Some thoughts about our financial, self esteem and relationship issues as men that brought us to these situations we are in.
I grew up 'Dirt Poor', and I built myself up only to lose it, then build it again. The loss cycles are hard on my W, since she has never been 'poor'.
When I was single and young I lived for many months in a 'rent a room and share a bathroom' house which was mostly housing older men who were alcoholics. I was only 19 at the time.
I know what 'poor' feels like and I also know what 'well off' feels like. See, I have a God given gift of being able to solve really really hard problems, building huge and complex software systems. I can't explain to people how I figure things out. I just see the solutions and all the side problems in my head, like a vision, and I can explain what to do to build it.
I grew up in an abusive family. Factory workers with no drive to better themselves. I was the smartest one there but was always made to feel stupid. When I was around 18 I realized I had this 'knack' for solving problems and 'hid out' in University for 10 years working in the computer center as a developer. Kinda felt safe being around 'people like me'.
I stayed so long because the manager I reported to kept me 'down'. by telling me how I would never survive in the 'real world'. That worked for me, I was too afraid to leave. But eventually it got too intolerable to work for him so I did leave.
I worked for a company in Los Angeles for a couple years. Very dysfunctional owner. I invented a couple of 'neat' programming tools that they made a million or so dollars selling.
I did this for another company also. Saved projects that were going down the toilet, did other stuff to make other people wealthy.
I went on my own, with some partners and created over the years a couple good sized companies, only to be betrayed by my partners in one way or another. One was my friend who basically I had helped get his green card (he was canadian) so he could stay in the USA with his famliy, only to find out he was misusing the companies funds and the other partners believed his lies, eventually forcing ME out of the company I created.
The other company was during 'dot com'. I met a couple of Harvard Grads who were qualified (on paper anyway) to work with me to build up my already growing company into a larger, better run telecom business. They promised a lot and they believed their own BS. I took a chance and they proceeded to downsize my staff, and stop growing the company infrastructure so it could be 'profitable' - because that was all that matter in their plan.
Taking these hits to my self esteem was hard. And I lost my drive to succeed, developing cynicism about others instead.
I went through a period, where I was so unhappy and I spent money on 'toys' trying to find something to make me feel better. I never felt good about buying anything, not because my W would 'disapprove' but because I felt guilty that I wasn't really being financially prudent. It's a bad cycle to be in. Buy something, feel 'better' for a couple days, then feel guilty you bought it. Depression, then buy something else.
It doesn't work. Money is great and it buys stability and toys and fun trips. However, True love and happiness is not on the list. Trust me. I know this.
Eventually my W became WAW and you all know the rest. I figured out how to fix things, looked inside myself and took the time to learn what being a real man means. I can't tell guys enough, women are NOT like men in so many ways, yet we treat them like they are, or we shake our heads when we don't understand why they do things the way they do. Then they leave and we wonder what happened.
Right now, we are financially devastated. Probably going to lose our house to foreclosure, and have lots of debt. I wasn't able to focus on stuff last year to make money, and all the entrepreneurial projects I've been working on have not paid off for 3 years which has been very devastating.
You can't live on vapors forever. The last straw has been due to a large telecom company disputing our billing for the past 6 months to the tune of $150K to us, and a total of millions of dollars to others they are screwing with.
The bright side is that we're probably in the strongest relationship we've ever been in. The majority of W's 'past life' issues are resolved, or at least put in a perspective of understanding that they will never be 'fixed' because the other person (W's Dad, My Dad) will not change, or is dead (W's Grandfather, My Grandmother) and can't be addressed.
Even if we had to live in a small apt, as long as I have internet access and can continue my software development we'd be ok, and in love. It's been a hard road to walk the past 3 years. But the outcome in my marriage has been good.
the major message is that we must take the time to look at our own muck inside s, because eventually it comes out and messes up our relationships. What's worse, is that we married someone who was integral in that muck, they were chosen because they 'fit' into the puzzle that is our lives and fulfilled many requirements we had previously set up.
In my case, I was used to taking care of myself, and I know what it's like to be poor. When I met my W she was in need of being rescued and I was a rescuer. Perfect fit. Eventually though, the rescuer has their own problems and the W is faced with that 'empty space' being empty again except they never learned how to fill it themselves, how to be 'ok' on their own or how to be 'supportive' of their rescuer.
Now we both know what being in a marriage is all about. So we have a much better chance of surviving this cycle and making sure it is our last.
