Bottomline your wife has no respect for you. She knows you don't have the strength to leave. She calls your bluff each time. Lack of love, lack of respect and lack of remorse equals a lack of a foundation for a marriage. At this point she is no longer doing anything to you....you are doing to yourself. Its just how many years you will put up with.
I have fought for this strength to move on......I am calling my bluff.
I talked to the real estate agent about selling the house if W didn't want to. I guess I will need a lawyer after all to force this or I need to learn how to file everything on my own with the courts. The courts will decide if the house is to be sold or if I can just get my name removed..
I am separating all finances. I am going to the court house next week to file for legal seaparation........just to make it official and for one of us to move out. If I move out, it will be stated that I will no longer pay the entire mortgage...I don't know if I will be stuck with it if I get my own place....but she has already decided that she will not move out nor sell the house.
You are SO RIGHT in assessing that she has NO RESPECT for me...I brought that up this morning.....and every time she calls me a name in disrespect - at home AND in public. Public is the worst.
The last thing I want to do is stoop down to her level and argue like a 16 year old with yelling and screaming and getting in my face....it's very CHILDISH......and I have told her to lower her voice, stop name calling, and give me distance......she just laughs in my face....
I am taking time off from work next week so I could go file, and I am making extra hours to cover my time off without digging into vacation time......
She does NOT control my life!!!!!!!!!!
Last edited by sol1696; 06/03/0705:25 PM.
~Sol
~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Single Dad, and luvin it! ~ Happiness is a state of mind ~
She made a comment to me this morning, she said that she had numerous PA's during the 10 years we've been together....and then she got in my face and told me that "I never satisfied her sexually". She was enjoying saying every word of that with a big smile on her face.
~Sol
~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Single Dad, and luvin it! ~ Happiness is a state of mind ~
"W, I am shocked and hurt that you have had so many As. You must be in a lot of pain too to be having them. And, my guess is you are afraid of MC in part because of them. Look, to have a good R with anyone, it is something you'll need to work through. I know it will be painful, I understand you are scared. But, you may as well get started on it with me. I promise we will find an MC who won't judge you, and if we have to switch, we have to switch."
That she really did have other affairs? I don't know.
I was shocked to learn that she had this one!!!!!
I am about to post my entire sitch, become fully transparent, as God sees me. I don't want this burden anymore, and I need people here to assess my sitch in a new way.....but most of what I have posted is accurate.....I just left out some minor but important details that will implicate my W ......but it is her own mess she created - I just wish I stopped it sooner, but I was thinking about saving my M than doing what is "right"........
I will post it later tonight......or sooner.....
~Sol
~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Single Dad, and luvin it! ~ Happiness is a state of mind ~
Also want to point out that my R with W is deteriorating very fast. we are going back and forth - with her accusing me not having any friends, not liking sex, not satisfying her, that it's all in my head, nothing happened with her and OM, that I am going crazy and need to see a shrink (which I am but for different reasons)...etc, etc.
And I am telling her we need MC, asking her why she won't go (BS answers......she doesn't "feel" like she needs it), she won't quit her job or work days instead of nights.....
So I told her I have consulted with a lawyer, and now she is panicking.....
I have invited her to go to MC with me, compliments of my insurance.
And she hasn't apologized about her outburst yesterday when she gloated over me. I, in fact, told her I was sorry for everything, if it matters to her or not.
Basically, my M is not where it needs to be. I can love her unconditionally until the sky turns purple.....but my M will not change - or rather, she won't. So I am going to post something that will create controversy to a point, but my sitch is more complicated.....
~Sol
~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Single Dad, and luvin it! ~ Happiness is a state of mind ~
Sol, she's throwing infidelity at you because she knows it's your sore spot. I agree, she probably has not had the sex partners she's claiming. She's just trying to hurt you in the way she knows will work, that's her anger. Now, you asked me to email you but I have no email address I can use, so I imagine that you want to clarify your sitch. So, if my advice is unhelpful then please feel free to say "put a sock in it, Whatis!" I won't be offended. I just do keep noticing that you put the entire emphasis for change on MC and on your W's actions. DBing is about doing things differently. If something doesn't work, stop doing it and try something else. I certainly don't advocate that you just let her walk all over you BUT being proactive means deciding on an action plan and doing it. Doing makes for feeling hope! If you sit back and allow her to run the show you're beat. I hope I'm making sense and, again, if it's not useful just say "put a sock in it, Whatis!" Take care of yourself Sol. Oh, almost forgot, the "you don't satisfy me in bed" thing, that's just another attack on your masculinity. She knows it hurts so she uses it. Don't believe her, Sol.
I hope to gain more insight as to my W's behavior, her state of mind, whether or not she still cares for me, and why she doesn't want to truly "work" on the M. She is shifting all of the problems of our M onto me, saying I am the one with the issues and not her. She still says it is my fault that she went to OM to "talk to", and I should not be jealous but that my jealousy is creating more problems for us.
OK, this is what has happened since August 2006:
Quick sitch. Prior to the A, I was job searching for 10 weeks, just got out of the navy. Things were tight financially at home, but the bills got paid by some miracle. I started working in July 2006, A started in Aug 2006. I had no clue. Last summer we had some arguments about not enjoying our outings as a family ... my fault AND her fault, but she pointed the finger at only me.
OK, fast forward to after the A, as soon as I found out, it seemed like it stopped. I called OM via our cell phone bill and he gave me a false name ... so did my wife. Then she told me she had feelings for this guy, I lost it, and found the site. Wife freaked out that I found out, but then she tried to "reconcile" and we had the best sex for 2 weeks, and then she started to retreat. This was in Nov. 2006.
During Nov, wife tells me of her idea to bring one of her sisters (SIL) from Mexico, where wife is also from, to the states by marrying someone from here to gain legal status. She tells me she found a friend that will help her, and she said she will pay this friend of hers for doing this "big favor". I objected at first, and knew that my wife was going to do this anyway ... she already had that plan in motion before she told me. That's when I helped her set up an email account (she didn't know how) so she and her "friend" and her sister can communicate ...(she told me she just wanted to get in touch with her sister). I noticed there was a guy's name in her email account that was different than OM's I knew about (the false name). She was open with her emails back then because she was hiding the truth, and I had no idea her "friend" was really the OM. I thought they were 2 different people. Another lie. Eventually I found out the guy's real name from my earlier snooping, and I confronted my wife about it, she denied it of course, and that's when my wife created another email account without my knowledge to specifically talk to the guy and she sends a love letter.
DEC comes, OM sends email to my wife telling her it's "over" between them and that he loves her, etc., and I confront my wife about the OM from the cell phone bill and her friend from helping her sister is one in the same. Wife freaks out again, I show her the emails I printed out the day I was going to CA with my daughter. Wife says "it's over", she takes us to the airport, we hardly spoke at all, and then she hugs me and tells my ILY while my daughter and I were waiting for our flight in the food court......I thought it was really over at that point.
JAN comes, wife tells me that OM is now involved with SIL and wants to meet her, but she also needs to prove that they actually met in order for their marriage to be valid here. My wife then asks me if she can go with OM to Mexico to visit her family and meet SIL. I was furious, untrusting, and about 1000 different emotions running through my mind. She did it anyway, nothing I can do then, I was trying to DB, and just let her do whatever it was she was going to do, and she goes on a trip with OM to another country for 9 days. Wife tells me to trust her everyday before and during the trip. I tried to everyday, but I couldn't. She called me at home once a day, short calls, and she kept saying ILY......Well, she made her trip, and when she came back she was even more distant. I now regret that she went on that trip with OM.
So here were are 5 months later, she and OM are still "friends", and wife's plans to marry OM to her SIL is still on. I am not going to pry into that part of her life as it is her own mess, but my fear is that OM will marry SIL anyway, and he will then become my BIL. Twist: SIL is also pregnant from another man over there, but my wife suspects it could be OM's child also. Even if it is from someone else and not OM.....I am questioning why OM is still eager to marry her like this....(something is not right here).
So that's the background to my sitch and what my wife thinks is a good idea about helping her sister by using OM she was with. I know she has lots of serious issues she doesn't want to address – and it is taking a toll. We have a house, new cars, and other bills and I think about my daughter's future and well being everyday. I also worry about my wife, and how "depressed" or "disturbed" she may really be deep down, but we can never know unless she starts getting help.
~Sol
~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Single Dad, and luvin it! ~ Happiness is a state of mind ~
Sol, maybe he wants to marry her for the MONEY! In a sense what you've written helps a bit here. I'm thinking part of her anger maybe that she sees you as screwing with what she considers family business. She's trying to get sister set up in a better life, you aren't supporting her (nor should you be!). Blood is pretty darn thick! So now OM could become your BIL, and after a few months they'll dump each other and go their separate ways. So, while understanding your anxiety, I'm not sure how this changes what YOU should be doing regarding your M. You still need to DB just like everybody else. You can't DB based on what you think might happen in the future. You DB for now. What can you do today that might make a difference. Don't base DBing on your anxiety about what might happen tomorrow. But, that's just the opinion of a guy whose not in your shoes. You have to decide what you can live with. Keep us posted.
