I take heart, Lin, from messages like yours. My sister reminded me too that H is in the midst of a lot of heavy therapy right now (dealing with ACOA guilt and shame) and probably feeling bombarded by feelings of all sort. He never was good with feelings -- again, that ACOA stuff -- and if that's true, then his only response (as my sister pointed out) is defensiveness and rejection.
Still, it's so hard. I'm going to try to go dark as much as possible in the coming months. With the boys out of school, H won't be around as much -- at least not every morning when I'm here -- and so maybe I will be able to just not contact him more successfully.
Cross your fingers and send up prayers... Thanks -- Anne
Oh Anne, I'm sorry. See, the way I see it, you're WAY braver (is that a word.. lol) and stronger I!! I have learned to NOT ask the hard questions cuz I'm TERRIFIED of the answers!!! TER.RI.FIED!!!!!!!
Read some more DR and I know tomorrow will dawn a little brighter than today!!!
Remember, I'm with you on this roller coaster, so you're not alone.
Just keep doing what you're doing to become a MILF and start paying attention to the attention you're getting. That will definitely boost your confidence and self esteem!!! :o)
You wanna hear something funny? When DH said he was walking, I said "I was hoping you'd wait until I found a f/t job"... LOL!! I swear we live parallel lives!!!
(((hugs))) I would give you my email address, but DH is the one who set it up, so I'm really vague even to my IRL friends. I feel fairly safe here, though.
Hang in there!!! If anything, we'll get through this together... you and I, right?
Thanks, JustD, for the support. I am trying to just step back tonight and regain patience. I swear, though, that I wonder if I have what it takes to wait.
And I wonder if I should wait or if I should tell H that we can plan for a D -- when should we let the WAS go? I know, it's more the sore heart talking than the mind, but today was so filled with unhappiness.
Do you know that H's C can't figure out why H ISN'T suicidal! How crappy is that? H&me know he isn't mainly b/c my sister died from a suicide attempt; you live through one loved one's suicide and you never want to do that to your family. Still...what if we are better apart? If H has that much pain to work through, what odds that we can find each other later?
Too many questions and too much uncertainty.
Still, look at what I'm gaining through this experience: more insights into my own psychi than I ever wanted to have, an incredibly effective weight loss sich, and finding friends on-line. (That sounds sarcastic but it isn't meant to be; I really do think these things are important gains out of all this.)
I have to go here b/c S1 needs a computer to finish one last paper. I wanted to say thanks, though, and no matter what happens, it's great to have you out there rooting.
How long have you guys been separated? I know it says bomb dropped 1/07, but did you separate right away? I still say I'm too new to this, but I would try to not mention R say for a week. Try to give yourself small goals like that!! Trust me, I have had many a dialog with myself fighting against saying anything. Example: Yesterday on the drive home, all the boys were asleep and had the MP3 players on. I thought about asking, but in the end decided against it. Usually I would have taken advantage of that time. Not this time. I'm a talker, so biting my tongue is very hard for me... LOL!!
I know one of the reasons I let DH take DS for the night is cuz I'll have to see him the next day. It's just a short time, and you really can't get into anything in that amount of time... LOL!! So even though you're afraid it's too close to D arrangements, you might want to give it some more thought.
The bomb was the separation. My H doesn't do things in small steps -- too many chances for confrontation which might make him back down. He woke me up one morning after taking the boys to school and told me he was out of there. He now says he had been reading and thinking (& reading this web site!?) for a couple years, and by the time he told me any of this, he had moved out some of his stuff to the house he stays in now. At the time he walked out, he even had talked with a lawyer and had gotten paperwork started w/o me knowing, but all that was halted when it became apparent that someone - the lawyer or H - had misunderstood our financial picture and the only way we could have afforded to divorce would have thrown everyone into a financial tailspin. H is nothing if not fearful of appearing heartless, so even though he wanted to end it all there, he chose to not push it until we were in a better financial place. B/c of that, H agreed to wait at least one year - thank heaven for small favors like overextended incomes!
I have decided to try going very dark for a while. With the boys not in school, there are fewer reasons for H to come around when I'm here and less need for coordinating schedules. I think that if I can keep from seeing and talking to him as much, at the least I can keep from talking R & other things and heal my heart a bit, and at the best -- who knows? ImLin wrote me that her H said the same things as mine for almost two years and then he ended up coming back. I don't know if I can wait 2 years - I'm not sure H will hold off - but that does confirm that whole thing that nothing is certain in any areas of life except change.
I think my pain yesterday was just how certain H sounded. I'll get my resolve to wait again; I just can't let it go simply. And you know, even though I keep thinking I need to move beyond this board, I am so grateful that you and others are here for support. I have my sister and aunt to call at any time (they live on opposite coasts, so if one is asleep, the other is probably still awake ), but writing here helps too.
I'm still on that rollercoaster and we are starting up the next hill! (chunk, chunk, chunk...)
Remember, DR says they'll keep changing the time line.
YOU should take the baby steps. Start by going dark one day... then two, three, a week? With me, when I start getting anxious, I know if I can hold out, then I know I'll be over whatever it is the next day. Nights are pretty much the worst.
So we had our session with C. She asked if I was on drugs she didn't know about, because I'm doing so well. I could NOT tell her about this site and DR cuz I didn't want HIM to know... LOL!! We (C and I) have talked before about how when I first found out about the A, I was desperate and I hadn't been like that in a long time. I told C today, that apparently over the past 2 years, I have been desperate, just not as outwardly. C didn't say much, but revisited it closer to the end of the session and agreed that I really didn't seem desperate now. That there was a different air about me. I told her all the GAL stuff.
C asked him a couple of times something about what he wants now from our relationship. He was VERY vague!!! VERY vague... not even answering the question... just pretty much saying to keep doing what I'm doing. GAL basically. We talked about how I didn't know how things were going and our last conversation about R was over a week ago. HE mentioned how we haven't had date night because the priority is on the kids (mainly 7yo) right now and we will need to work that in somehow. Now I told you, I would not bring it up any more and I still won't.
I told her how proud I was for fixing the toilet myself. Seem like she had done it before so wasn't as impressed with me as I was.
We talked about the difference between needing him and wanting him (JUST like ImLin, I think) said!! I could tell that he was happy with the 180s but still a little pissed that it's taken this long. Oh well. Nothing I can do now to change that, right? As we once again come back around to your "dealing with remorse" title!!
We talked about the difference of him working late because of these layoffs opposed to working late to stay away. We talked about me not wearing my ring, me thinking he's lying about his.
I don't know... I think I'm on one of my highs. Do you ever feel bi-polar or manic depressive because of the extreme highs and lows. I know myself enough to know that I will question how I'm feeling, brace myself and things will soon go to pot again. Guess I'll try a 180 there.
I gotta go do a "big" shopping. *sigh* We used to go shopping together... for YEARS and he hated it. WTHeck is with waiting until things fall apart to talk about these things? Men! I think I'll pick up some new pink nail polish for my toes.
I'll be back later to check to see how your day has been!!
Okay, so what not to do, aka, how to end a conversation quickly.
I asked DH what his schedule looked like this week. He said "specifically?" and I said "Thursday for Music on Main" He said you're not going with the girls? I said no, GF's DH is in town and they're going. He asked why I didn't go too and I said "because I'll feel like a 3rd wheel." He asked about other girls nights I had planned and i was talking about some of the girls I was introduced to and DH started complaining that GF always talks about other people. She does. So I got kinda mad and said "you want me to GAL and then you complain about who it's with?" I also complained about being the 3rd wheel and I'd planned on taking the kids instead. He was having a beer... poured it out and left.
He also griped earlier in the day that I didn't remind him that DS was getting his braces off. I said it didn't matter because he was going to look at a house at the same time and couldn't make the appt anyway and besides, i thought he knew. He said he wouldn't have gone, but would have liked to have been reminded.
And I'm gonna gripe here... He brought over his sheets and some dirty laundry. I also had some of his dirty laundry from this weekend. I got it all done and folded. Bought him a couple of laundry baskets (so I could have one here and he could have one there and we could swap in case I couldn't do a same day turn around. I asked if he needed anything from the store and got him milk, soda and few other things. I never got a thank you. Not a one. I'm just a *itch.
Oh and DH wanted to take DS to dinner to celebrate. There was a Hooters grand opening and I suggested he take him. (3 out of the 5 of us like their wings, but I've never actually eaten there.) Anyway, so *I* suggested he take him there even though I'm scared to death DH will come away with phone numbers. But I did it anyway and took myself out of the equation.
Appreciation? What's that?
Don't sweat it... I'm not totally down. Tomorrow is a new day and I'll pull myself up like always and make it a better day.
Thank goodness for this place. There's no way I could hold all this in.
What a day you've had! Your time at the C's sounds positive, at least from what she saw in you. That's great!
My day was much less eventful -- H came and picked up the boys for their last day of school, I went to work, I came home from work, H was here with the boys & S1's girlfriend and left, we ate and that was it.
BUT, I did manage to be fairly dark today. I only talked briefly with H at both times - and each time only to clarify schedules - and didn't call at all. If I can do that tomorrow, I'm on a roll. Not all that exciting, but maybe setting me up for more success.
I'm reading this book by Pema Chodron, a Buddhist teacher, about dealing with bad things in life. She talks about how when things are shaky and nothing is working, that we are on the verge of something very tender and healing; that when we experience the groundlessness of change we can either wake ourselves up or put ourselves to sleep. I think that if I can keep holding these kind of ideas in my head, maybe I'll be able to let go of what I want H to be doing and instead be ready for what I will be out of this. Sunday was enough to make me just lose it, and I know I can't live like that. I need to find ways to hold onto patience and keep going forward - no matter what.
See, the rollercoaster is about midway up; I just hope that this isn't one of those "water flume" type hills and instead is only a short bump hill. (I know there will be a down side, but maybe it can be a short drop!)
So, what color fingernail polish were you going to buy?
How do any of us decide how to walk (run? crawl?) this journey? I want H to sit down and eat with us -- or at least sit down and eat with the boys -- but he just won't. He seems to need to do it by himself (although he isn't really since he's living where he is through the good graces of his friend!). If he said he would eat with us, I don't know that I wouldn't jump right up and make him whatever he wanted. At the moment I think I'd have some restraint, but the thought that making him food might bring him back could be enough to make me lose my strength w/o thinking.
Still, D, have you considered what type of a 180 not doing DH's laundry would be? Scary! - yes, but might it be something to startle him?
Not trying to criticize, just a question, sweet.
Today's sunny and if I can get the finances done this morning, I think it will be another good "dark" day. We'll see...
), but writing here helps too.