M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
And here I thought I was being all admirable for my restraint. Sheeesh.
All right, you asked for it.
I think your h needs a big kick in the a$$. You've just forgiven him a major, major indiscretion ... one that would have had many a woman kicking him out of the door, presto. And then he lied, and avoided, and lied again. To now stall on something so simple as the assignment your therapist gave you is .... I don't even want to get started. He should be tripping over his feet looking for ways to make it up to you. This ain't it.
As for the "sex is for procreation", that's complete and utter BS. What he means is "I like young women with firm bodies". So does the rest of the male population on this planet. Which is fine if you're a serial monogamist, who trades the old model in for a newer one as soon as it shows signs of wear. At some point, if you want all the advantages of a long-term relationship, the companionship, the friendship, the history, you have to GROW UP. Someone who wants it both ways is nothing but a cake-eater.
If this makes you feel defensive, don't be. I understand that you feel this is not the time to leave, or make a scene, or even push very hard. I respect that. I'm just angry on your behalf, because you seem like such a great woman. I wish I could take your h and shake some sense into him, so he realizes just what he has. I hope your therapist will kick him for me, and from what you tell me of him, he just might.
SG - I knew you had it in you girl!! Thanks for being honest and, to tell you the truth, I think I would be saying the same thing if it was someone else other than me.
I totally understand where you are coming from and had this been your regular run of the mill A, he would have been gone a long time ago, trust me. But I am dealing with something out of the twilight zone I swear. The regular DB techniques just don't work, period! And, I really don't believe he is just into the firm bodies because he never was one to judge a woman based on her body, unless she was grossly obese then I am sure that wouldn't do much for him
He didn't really specify that it was for procreation but just said that is what he thinks about when having sex
You are right, we couldn't have asked for a better ST to set things back on track
As for the avoidance in doing the homework, I guess I could give him a whole heck of a lot of excuses but I won't. He was told, I tried to set something up that day, then again yesterday. I am through reminding. If he doesn't get it done, I will bring it up at the ST appt on Friday, then he can do the explaining.
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
I know this might sound hard to believe, but he is not all that crazy about BJ's
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
I know this might sound hard to believe, but he is not all that crazy about BJ's
I don't mean to be putting words in your mouth so correct me if I'm wrong, but this wouldn't surprise me at all as far as receiving them from YOU. Remember how he views you, receiving a BJ from you wouldn't coincide with how he perceives you. It WOULD go right along with the women he would choose to be sexual with though...so I'm thinking he wouldn't turn it down from the OW.
I'm not saying he doesn't like them, or wouldn't like one from me, but he is VERY conservative and isnt into anything that isn't the basics. Early on in our relationship he didn't seem to mind but when he got more withdrawn, that was the end of them
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
Heywyre, that's kind of what I'm saying. What he will find ok/acceptable to do with YOU is going to be different than what he will find ok/acceptable/enticing to do with someone else that he would seek sex out with.
Our H's will do the same old moves, very boilerplate, very vanilla type sex. Whereas (sorry to say this) it probably wasn't so vanilla with the OW...because he sought her out for that purpose. Sucks huh!? With you, he might let you give him a BJ but not really get into it, or say he doesn't really like them....because in someone's mind (like my H anyway) it's a dirty thing to do.
Briefly, some affairs are reactivity to a perceived lack of intimacy in the marriage.
Others arise out of addictive tendencies or a history of sexual confusion or trauma.
Some in our culture play out issues of entitlement and power by becoming “trophy chasers.” This “boys will be boys” mentality is subtly encouraged in some contexts.
Some become involved in an affair because of a high need for drama and excitement and are enthralled with the idea of “being in love” and having that “loving feeling.”
An affair might be for revenge either because the spouse did or did not do something.
Or the revenge may stem from rage. Although revenge is the motive for both, they look and feel very different.
Another affair serves the purpose of affirming personal desirability. A nagging question of being “OK” may lead to usually a short-term and one-person affair.
And finally, some affairs are a dance that attempts to balance needs for distance and intimacy in the marriage, often with collusion from the spouse.
The prognosis for survivability of the marriage is different for each. Some affairs are the best thing that happens to a marriage. Others serve a death knell. As well, different affairs demand different strategies on the part of the spouse or others. Some demand toughness and movement. Others demand patience and understanding.
The emotional impact of the discovery of the affair is usually profound. Days and weeks of sleeplessness, rumination, fantasies (many sexual) and unproductively follow. It typically takes 2 – 4 years to “work through” the implications. A good coach or therapist can accelerate and mollify the process. I don’t recommend “marriage” counseling, at least initially.
The devastating emotional impact results from a couple powerful dynamics. Trust is shattered – of one’s ability to discern the truth. The most important step is NOT to learn to trust the other person, but to learn to trust one’s self. Another is the power that a secret plays in relationships. THE secret exacts an emotional and sometimes physical toll that needs to be acknowledged and dealt with.
How can you help?
Those in the midst of their affair crisis told me they need this from you:
1. Sometimes I want to vent, get it out without censor. I know sometimes I will say what I shouldn't be saying. It may not be nice, pretty or mild. Please know that I know better, but I need to get it off my chest.
2. Every so often I want to hear something like, “This too shall pass.” Remind me that this is not forever.
3. I want to be validated. I want to know that I am OK. You can best do that by nodding acceptance when I talk about the pain or confusion.
4. I want to hear sometimes, “What are you learning? What are you doing to take care of yourself?” I may need that little jolt that moves me beyond my pain to see the larger picture.
5. I may want space. I may want you to be quiet and patient as I attempt to sort through and express my thoughts and feelings. Give me some time to stammer, stutter and stumble my way through this.
6. I want someone to point out some new options or different roads that I might take. But before you do this, make sure I am first heard and validated.
7. When they pop into your mind, recommend books or other resources that you think I might find helpful.
8. I want to hear every so often, “How's it going?” And, I may want this to be more than an informal greeting. Give me time and space to let you know exactly how it IS going.
9. I want you to understand and welcome the ambivalent feelings and desires. I would like you to be fairly comfortable with the gray areas and the contradictions about how I feel and what I may want.
10. I want you to be predictable. I want to be able to count on you to be there, listen and speak consistently or let me know when you are unable to do that. I will honor that.
Affairs are powerful. Affairs are costly. They affect family, friends, colleagues and employers. Affairs are also an opportunity – to redesign one’s life and love relationships in ways that create honor, joy and true intimacy.
First, forget about the 15 minutes. If my W was accounting for every minute I spent I'd be a wreck. I'd have to come up with all kinds of lame excuses because what I am really doing would probably not meet her expectations of me. I know how hard it must be to trust him, but geez, you've got to give him a little more space. You'll suffocate him.
Second, I think it is a VERY BAD idea to press him about not doing the homework. Leave that to your ST. If you are really uncomfortable and unsure then call your ST and ask him what you should do.
You've got to look at this transformation in terms of baby steps. Don't expect this to just go all YOUR way, right off the get go. Your H's heart and soul are open, but his mind and body have'nt caught up yet. Be patient! Count your blessings! It seems like the miracle that your H is even willing to go to ST has been just swept aside, and your back on the attack because he's still a schmuck because he's not performing to your standards, ie the homework.
Just worry about YOU! Be open, be willing, and don't judge or try to control your H. Let reality unfold, and let your ST coach, guide, and lead your H through this. Don't worry, the ST will make him accountable. You don't need to go making yourself an obstacle, or a point of frustration right now. And you should definately not treat him like a child. That might stroke your ego, but it won't get his penis hard.
Hang in there, you're doing fine.
God Bless,
COG
My Story http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...&Number=660444&page=2#Post660444
