Aaarrrgh. Ok, do your worst, guys. All opinions appreciated. ;o)
Mrs AC...
Hey you - forgive the bluntness in this email, 'k... I haven't got what it takes to have an affair (which, I think, is a damned good personality trait) and believe me, I really don't want to be the one to split our family up, but I need to write this to you because talking about it hasn't gotten us anywhere yet - and probably won't get us anywhere anytime soon. And I'm sending this letter to you while I'm away so you have a chance to read it properly without us getting into a silly scrap about it all. ;op
You honestly have no clue how happy I was when we patched things up last year, but nearly a year after we did so, I'm now beginning to wonder why we actually did get back together. I acknowledge the part I played in our problems leading up to you leaving, and I really believed you when you said that this would be a 'fresh start' for us, and I'm trying so hard to make this start as fresh as possible from my side of things, which, hopefully you're noticing. Problem is, things are pretty much exactly the same as they were before we split - and yes, I'm talking about sex and intimacy, or rather the complete lack of it within our marriage.
The thing is, I really don't think that you have any idea what kind of effect this total lack of intimacy is having on me. The feelings of sheer rejection I'm experiencing on a day to day basis are absolutely immense, and while I adore the very ground you walk on, one thing I am now certain of is that I just can't go on like this for the rest of my life.
Yes, I've at last grown some bollocks and I'm facing this problem head on. One of us - if not both of us - has to.
I'm not sure whether you're happy to rattle along in half a relationship like this, but it's certainly not a NORMAL or HEALTHY place for either of us to be in. I'm hoping with all of my heart that you'd like to fix it just as much as I do, so we both can be happy in the marriage and we both can thrive in a normal, loving, and healthy relationship, and we both can set a damned good example to S6 and D3 for when they grow up and get to do it all themselves.
The thing is, I find it extremely difficult to put how I'm feeling into words without sounding like a desperate bloke who just wants a shag, but can you imagine lying awake in bed night after night after night (for literally hundreds and hundreds of nights on end) hoping with every last tiny cell in your body for some (any!) physical contact with the person you love more than anyone else in the world? Can you imagine trying time after time after time after time to initiate something (anything!), only for that same person to forcefully, physically, mechanically and literally push you away each and every time? Can you imagine hearing that person angrily say "get off me" every time you try to touch them intimately in bed, and believing that they really, really mean it? Can you imagine hearing that person make a point of telling you before you even get into bed how tired they are, or that they've got a headache, on what now seems like every other night, seemingly as a warning for you not to try anything? Can you imagine putting everything you have emotionally into a relationship only for the person you love to clam up and not even attempt to meet any of your needs? Can you imagine being physically near the person you love almost 24 hours a day, but not being allowed to get close to them at all?
Can you imagine how any of that would make YOU feel? Can you imagine what that does to your self-esteem? Your confidence? Your mood? Your view of relationships and marriage? Your outlook on life?
But the stupid thing is that it really shouldn't take much to fix. It's just that we've both got to step up and acknowledge that there's a problem, acknowledge that a marriage with no intimacy is not normal by any means, and promise each other that we'll both do whatever it takes to put things right.
We've already got a head start. We had a great sex life before the kids which means it wasn't always like this and it proves that we can be good together. We both love each other. And we've already got a cracking little family. Plus, virtually everything else about our marriage is great. Remember, this is all stuff that's working to our advantage.
I know you have no intention of going to any kind of counseling and to be honest, I'm not really into that either. So, I don't think I'm asking much here, but as a start, I'd appreciate it if you could read at least some of the book that's in the top drawer of my bedside cabinet - if only because it will do a much better job than I ever could in telling you how this whole situation is making me feel - and in describing the way we blokes think about stuff like this. I don't want to sound patronising at all, but I honestly think you'll learn something about the way us guys think. I've certainly learned stuff about women just by reading it. However, yes, it is a self-help book, and there is advice for me as well as for you, but on the whole, it's pretty interesting - and it could almost have been written about me and you.
I know you've recently told me that "you knew what I was like" and all kinds of other nonsense like that. Our relationship has really only been like this since we had kids so my guess is that it's something to do with the kids being around so much. And there are plenty of ways around that - like sticking a great big bloody lock on our bedroom door, for example. Heh. But only you know yourself best, and I could be completely wrong about what's causing this. I just get pissed off when you try to force me to believe that it's always been like this. Because it hasn't.
So, to start with, what would mean the world to me is if you could just let me know that you'd like us to have a normal, intimate marriage, too, and that like me, you'll do what it takes to get us there. Even just reading the book this weekend would tell me you're at least willing to try.
However, and this is where my new big bollocks come into it - if you're still not willing to try because you don't want to, or you can't, or you truthfully don't love me any more, or you think you're not 'in love' with me again (whatever that means?), or all you can give me is another wishy-washy, non-committal "give me time" speech, or you're involved emotionally or physically with someone else again, then I'm pretty certain that our marriage as it stands ain't gonna survive much longer.
I know you thought that I was content to just carry on like this and accept the scraps of a relationship whenever you felt like throwing them to me, but really I'm not. Or at least I'm not anymore. I need more from a marriage than you're giving me right now.
As you know, I'll do anything it takes. It's your call now.
