Hey Choco,

The last time I checked in..your thread had locked! The lockmonster must REALLY LIKE you a whole lot! ;\)

Congrats for coming out with guns blazing at your attempts to save the marriage. I can tell you straight out that 3-three weeks into DBing is peanuts! [I am not even counting SSM] How can you devalue yourself and the marriage by throwing in the towel after only 3 weeks after exposure of the affair? For this reason, we call this the rollercoaster or the "Fun House" as I call it.

I will be straight out honest with you:

Your wife is behaving like a crack addict...she needs the OM for her dopamine supply. Unfortunately, many people who have affairs have no sense of groundness or reality of the wide path of destruction they are leaving in their wake. Like many DBers who have successfully pieced their M's, many spouses have come out and said that as time passed...they've come to see the OW/OM's true colors and that's when they began to re-think the foolishness of their perception(s). This is the most crucial point where the LBS presents a much better option than the OW/OM. Choco, check your anger and pride at the door! This isn't the time for it. Your wife needs to see you as the strong and courageous person who fought for her and the family.

Choco, you need to keep all of your wits about you and contain your emotions when around Mrs. Choco. Believe me, I've read tooooo many stories on the BB where the former WAS tells their H/W when reunited that the spouse came out much better when they were steadfast and loving in their commitment to save the marriage. These LBSes never painted the OW/OM in a bad light to the WAS--this only serves to drive them closer to the OP in defense. Don't bother with trying to slander the OM to Mrs. Choco--it will be seen as a direct attack to her via OM.

Stay steady, strong, and firm with your boundaries. Yet remember to contain yourself emotionally when dealing with Mrs. Choco...I know easier said than done.

NOP, I wanted to address your previous entry about "would I support the OP meeting the kids...etc." NEVER! I've seen some really unbelievably doormat behaviors throughout the BB. However, there are two schools of thought in saving one's marriage: Exposure/confrontation vs. DBing in a loving, non-guilt inducing way. I honestly believe that there's NO right way about this process. However, MWD's books only serve as a good road map in pointing us in the right direction...just not THE road map of and in itself. I am sure you would agree with me that taking a destructive approach would be extremely counterproductive for all involved. Hence my urgings to keep one's emotions in check with the wayward spouse and vent all here on the BB.

Choco...keep your chin up! \:D The peanut gallery here is cheering you on in each step of the way! [No, I am not Lucy who takes away the football every time!!]