurant and is glad her dad is coming with us. Then we will go back to the house for cake (french silk pie - again her pick) and presents. I will be positive and light hearted tonight. Each day I do get a bit stronger.

I wish I could help H see has so many signs of MLC - he feels he just wants to be alone - who wants that? It is so sad we are going down this road...

Baby Steps and PMA!

[runningoutoftime]

Sadly, there is absolutely nothing you can say that will help someone in MLC realize they are going through a "stage" in their life and not thinking clearly. Unhappiness with work, wife, family and seeking out a different "role" seem to be pretty common signs of it.

One of my closest friends went through the same exact situtaion as me at around the same time. I explained MLC to her, and she agreed that her husband seemed to be in it, but she was also skeptical and figured he was "gone." She started dating immediately (at least her kids were grown), moved away and never tried DBing. Well, after the divorce was final (and her husband's affair started cooling down) he sent her an apology and apparently had started sending her love letters and the lyrics to love songs!!!! Unfortunately, it's too late (at least at this point!). She has a condo hours away and a new boyfriend who she has been with constantly for the last three months.

I guess my advice to you at this point... is GAL GAL GAL, is your husband still living with you? Arrange to go out one to two nights a week with your girlfriends. Make sure you look HOT (jeans low on the hips so he can see your see black thong underware when you bend over to pick something up or sit on a chair, push-up bra, low cut shirts that show cleavage... sexy clothes!!!!). Go out with the girls and don't come home until 2 a.m.!!!!

If he asks what you're doing just say going out with the girls. If he asks about dating tell him you're not getting seriously (stress that seriously!) involved with anyone because you are still married until the last documents are signed, and feel you need time to heal. But... you never realized how attractive you are and you are just completely amazed at how young guys are attracted to older women (say this in a way that doesn't sound like you're trying to make your husband jealous. Make it conversational and stress your amazement at this). This used to bug the heck out of my husband! In fact, it still does... A couple weeks ago we went out dancing at a club where there were all these 20 year olds and some kid jumped right in front of my husband and started dancing with me!!!! Nice to keep the old guy on edge a wee bit!! LOL!!!!

[Heartbroken]

Thanks ROOT,

H is in an apt until end of August - what happens then is a good question. I told him lets try a true separation thru July and then see where we are at. The kids go to my in-laws in CA for three whole weeks in July - so we will have no need for contact other than sharing dog responsibilities.

I am GAL - went out last Friday and have plans this weekend with the girls.

H stated he has two fears 1) He doesn't want to stay in a loveless marriage - afraid he will never be able to love me again. and 2) doesn't want to come back to realize he regrets it 3 or 4 yrs down the road - these are some big what ifs. But isn't life full of what-ifs? We could die tomorrow...we cannot go by whatifs. I fear he will be making the biggest mistake of his life - and he says isn't that his mistake to make? But in his choices the kids and I are hurt too....

Other Dads of friends of my son say they used to envy H and I - we always seemed so connected. I wish they could convince H what he is throwing away...

Oh well - staying in the present momenet - nothing else to do. Cannot change the past and cannot predict the future!

[Heartbroken]

D13 birthday was very very nice - she LOVED her new cell. I had programmed my phone number in and H left her a voice mail that day before she opened it- very thoughtful on his part.

H gave me a big hug at home, flirted and seemed visibly upset about us - telling me "You are a great Mom..." I wish he could figure himself out. We had a good time overall.

This week is crazy with kid stuff - so I will have contact with H most days until Friday. Then the kids are with me....

I am slowly detaching and getting much better sleep thankfully...

Please keep me in your thoughts - each day is still a struggle...at least I do not think of H every hour like last week..

Keeping the PMA -
HB

[runningoutoftime]

Those are good signs that he's visibly upset and saying you are a "good mom." Gosh your husband does sound like mine! Keep detaching, but also be friendly, flirty, happy about an exciting future, and always look super HOT (the divorce woman look!) whenever you are around your husband. Seeing this will remind him of what he's missing. Also, make sure you and the kids are doing REALLY fun family things when he's off doing his single guy stuff, take photos of the kids at these events and outings, and give him copies. This will help remind him of the fun family things he's missing by not having an intact family. He'll feel left out.

Now if he happens to bring up any relationship talk, here is what I would do... you might consider trying something similar..... If he brings up the loveless marriage agree with him and say you don't want that either. Even tell him very nicely and generously that he probably didn't love you in the past otherwise there'd be no problem loving you again... and you understand and just want his happiness now... because if you loved someone once you can love them again... your agreement with him, niceness along with a bit of logic thrown in will give him something to think about!

And then say you know eventually when this is all over there will be a great guy out there who is just going to love you and appreciate you more than anything because you are a fabulous woman; beautiful, loyal, smart, have an awesome family, great kids, etc... You are valuable and definitely remind him about that by acting like it and pointing out and all your great qualities... and be very happy about the fact you're going to find that fantastic guy... and assure him that you will find a great step dad for the kids. Someone who is going to love them like crazy and treat them like his own. And then touch his shoulder and thank him for being so wonderful. Always thank him profusely for any little thing he does. Things to help with the kids, etc... (hee hee!!!)

And if he brings up the regret thing agree with that too (agree with every stupid ridiculous thing he says!!!! Even if he's completely wrong!). Then say something like you don't want regrets either and "we're doing the right thing..." then carefully bring up... well we did have some fun times too over these last years. Do you regret it all? Do this very carefully. You don't want him to think you're trying to convince him of anything. But basically what you're pointing out is if he hasn't regretted the past, why would he regret the future? All of this must be done very carefully so it doesn't look like you are tyring to control the situation or convince him of anything. Always let him lead and figure the answer out on his own. All you are trying to do is hint at other angles so he might consider them. Kind of like a socratic method. At the same time bring up special memories every once in awhile, or sayings you had. These will become nostaligic reminders of good things in the marriage.

[Delil@h]

ROOT's advice is so dead on.... she puts into words so well WHAT YOU NEED TO DO~

...some OF THOSE things.. I also did.
FOR EXAMPLE....
MY h got on the subject once of me dating and that it was ok... BS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I told him I wasn't ready but when I was " HE WOULD BE THE FIRST TO KNOW!" HE GOT PALE. ( AND HE IS DARK COMPLECTED... )

EVERYTHING SHE SAID IS AWESOME. Good for you getting stronger... I am so proud of you.
GOD bless....

[ourcrisis]

Hb, yes, the advice from ROOT is so good. I remember making an extra effort being a "good mom" with the kids (especially when he is around) when truly, the kids were not my top priority then!!. And I tried (although not too successfully) to at least empathesize with whatever he says. I may not agree, but I have learnt to at least agree with what he feels.
You are doing good.

[runningoutoftime]

Although not just a great mom (I'm always too good a mom. That can be a negative...), but a great family... and a totally HOT MAMA!!!! Hee hee!!!! Gosh, even have fun with that role. After some time I really started to enjoy it. Still do!