I can't say if this is good advice or not, but if you want to make the divorce "real" for her. You can start letting her have more financial responsiblity for herself and stop paying any of her personal bills. Another thing that helps this hit home is to take her off any joint accounts (open a new one in your name only and stop paying money into a joint account... my husband did this at the beginning of the divorce). If she asks about this VERY NICELY explain that with the divorce you will both need to start financially separating assets. Make it sound like you are doing her a favor and helping her get the divorce going. You want her to be happy and want to help her along, yada yada...
I don't think of this as pushing divorce along. There are plenty of other things you can do to slow it down. I let my attorney know I wanted it slowed down as much as possible. Also, on other paperwork I was extremely slow completeing it and sending it to my attorney. Slowing it down will help you in many ways; it gives time for reconciliation, time to financially protect yourself and ensure she's making enough money to reduce your potential finanical burden, time for transitioning and healing, etc...
Don't expect anything from MC and don't seem too eager to go. I think it's a good sign she wants to go, but my husband offered to come to one of my C sessions and he spewed a lot of ugly stuff at me. It was pretty upsetting. Just remember, when they are in divorce mode they aren't themselves and will say things to push you away. The chances are higher at this point that any turnaround is going to take at least a few months if not more.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
ERC, What a roller coaster of a day for you! At least you have the right name.
ROOT gave some great advice. I would not mention MC again to her. If she brings it up, say you have to check your schedule and get back to her later. I also love the ideas about separating finances to "help get the divorce going". Beautiful, lets her get a taste of the "freedom" that she wants. As Chris Christoferson wrote "Freedom's just another word for nothin' left to lose."
Focus on you and the kids, forget about her and let her worry about her!
SD
Me 41 W 41 Kids: S9 S7 Married 16 years Bomb dropped 2/2/07 Still living together! current thread
Theo, Root, SD, Thanks for the support and advice. If my lawyer says there is no major problems with me opening my own accounts I will do just that. The problem with me pulling my financial support is that I might get introuble legally for doing so. In her orders for dissolution she is asking for me to pay for everything while the D is going through. She also is asking for me to pay for her legal fees, WTH is that all about. So I cannot do anything unless my lawyer agrees with what I am doing. I will not mention MC unless she brings it up. I will go, but if it is just for my W to attack me that will be the last time I go.
I am of the mindset now that who cares, what is she going to do Divorce me? I am now for the firsttime in a long time living my life for me and my DD's and that is it. If my W wants to join us great, otherwise who cares. I still love my W and probably always will. I can nolonger allow her to control me or my emotions. It still hurts and thinking of the pain that this is going to cause our DD's can easily get me to break down.
Last night I had a wonderful evening with my DD's. I picked them up from my W friends house and brought them home. I made us dinner and then took my DD's for a walk around the block. When we got back home we played in the garage for awhile and eat some ice cream. Then my 5D asked to see my fishing tackle. So we spent sometime going through it. When I put my tackle box away I saw our tent and showed it to my 5D. She asked if we can put it up. What the hell I thought, why not. So we spent the rest of the evening hanging out in the tent watching movies on the portable DVD player. It was a blast. My 5D and I spent the night in the tent. I was also planning on letting 2D sleep in the tent with us but my W stopped that. Though my 2D did make me feel good because as my W carried her away she started screaming and crying for me. That was my night. It was fun and since my W is working tonight we might just hangout in the tent again tonight.
Oh no, you can still financially support her and pay for expenses, but you will now be fully in charge of your money and she'll have to start keeping a tab of what she needs. Instead of pulling money out of the account whenever she feels like it, she'll need to ask you or get a certain amount each week or once a month (however you set it up). During divorce a spouse should not have full access to the other spouse's account because they can pull money out and hide it. In fact, that's VERY common. And a little here and there adds up.
She'll need to come up with a reasonable budget and then you can give her a check every week, biweekly, or once a month. There shouldn't be anything illegal with you doing this because you are in dissolution and are expected to start separating assets, accounts, etc... All you are doing is starting that separating of funds ASAP (and this protects you! It wouldn't surprise me if she's currently pulling extra money out... EVERYONE in divorce does it. So talk to your lawyer about this immediately and start right away).
With your wife working part-time and making decent money as a nurse, I'm not sure how much she can ask you to cover financially. I know if she wasn't working at all, you would be expeceted to pay for the divorce even if she is the only one who wants it.
One more thing, try to keep the divorce and your feelings for your wife separate. Keep in mind D attorney's will say bad things about the other spouse to make you angry, and keep the divorce going. So when they do say something bad about the other attorney or spouse, keep in mind it's just part of the game. Helps insure they make their money....
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
ROOT, Thanks again for the wise advice. I will start the ball rollling on opening up my own checking account.
My W the other day left me a note and her copy of the orders for dissolution of our marriage. I took them so I could copy them to give to my Lawyer. The last two days she has asked about them: once to make sure they were not just laying around somewhere, and just now saying that she just wants her copy.
She brought ours girls out today to do some shopping for Fathers Day and told me that she wanted the gift to be a surprise, so don't let 5D let me know what it is. 5D at times has problems keeping secerts when she is excited about something.
As of now I am scheduled to go with my W next week to her counceling appointment. I have no idea what my W goal is for bringing me. I will have to wait and see.
Many years ago, I knew a couple headed for divorce. She wouldn't go to MC because there was "no point." So the H's IC suggested calling it "divorce counseling" instead, and she went along. (As it happened, they had some pretty basic communication problems and they ended up staying together, but that's not my point.)
If you think of it as "divorce counseling" then you can focus on how to minimize the impact of the D on your girls. Sort of like mediation, but focused on the relationships rather than the assets.
This may be your W's motivation. Or, she may also want a place to rip into you, with the "referee" in her corner, just to piss you off and make you want the D. Or, she may have realized (or her lawyer suggested) that it "looks better" if she agrees to MC.
In any case, you don't want to be the one refusing to go to MC, especially after one visit. If they really gang up on you and you can't stand it, then suggest that she pick a new "neutral" MC, and if she refuses, then at least you're on an equal footing. That is, you can't agree on a counselor, rather than you just refusing to see hers.
BTW, I went through this. We were going to MC for a year, then the counselor (over 70) was diagnosed with cancer and died in a few weeks. We both found IC's, and eventually we tried MC with her IC. This counselor insisted on having one solo session with me before starting MC, to get my side of the story. Even so, it was clear that they had an agenda and although I was willing to continue, my XW declared it "pointless" after two sessions.
Divorce counseling is a great way for me to think about the counseling session. My expectations are on D and no matter how bad it goes my expectations are set low. The weird thing about her asking me to go is that even after she saw her L she was dead set againest it - whats the point she said. She asked me only an hour after I chuckled at her when she told me she had to pickup the pieces from a failed M. After I chuckled I applogized for it and then told her that no this is your decision and that I am the one left to pickup the pieces of a shattered M. I am the one that has to live with the fact that I cannot see my girls on a daily basis, etc.... Well an hour later she called me upset asking me to go. So I have no idea what the motivation behind this counseling session is, but I will go into thinking it is divorce counseling.
Tonights update: On my way home from work I called my W to see if she wanted food from her favorite establishment. I was able to joke around with her on the phone and we actualled had a brief laugh together. When I got home she informed me that she had a vistor today, our neighbor who goes to our church and at one time was accountability partners with my W. I have no idea what was said nor did I ask. She also mentioned that one of her old highschool girls called today and asked my W what the hell is going on. Again I did not ask about what said...
Another strange thing that I learned today is that my W emailed Sandi Patty. She has been reading her books and has really connected with her so she says. The reason that it is strange is that I emailed her the otherday also.. She might get pissed off if she finds out that I did this. I was hoping to get her to talk to my W, but my W is going to her. Interesting isn't it... Another weird thing is that my W was trying to get ahold of a Pastor that preaches from time to time at our church. When she was involved in youth ministries he was kind of a mentor to her. Well this past Saturday guess who preached at our church.. You guessed it he did. He actually came up to me because he heard what was going on and was really disappointed with her. So she is trying to reach out to him now. This might not mean a thing though I find it interesting.
Your W has wanted to keep this "between the two of you" because she doesn't like what she's hearing from everyone. She may be trying to get hold of this pastor to tell her side of the story--but that's OK because it still gives him the opportunity to set her straight.
She's embarrassed by her own actions--they don't match up with the person she wants people to believe she is, and it is cramping her style.
Again, she may want you to go with her to IC in order that her counselor can convince you this is a bad marriage. So that you will go along and tell everyone its mutual. Well, its not. You can DB the counselor right along with W. "I understand that this is what she wants. It's not what I want, but I can't make a marriage all by myself. I'm very sad that our daughters will have to go through this, but I want to make sure we make it as easy as possible on them."
Mike, I think you are on the money saying that she is embarrassed with her actions because they do not match the person that she wants to be. She choose adultery not I. She choose not to tell me how wounded she was and how unfullfilled she was in in our M. I did not choose to run from our M problems she has. I will never say that this D is mutual. Nor will I go around smearing my W. But when people ask about it now and since we are at this stage I have the right to say that she has filed for D. It is the truth. Because she is the mother of my kids I will not give all the details of what all has taken place, but I will be honest in answering questions.
Another good friend of mine contacted me last night and heard what all is going on for the first time. He is a cop in the area that the OM lives. Everybody that has known us is in shock, including my friend, when they hear that we are on the road to D.
I have been and will continue to do whatever I can to stop this D and reconcile but without my W making some sort of commitment I do not see how this will happen. Maybe next Monday is her way of making a commitment maybe it is not, we will see.
Tonight is softball for me. My W is planning on bringing the girls out to the game and then letting the girls spend the night at my parents. I may get served tomorrow since she will have plenty of time without our kids to go get the papers from her L. If so I am prepared. I am going to tell her that I want her to be happy and if this is going to make her happy then I will not stop it. I will give my L these papers and you will get my counter shortly. I might even tell her that I am opening up my own checking account so that our assets start to get divided.
ERC, I just wanted to stop by and say that I think you are handling this incredibly. You are taking the highroad and that will always be the best route! I am in a similar sitch except after years of this crap I am pulling the plug. My W's A and unwillingness to work on our M has brought me to this point. But, I like yourself, will not lower myself to go around bad mouthing her and exposing what she has done, I have told her this. She will have to live with her choices and the damage it will do to our family and I have to live with the choices I make. I want to travel the highroad and always be able to look at myself and say "I was honourable". All the best to you and your family through this time.
