Yes, there definitely is, Whatisis. I moved my office home around April 14th I think it was or so. I don't have my calendar in front of me, but I think he came home maybe 3 times between then and the end of April, so not a huge amount, but a slight change from before.
Then it started May 7th or whatever that Sunday was that he came home from his shrimping weekend with the guys that this 23 day long stint started. I know I'm presuming, but there was a credit card receipt on his PERSONAL credit card, not the business credit card, for a charge to a nice restaurant for the night before he left with the guys for the weekend to go shrimping. On the receipt he just wrote "dinner" for what it was for. He usually write who it was with, but not on this one. And there usually isn't many personal charges, as most of his dinners are with business associates. And there was a charge for a bottle of wine and four drinks, two each of a different kind. (I don't think we've EVER ordered a bottle of wine when we've gone out to dinner...) So, anyway, I'm presuming that he took her out the night before he left, which killed me...
So then he was gone from Friday morning until Sunday morning and came home that night, and that's when this stint started.
He also told me that it was when I was in Vegas by myself that he decided to give us another chance...
So I do know that pulling away from him does make him think about us and pull him a bit closer. It's kind of hard to do that so much now that he has been coming home more. But I will take what you said into consideration and will work towards distancing myself in ways that I can, such as not answering his calls so much during the day, etc.
I left him a message tonight around 7:45 on the way to the job site - I left my phone in the car, so I don't know if he has called back yet. I'm feeling the anxiety of the possible evening without him coming on... God, give me strength.
Tam, sometimes the hardest time is when we sense some movement. When they shut you out it is, in a strange sort of way, easier because you know how the game is to be played, the rules are understood. When there are "baby steps" you want to grab onto them and bring the love back yesterday! I know last summer when I sensed some change in my W I was ready to sing and dance. It felt really good but the sky just continued to fall (not that yours will!). Now, my last bit of advice, snooping is not a feel good activity, it is part of NOT distancing yourself. I know it's hard as Hell but try and at least cut back. The more you snoop the more entwined you are in his actions, that can be our downfall. Do for Tam and by doing so you are doing for your M. Take care of you.
Well, I am absolutely exhausted... Since I was up in the area last night, I drove by to see if H was at OW's house. Didn't see his car anywhere around there. I came home, and he was not home either. I was up until about 12:30. I woke up at 3:30 and couldn't sleep and went to look again, and I still couldn't find his car either at the office or around OW's house... OW lives on a city street, so there are lots of side streets around there, and H usually goes out a few blocks to park. So when I go there, I have to drive around a while to find his car. I just didn't see it today. My gut tells me that he is there, but I just couldn't confirm it. So I got home at about 5:45 and am a wreck now. I'm so tired and have been crying, just feeling lost and confused and angry and not knowing what to do. I know i need to hold it together for our trip and not make a mess of that, and that's what I intend to do, but my heart is just breaking... I keep thinking negative thoughts about us not staying together and how hard that would be to lose him and the business and the closeness of our families, and I think about how bad I messed up in our marriage and how angry I am that things got so screwed up now. I'm worried that things will never be able to be the same (but better/different) than they were. I just feel so hopeless and alone... I just pray that these are all normal feelings for whatever "stage" this is that we are in. My heart is breaking...
Our posts just overlapped. Thanks for your thoughts. Yes, that makes sense that any sort of positive movement sends us sideways a bit. It's a whole new arena. I hope where we are going is in a positive direction, even if the direction we are going is convoluted and twisted right now. I guess this is all relatively new to me as far as this change in his actions, and I'm having to "learn" how to handle this and to take care of myself in the process... It's brought up a whole new set of emotions that I'm working through. I'm just not sure the best course of action to take right now.
I know that snooping is a negative action and that it only hurts us. I know that in the past when I stopped myself from snooping it helped me so much. I have experienced that for myself, so I do know that. As I mentioned, I guess with the turns things have taken over the past few weeks I now feel a greater "need" to know what actions he is taking, maybe just out of trying to protect my own heart.
I think you are getting closer to needing to "draw the line in the sand"...perhaps AFTER your trip... I think it better to tell him you are willing to work on things and when he is willing to put in his 100% you will be there...then the alternative of you just getting to the point that you have been hurt too much to let it go and let him back into your life... I really think when you return home you need to detach a lot and really really do some soul searching...maybe just tell him when he brings you home that "I need some time to think"...cut him off and see what he does....but I truly think that his "cake eating" is just eating you up and eventually the anger and hurt are going to spew...and then it might be too late for you both... You will only get respect when you won't accept anything less...and I think right now you are allowing him to be extremely disrespectful of you....
It's ironic that seemingly no matter how good your progress is in relation to moving towards reconciling, it's still a long way short of where you would like to be. That's the part that hurts.
Tam - you and he have made great progress. He's is home more than he is away - that's a huge improvement. You haven't had a freakout, hysterical episode for weeks and weeks. He is feeling safe with you and chosing you the majority of the time. That's sucess in this game.
It's not that long ago that he said he didn't want to be married - and now he is demonstrating that he's not sure what he wants. I know how frustrating it must be - but I sincerely admire your commitment and fortitude to getting this right.
Your challenge now is to put last night aside and maintain your optimistic flirtatious personality on the trip away. You can do that. You can do it because that is the strategy to get you closer to what you want - a reconciled marriage.
Tam - sometimes it is darkest before the dawn.
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
Thanks for the support and (Hugs) You don't know how much I appreciate the support. I have been so busy that I haven't gotten to post much but you are in my thoughts.
Detaching is tough....But they seem to do it when they want and don't feel bad at all.
Hang in there You are doing so well. Keep up the good work... Be Strong!!!!!!
Thanks for checking in on me. I am still on my trip. I go home tomorrow night. H left last night, as he had to race today.
V, I have to tell you that ironically just before H came home last Wednesday to pick me up to leave for our trip, I logged on and read your post from that day. It was EXACTLY what I needed to read before I left and gave me so much strength. I was feeling so frustrated, sad, and angry about Tuesday night, and your post just helped me to let that all go and refocus on the task at hand, and that I did. So, as always, THANK YOU!!!
So there's lots of details and incidents, but suffice it to say for now that we had a wonderful trip together. I concentrated really hard on just being me and continuing to be flirtatious and having very enthusiastic and productive business conversations with H. He ALWAYS kisses me now when we see each other and part. He HELD MY HAND on several occasions while we were here, and he even put his arm around me while we were walking yesterday. I know these are small things, but they are huge to me compared to where we had been several weeks ago.
I tried to initiate ML on Wednesday night, but H was really tired and just turned away from me and went to sleep. I tried to not take it personally. On Thursday night we were both really tired again. I purposely just snuggled with him and did not try to initiate anything. Friday morning, H initiated ML, and it was wonderful. He initiated again on Friday night, which was wonderful as well. H also on multiple occasions made sexual comments to me (e.g., having "nooners" during lunch, etc.).
I'm still very sensitive to his phone. I feel like he purposely "hides" it from me so that I won't see if she contacts him. He doesn't physically hide it from me, and if I wanted to look at it, I certainly have multiple opportunities (but that is something I know that I definitely do NOT want to do - I know that I could potentially see something that would absolutely devastate me, and it's just not worth it). But it's more that when I'm with him he always kind of shelters his phone screen when it rings, if that makes sense. I may just be being overly sensitive, but it seems that way. Anyway, that was a bit hard these past few days, since we were together 24/7. But I hung in there.
Also, H sent me the first text message I think he ever has last night when he landed. He had left me a note under the covers of the bed in our hotel room telling me to have sweet dreams and thanking me for a good trip. It was so sweet of him to do that. I called and left him a voicemail message thanking him for the nice note. So he got in at about midnight and sent me a text message saying he had just landed and that I was welcome for the note and to have sweet dreams. I purposely did not reply, as I know that he learned how to do the whole text messaging thing from her, and it just is a sore spot and stabs my heart a bit... But I was very grateful for the nice message from him regardless. It's just hard.
So this morning we had a very motivational speaker talk at our business meeting. H and I have heard him before, and it brought back a lot of memories and emotions. When he finished speaking, I was feeling overwhelmed with emotions. I sent H the first text message I think I've ever sent him telling him that I had just heard this speaker and that I am so sorry for everything and that... I love him. I told him that he didn't need to reply but that it was just important for me to tell him that. My heart raced as I pushed the send button... I know I'm not supposed to say ILU, and I have not said it at all in this way since November. I have said it a few times when we've had our "discussions," but never in a out of the blue, non-discussion mode like this. It's hard to explain, but something moved me to do it, to act on what I was feeling and to reach for what I want so badly. So I took a leap of faith. I also made sure to tell him that I wasn't expecting a response, as this was something I did for ME, not because I wanted a response from him or wanted to pressure him at all or wanted to see if he would say it back. That was also the reason that I chose to send him a text message instead of calling or forwarding him a voicemail message. I was trying to be non-threatening and not pressure him. This way, he didn't have to respond at all and could even tell me that he didn't get the message or something. I honestly didn't really expect him to respond at all, but that was okay, as I did it for me - I really needed to say it. And I figured that for my first text message to him (at least I think it is) that I would make it a powerful one that would be memorable for me. That certainly was not the reason that I sent him the text message, but rather it just felt like the right way to let him know how I was feeling.
Well, he sent me a text message back in two minutes' time saying "Thank you. Love you, too. Sorry also. See you soon!" I went numb and had to leave the meeting as I burst into tears. He hasn't told me that he loves me since November either. I don't even know if he's said it in our "discussions." There is no way to know if he just said it because he thought he had to, but I pray that that is not the case.
He sent me another text message after he raced today telling me that he won all of his races and asking how the meeting was going. I told him, and he wrote me back saying he was eating lunch with his dad. I wrote back and told him to tell his dad hi and asked him about the weather there, as his mom had called me and left me a message saying it was really hot there today. Well, I sent him that message around 5 o'clock tonight, and he didn't reply, and he hasn't contacted me since... So now of course I fear he went to OW's house...
I go home tomorrow night, and H is picking me up at the airport. I am arriving fairly late. I suspect that H will probably stay the night with me but don't know for sure. I am dreading going home in a way because I will see whether he stayed at home the past two nights... I pray for the best.
I forgot to tell you that we also talked more while we were here about the business. H brought up getting an assistant again. He wanted me to put an ad out while we were HERE! I was so close to having "the talk" with him about my not wanting to do that until I was more certain that we were on the right track again, but I knew it wasn't the right time. So I skirted my way around it.
I'm not sure what to do now. I feel like I need to have that talk with him soon and get a gauge on where things are at. I feel like I've been extremely patient and understanding and have worked so hard at not bringing up any R talk. I'm still scared to do it for fear of blowing everything out of the water. My plan at this point is to keep things as-is for at least the next week or so and see what transpires, see if he is still coming home as frequently as he was and just see how we interact. I had scheduled another trip to Vegas by myself for next week, but I forgot that it is Father's Day, so I had to cancel. I am going to call tomorrow to see if I can reschedule for a different time within the next few weeks. I thought I would take a few days away and "go dark" again and just take some time to myself to regroup and think about things and give him a chance to do the same. Then maybe when I got back I would talk with him.
I plan on talking again with DB coach before having any sort of talk with him just to see what she thinks. I don't want to ruin everything I've accomplished. I was so scared to even send him that text message this morning, but I was pleasantly surprised by the result.
Whew... that's the update for now. Let me know what you guys think. This all just feels so strange. It's like he is getting closer and closer to being so much kinder and loving towards me and picking up so many of the things he used to do for/with me before, yet he is still sleeping with OW as well... I'm having such a hard time internalizing all of this and figuring out how to handle it...
You've made such progress but don't get to excited. Have Patience and then have more patience. Just keep being your fun loving self. Don't have to much expectations. Just keep up the GAL and try not to put to much pressure. I believe you are making those valuable baby steps that we all want to accomplish.
