The bomb was the separation. My H doesn't do things in small steps -- too many chances for confrontation which might make him back down. He woke me up one morning after taking the boys to school and told me he was out of there. He now says he had been reading and thinking (& reading this web site!?) for a couple years, and by the time he told me any of this, he had moved out some of his stuff to the house he stays in now. At the time he walked out, he even had talked with a lawyer and had gotten paperwork started w/o me knowing, but all that was halted when it became apparent that someone - the lawyer or H - had misunderstood our financial picture and the only way we could have afforded to divorce would have thrown everyone into a financial tailspin. H is nothing if not fearful of appearing heartless, so even though he wanted to end it all there, he chose to not push it until we were in a better financial place. B/c of that, H agreed to wait at least one year - thank heaven for small favors like overextended incomes!
I have decided to try going very dark for a while. With the boys not in school, there are fewer reasons for H to come around when I'm here and less need for coordinating schedules. I think that if I can keep from seeing and talking to him as much, at the least I can keep from talking R & other things and heal my heart a bit, and at the best -- who knows? ImLin wrote me that her H said the same things as mine for almost two years and then he ended up coming back. I don't know if I can wait 2 years - I'm not sure H will hold off - but that does confirm that whole thing that nothing is certain in any areas of life except change.
I think my pain yesterday was just how certain H sounded. I'll get my resolve to wait again; I just can't let it go simply. And you know, even though I keep thinking I need to move beyond this board, I am so grateful that you and others are here for support. I have my sister and aunt to call at any time (they live on opposite coasts, so if one is asleep, the other is probably still awake ), but writing here helps too.
I'm still on that rollercoaster and we are starting up the next hill! (chunk, chunk, chunk...)
), but writing here helps too.
