I have become him

[GratefulMama0204]

Me: 31 [almost 32]
H: 29
S3
S5
Married for 4 years
Together 6 yrs [now]
ILYBNILWY Nov 05
Separated Mid Dec 05
Slept with chica in my house from xmas 05-new year 06

Found out about A with my best friend 1/06 [As a result of confronting him. When he first wanted to separate, she was my first question which resulted in denial, BUT it had been going on for at least 3 weeks]

I petitioned for divorce February 06 [He could not live without her, wanted to marry her, be the surrogate mother of our boys, and I could not have ONE MORE THING DONEto me. I decided to file first because I could not handle being pushed along by winds I had not chosen. [I was raped as a virgin and have issues with ANY ONE MAKING me succumb to their will. It is better that it is MY choice than forced upon me, y'know?]

He wants to make things work- 4/06

I take him back.

He was addicted to painkillers for the two years prior and lied to me daily.

Moves back in 6/06

NOW [6/07], I LIE to him daily about smoking cigarettes, I have a friend who adores me, pays for me, and gives tremendous emotional support, yet is impotent and married, so is no real threat.

I feel like I have become my husband without the drugs or the [censored]. I have turned the tables on him. He treated me like a piece of [censored] and now, subconsciously, I am doing the same,

I ACTIVELY love him. I want us to work. Yet for whatever reason, I continue to sabotage us in almost the same way he did with me.

Man. Aren't I a piece of work?

I have cut off ties with EA/the dude who consistently makes me feel beautiful yet ALSO pushes me to work on my marriage.

I am not sure whether I should divulge the depth of my emotional connection that I had with another to my husnamd. YET, if we are to become WHOLE again, shouldn't I own my truth'"?

OR, is it AS LONG AS I do not ACT in bad ways, HE has ZERO need to know.

Damn I am a mess

[cat03]

if he was just there for emotional support and you were just temporarely smitten and you have cutten ALL ties w/him, let it die.

Right now you need to work on the lying. Are you lying jst about the smoking or about lots of things? are making a habit of it? Bear the consecuences and tell the true, make a point of it.
And to to a C now.