Secrets

[Betterman]

I have been dealing with my WAW's secretiveness for far too long now. I have no clue why she feels it is so necessary to hide things from me. Some of these things that I already am aware of, like little text-message conversations with her online-BFs and phone calls to and from other men. She will not let me near her cellphone or laptop, and I stay out of them simply because I know that it would damage things. She would say that I was "getting into her sh*t" or that I had no respect for her privacy.

Now, I realize that she (as do I) needs some amount of privacy. We can't be totally into each other's business all of the time. That would be just too much and not healthy for any sort of relationship. But all of this secrecy is never good for a relationship either.

I have confronted her on it, telling her that it's not good for her to keep doing this because it only creates problems. I know that the counselor who I had been going to and she went to by herself a few times as well has told her that secrets are damaging in any relationship. Still she has this need to keep them.

I have done all of the DBing stuff to get her to stop. Ignored it, never mentioned it, don't act annoyed when her phone beeps that she has a new message or when she is texting away to whoever. Act "as if." I even handed her her phone last night when it beeped in the middle of a conversation we were having and I just kept on talking away like it was no big deal.

I have mentioned this before in earlier posts, and I still believe this this is that case. Because I DO NOT act annoyed, she doesn't wonder "Why doesn't this bother him?" but instead I am convinced that she thinks, "Oh, OK...he doesn't care. Well then, good. I can keep it up." She is satisfied with the status quo which I give her by not interfering and it "gives her permission" to continue her secretiveness as well as her other behavior.

This has to stop. And once again, the DBing doesn't seem to be getting me anywhere on this one.

Any ideas?