I am starting this thread to stir up (or clear up) what is a marriage really worth saving for when there are kids. Some would say to stay for the kids sake....that was my thinking for a long time, but I was unhappy in my M. Others would say to stay for love, if 2 people still love each other - with real unconditional love......a solid R, with a solid foundation.....(that is what I want now).
I feel I have wasted too many years by not taking any real action in the past to try to improve my M a long time ago....but from what others have told me about my sitch...it was not a good R from the beginning. It will take YEARS of therapy to try to get my M to where it needs to be.
But as it turns out, I cannot do any more but file for separation. Nothing has changed in my M/R with my W.
Last edited by sol1696; 06/04/0701:03 PM.
~Sol
~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Single Dad, and luvin it! ~ Happiness is a state of mind ~
My h and I have no kids, so I am holding on for love. I know my h still loves me, and I still love him, but ow is still in the picture. It has been about 6 months and I am about done.
I think that we had a good relationship for a lot of years, and I still believe we can make things better than they were before, but I just don't know if my h has all that hard work in him. For some reason he thinks relationships should be easy (ow brainwashing). He wouldn't have done this if he was happy and loved me (ow again). He has rewritten a lot of our history. I think my h is having a mlc at 29. He is depressed and miserable. If he was happy, I would have let go months ago. He is finally seeing a C, so maybe that will help him.
At least if our m ends, I can say that I did everything I could to try and save it and I think everyone on this board can say that. A lot of people would have quit and never looked back. It takes a strong person, to pick yourself after being hurt so bad and stand beside your spouse as they hurt you more and more with the hope that we can all have great, new marriages with our current spouses. It's a big risk, but they always say that you can't get big rewards if you don't take big risks.
M:28, D finalized: 8/28/07 Current Thread
"When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile."
It's a big risk, but they always say that you can't get big rewards if you don't take big risks.
Sol, I agree that you should should stay in a M because you and your W truely love each other and are committed to each other. This is whats best for you, your W and your kids. It will take a lot of work for a lot of us to get to that point. Unfortunately for me it does not look like I will get to that point with my STBX(First time I have used that).
But my w has not shown me any real change nor is she commited 150% to the M. She wants to stay for the kids sake and ultimately for her own sake as I am providing a place for her to live while she continues with her plans involving OM (still in picture). She will not go to therapy, not let go of OM, and continues on the same path before all of this. I have made the next step to go to MC by myself. I have contemplated separating for a long time, while figuring out why she wants to stay miserable in this M and not leave it.
I don't get her. If she is unhappy, and is not willing to work on it (she has said it herself), then why stay if there is no love? I feel it will be better for both of us to go our separate ways and still have a good R with the kids....I am making sure that they will always be in my life.
But I refuse to stay in an uncommitted (on her part) and unloving M. All I am is her security and convenience....that's not true love. I believe in staying M out of love.
Last edited by sol1696; 06/04/0701:44 PM.
~Sol
~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Single Dad, and luvin it! ~ Happiness is a state of mind ~
I'd have to ask...what does your gut tell you? My friend stayed in her M long enough till her heart, mind and soul gave way to sheer exhaustion. In the end, she left her now XH for her own sanity and happiness.
When the man you love constantly accuses you of cheating when there is nothing going on, you'd get pretty tired, too.
In her case, though, she left the M early enough so that her child wouldn't grow up to be a helpless witness to their struggles.
By the sound of it, you sound almost as tired as she was...
I am exhausted. I wanted this M to improve, but there is no improvement.......therapy is needed, my sitch is that my W has so many issues that if left unresolved, we will get worse in our R....and eventually D anyway down the road.
I cannot emphasize how vital she needs therapy and medical attention for her physical and mental state....she has depression, unhappy in the M, and refuses to go to MC with me or on her own.
My gut tells me that my heart is too tired, too broken, and my hopes are just that...hopes. I see many other happily married couples, and I wonder what I have been missing. The only guaranteed love is for my daughter, and I also want to excel in my artistic career......but I need a stable R to do that in, or no R at all....
I am not abandoning the kids, but will instead be helping them by allowing them to grow up in a loving environment.....without being M to my W. I believe in staying M out of pure unconditional love...but it has to be both ways, right? Just staying M for the "kids sake" is emotional suicide, I think.
~Sol
~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Single Dad, and luvin it! ~ Happiness is a state of mind ~
Sol, you wrote: "I believe in staying M out of pure unconditional love...but it has to be both ways, right?" Sorry, guy, unconditional love is not "I will love you as long as you get help with your depression, go to MC, give 150% to the M and do it now!" Those are conditions, my friend. Unconditional love is "I know you aren't doing what I think is best but I will continue to love you and try to approach this situation in a different manner" IMHO. Now, if you can't and must be like a dog with a bone, then you must BUT don't call it unconditional love! What you are doing right now is basing the entire success or lack of success for your M on your W's actions. That puts you in a place called helplessness. Bad place to be, Sol. I do feel your pain and understand it completely but you need to stop spinning your wheels and do some DBing again! BTW I think you going for counselling is an excellent idea, that's taking action appropriately. What else can you do now?
I disagree, unconditional love says "I want you to be the best person you can be", not "i will allow you to walk over me because I love you". Sometimes unconditional love means tough love.
sol. do you think that you are helping your wife grow as a person by letting her disrespect you? Or is she hurting herself with this destructive behavior.
No one can disrespect you without you allowing them to. You are only hurting yourself.
You have to be true to yourself. If you feel disrespected in the relationship, you cannot continue on like this. You are just being dishonest with yourself, and dishonest with your wife. Your smile on the outside is fake when inside you are calling your wife names and angry about the way you are being treated.
You can't change her, you can only change yourself.
So 1. change the way you feel about how she acts, and accept it fully. or 2. change the situation.
Whatisis is right Sol. You can't call it unconditional love with strings attached.
I have been trying to keep up with your stich and get a better picture of where you are now. From what you have written, it is up to your wife to change or you are leaving.
Well, as we all know, we can not change others, only ourselves.
It sounds to me that you are ready for a separation, but are looking for someone to tell you whether it is right or wrong. I know because I was there as well. I finally decided, for myself, my kids and even my H, it made more sense to separate because the path we were going down would have ended worse.
Is it hard, absolutely. Now that my H has found the "woman of his dreams" (met her on line 3 weeks ago, and thinks they are meant for each other)it makes it more difficult. She is 22, he is 35. Umm yeah.
Sol, you really need to search within yourself. If separation is what you need, even though it is really hard to do, you have to do it. If you think you will regret leaving for YOU for one minute, don't make that decision yet.
