Questions for all the "Cheated"

[RedHeadWife]

H and I are "back together," however, he is now deployed for a year so we are in a long-distance R/M. I am here taking care of the 3 boys, ages 7 down to 1.

H dropped the D bomb back in January and we ended up working through it. Still not sure what made him "change his mind."

I am starting IC next week b/c I am just so sad right now. Sometimes I feel so angry.

Why, after his EA when 1st son was not even 2, one-night stand after that and then EA again during D sitch, can I still respect myself? Does he still have any sort of respect for me or is he going to continue to do this kind of crap?

He is very loving on the phone now. I am still DB'ing long distance, supporting him while he's gone, however, how can I ever look at my HUSBAND the same again after everything he has said and done to me.

Does it heal w/ time? When he gets back will it be kind of like we are just starting all over again?

How does everyone else out there feel, truly, about their H/W who has done this to them? I can't imagine ever having done any of this to my H. Maybe I wasn't there emotionally all the years the way I could/should have been, but I never would have intentionally done some of the things he has. How do we begin to deal w/ OUR EMOTIONS. Why does it seem that we, the ones who haven't necessarily done most of the damage, are the ones doing the work to keep our M's alive and making things "good" for the other? When do they start to do some work? When do they finally look AT THEMSELVES and see what they have done to their H/W and their family!!!????

[andyv]

"When do they finally look AT THEMSELVES and see what they have done to their H/W and their family!!!????""


Cadesmom34,

Probably when it is too late, and we move on is when they realise.

I am sorry to hear that your H has treated you the way he has. My W along with your H probably still do respect us, but in thier heads they are in La La land, and think what they are doing is okay, and fill their heads with excuses to re-inforce what they are doing.

Everything does heal with time. You will feel better and there will always be a positive outcome for you, whether it is together with your H or with someone else.

[violets]

My husband seemed truly remorseful and wanted to work things out only to repeat the behavior. Actually he was quite a devoted husband for several years. I don't know what makes someone go off "the deep end". Maybe it is a self destructive thing. It doesn't seem fair to be the one to pick up the pieces after someone else's crash.

[yvonnec]

Cadesmom,
I can understand you being angry. My H is another state right now (the kids and I are moving in July) and I'm lucky if he calls me for a minute a day (just to get what info he needs). You're right that it's not fair that we have to pick up the pieces after they crash. Unfortunatly life isn't quite fair or they wouldn't have done it in the first place. My H is doing nothing to help out our M. He's "in love" with the OW and he plans on leaving in a year. Right now I'm in limbo being so far away. I'm hoping that once we're all together again maybe he'll be able to see that life could be good with his family again. I know the deployment issue is tough. It's easy to have second thoughts and to second guess everything when they are not around. For now do what makes you happy. When he gets home you'll be stronger and happier and will know what it is you want/need to do. Good luck to you.

[RedHeadWife]

I'm feeling very low lately. I am trying not to dwell on negative feelings, but can't seem to help it. In H's last email, he actually said how much he misses & loves us and that there are only 4 people he wants to be w/ -- me & our 3 boys. Unfortunately, I feel almost like I have a hard time keeping positive "feelings" for H going and doing all the supporting/loving things I have been doing for him while deployed because of all of the things that have transpired -- D bomb, A's, etc. I can't seem to wrap my mind around the fact that H seems/seemed to think that he was "warranted" in doing the things he did because he felt I wasn't emotionally there for him -- I think that was his major issue in our M. I have faced and dealt w/ my transgressions in our M, but I'm having such a hard time dealing w/ all the trash that H threw at me and all the things he has done to me that hurt so much and still does. I'm starting IC tomorrow so hopefully this guy will help me deal w/ some of this.

[Dr LOve]

My head is just as screwed up as everybody else’s here so take my advice with a grain of salt. I have had 2 I.C. Sessions and 1 joint session it has been over a month since. I did feel a lot better after each session. They will not give you any answers. But they ask the right questions to make you think. They are Councilors are UN attached (detached) emotionally to your relationship. So they see thinks in black and white. I was worried about MY W. She was going to I.C with another Councilor. I told mine that I find it hard to believe that her C would condone her affair, The C would not tell her to stop. My C. told me her C. would not tell her to stop anything. Her C would ask her Questions to make her think and realize on her own why she should stop. So this takes time. I have not continued my joint sessions because of scheduling issues with my W. The individual sessions I am reserving (I only have 3 more paid for by insur.) for when I am in really bad shape. Luckily I have been able to come here when I am down and you guy and gals pick me back up slap me around a little and I feel better.
C. to me is like if ya ever had too much to drink, ya get a sick feeling in your stomach. Ya know you are going to throw up but don’t want to but after ya do ya feel a whole lot better.
So go to the C spill your guts (figuratively speaking). You will feel a whole lot better

Husband (the inpatient one)
one)

[yvonnec]

I know it's so very hard. H has said and done some very low things to me as well. I've done the fighting back and I know that it hurt our sitch even more. I'm finding it very hard to keep my mouth shut on issues. He's told me that he's sick of my accusing him at every turn. Even though I know I'm making matters worse I can't seem to help myself. I'm hoping once we're in the same place again I can maybe feel alittle better about things and keep the mouth shut and actually do some positive things. Just keep your head up and make yourself happy. Once I move I plan on doing alot more for myself than I have been doing.

[I_Surrender]

It is unique for all of us, the best thing I did for myself was to forgive myself.
I don't say that in assigning blame to me, but forgiving myself for being unaware, for not knowing what the right thing to do was, for not making the best decisions, for making mistakes and so on...

By doing that I am able to begin to forgive my spouse for what she has done.

Forgiving, does not mean forgetting. It does not mean that it makes it right. It does not even mean that I will accept what has happened. It does not mean that it will stop hurting.

It just means I can try to be less angry. Perhaps it will hurt less, sooner.

Anyway that's where I am, trying to forgive, hoping to hurt less, and hoping to think rationally.

Dwelling on anger restricts me from healing myself, becoming a better person, moving forward in life.

[RedHeadWife]

I went to my 1st IC appt in awhile. Actually the first since H and I have been "ok" again and since H left for deployment. Needing to figure out how to get ME better.

Unfortunately or fortunately, I am trying to look at things positively, so FORTUNATELY, he really wasn't able to give me much that I didn't already KNOW for myself. I guess the only thing I did get from it was I hadn't really looked at "getting over" the A's as going through a grief process. But I guess it makes sense as we are grieving the loss of intimacy, trust, etc., etc.

I also picked up the book "After the Affair" which I have started and am hoping will help me a lot.

I know that I will be ok. I just need to allow myself to heal and not expect myself to be ok immediately with all that has happened. That's a personality trait of mine -- I expect myself to just "get on w/ it" and I need to actually deal with all of this or my M is NOT going to be ok in the long run.

H is truly missing me and the boys a lot. I trust that we will be ok. Even if all of the A stuff and the D bomb stuff hadn't happened, we would still be dealing with other "stuff" once he comes home from being gone for a year. I just hope he appreciates how strong I am in taking care of our home and boys, etc. while he is gone and that I will be able to deal with all the crap and move on and hopefully he will see how good he has it. I'm not necessarily patting myself on the back, but through all of this, I have been strong and stuck by his side even though he has acted like a complete dumba$$. I said "for better or worse" and that's what I'm doing. Hopefully he appreciates this and actually acknowledges it one of these days

If not, and I'm not going to think negatively, but IF NOT, I truly will be a stronger person once "through" all of this. Of that, I am sure.

[cat03]

oh hon, I just read your last post in piecing. You sort of know my sitch, it takes months and months to piece, after almost a yr I got my first ILY. I know the deployment is extra hard on you and him at this stage.

Without his presence and reasurance fear is crippling you, know that, face it, slay that fear!

Why, after his EA when 1st son was not even 2, one-night stand after that and then EA again during D sitch, can I still respect myself?

hon, it was not about you, it was about him trying to feel a void, not about hating you.

however, how can I ever look at my HUSBAND the same again after everything he has said and done to me.

We've all been hurt horribly, and had to ask ourselves: can I forgive him/her? If you say yes then you MUST decide to forgive, will you forget? not likely, but in time you recall without condemnation. You've read about that in the piecing forum. It takes a lot of will, but in time the hurt and the memories of the As and S fades.

You can either recall with anger constantly what happened and depen the gap between you two or you say to yourself when the painful memories come "That hurt and it was awful, but I have forgiven him". You choose the way you want to feel. You want to feel humiliated and hurt? then relive the most painful memories w/a vengance.

DO I think about the A, ow and the stuff they did? every day, but less often and without the kick in the gut as before. Where I used to think about it most of my waking hrs now I think about it 25% - 15% of the time. I won't fuel resentment and refuse to let the anger and unforgiveness to rob me of what can be a good r w/my H.

You both have changed, and yes, it is like starting to know each other again. No, I didnt' cheat on my H, but I did hurt him as bad by disrespecting him, rejecting him, making him feel he wasn't #1 in my life. I too am at fault and have no right to only remember his mistakes.

You want him to jump through hops to earn your forgiveness. Forgiveness is freely given, like grace, you can't earn it. So, forgive, like our Father in heaven has forgiven you, 70 times 7.