Thanks for checking in on me. I am still on my trip. I go home tomorrow night. H left last night, as he had to race today.
V, I have to tell you that ironically just before H came home last Wednesday to pick me up to leave for our trip, I logged on and read your post from that day. It was EXACTLY what I needed to read before I left and gave me so much strength. I was feeling so frustrated, sad, and angry about Tuesday night, and your post just helped me to let that all go and refocus on the task at hand, and that I did. So, as always, THANK YOU!!!
So there's lots of details and incidents, but suffice it to say for now that we had a wonderful trip together. I concentrated really hard on just being me and continuing to be flirtatious and having very enthusiastic and productive business conversations with H. He ALWAYS kisses me now when we see each other and part. He HELD MY HAND on several occasions while we were here, and he even put his arm around me while we were walking yesterday. I know these are small things, but they are huge to me compared to where we had been several weeks ago.
I tried to initiate ML on Wednesday night, but H was really tired and just turned away from me and went to sleep. I tried to not take it personally. On Thursday night we were both really tired again. I purposely just snuggled with him and did not try to initiate anything. Friday morning, H initiated ML, and it was wonderful. He initiated again on Friday night, which was wonderful as well. H also on multiple occasions made sexual comments to me (e.g., having "nooners" during lunch, etc.).
I'm still very sensitive to his phone. I feel like he purposely "hides" it from me so that I won't see if she contacts him. He doesn't physically hide it from me, and if I wanted to look at it, I certainly have multiple opportunities (but that is something I know that I definitely do NOT want to do - I know that I could potentially see something that would absolutely devastate me, and it's just not worth it). But it's more that when I'm with him he always kind of shelters his phone screen when it rings, if that makes sense. I may just be being overly sensitive, but it seems that way. Anyway, that was a bit hard these past few days, since we were together 24/7. But I hung in there.
Also, H sent me the first text message I think he ever has last night when he landed. He had left me a note under the covers of the bed in our hotel room telling me to have sweet dreams and thanking me for a good trip. It was so sweet of him to do that. I called and left him a voicemail message thanking him for the nice note. So he got in at about midnight and sent me a text message saying he had just landed and that I was welcome for the note and to have sweet dreams. I purposely did not reply, as I know that he learned how to do the whole text messaging thing from her, and it just is a sore spot and stabs my heart a bit... But I was very grateful for the nice message from him regardless. It's just hard.
So this morning we had a very motivational speaker talk at our business meeting. H and I have heard him before, and it brought back a lot of memories and emotions. When he finished speaking, I was feeling overwhelmed with emotions. I sent H the first text message I think I've ever sent him telling him that I had just heard this speaker and that I am so sorry for everything and that... I love him. I told him that he didn't need to reply but that it was just important for me to tell him that. My heart raced as I pushed the send button... I know I'm not supposed to say ILU, and I have not said it at all in this way since November. I have said it a few times when we've had our "discussions," but never in a out of the blue, non-discussion mode like this. It's hard to explain, but something moved me to do it, to act on what I was feeling and to reach for what I want so badly. So I took a leap of faith. I also made sure to tell him that I wasn't expecting a response, as this was something I did for ME, not because I wanted a response from him or wanted to pressure him at all or wanted to see if he would say it back. That was also the reason that I chose to send him a text message instead of calling or forwarding him a voicemail message. I was trying to be non-threatening and not pressure him. This way, he didn't have to respond at all and could even tell me that he didn't get the message or something. I honestly didn't really expect him to respond at all, but that was okay, as I did it for me - I really needed to say it. And I figured that for my first text message to him (at least I think it is) that I would make it a powerful one that would be memorable for me. That certainly was not the reason that I sent him the text message, but rather it just felt like the right way to let him know how I was feeling.
Well, he sent me a text message back in two minutes' time saying "Thank you. Love you, too. Sorry also. See you soon!" I went numb and had to leave the meeting as I burst into tears. He hasn't told me that he loves me since November either. I don't even know if he's said it in our "discussions." There is no way to know if he just said it because he thought he had to, but I pray that that is not the case.
He sent me another text message after he raced today telling me that he won all of his races and asking how the meeting was going. I told him, and he wrote me back saying he was eating lunch with his dad. I wrote back and told him to tell his dad hi and asked him about the weather there, as his mom had called me and left me a message saying it was really hot there today. Well, I sent him that message around 5 o'clock tonight, and he didn't reply, and he hasn't contacted me since... So now of course I fear he went to OW's house...
I go home tomorrow night, and H is picking me up at the airport. I am arriving fairly late. I suspect that H will probably stay the night with me but don't know for sure. I am dreading going home in a way because I will see whether he stayed at home the past two nights... I pray for the best.
I forgot to tell you that we also talked more while we were here about the business. H brought up getting an assistant again. He wanted me to put an ad out while we were HERE! I was so close to having "the talk" with him about my not wanting to do that until I was more certain that we were on the right track again, but I knew it wasn't the right time. So I skirted my way around it.
I'm not sure what to do now. I feel like I need to have that talk with him soon and get a gauge on where things are at. I feel like I've been extremely patient and understanding and have worked so hard at not bringing up any R talk. I'm still scared to do it for fear of blowing everything out of the water. My plan at this point is to keep things as-is for at least the next week or so and see what transpires, see if he is still coming home as frequently as he was and just see how we interact. I had scheduled another trip to Vegas by myself for next week, but I forgot that it is Father's Day, so I had to cancel. I am going to call tomorrow to see if I can reschedule for a different time within the next few weeks. I thought I would take a few days away and "go dark" again and just take some time to myself to regroup and think about things and give him a chance to do the same. Then maybe when I got back I would talk with him.
I plan on talking again with DB coach before having any sort of talk with him just to see what she thinks. I don't want to ruin everything I've accomplished. I was so scared to even send him that text message this morning, but I was pleasantly surprised by the result.
Whew... that's the update for now. Let me know what you guys think. This all just feels so strange. It's like he is getting closer and closer to being so much kinder and loving towards me and picking up so many of the things he used to do for/with me before, yet he is still sleeping with OW as well... I'm having such a hard time internalizing all of this and figuring out how to handle it...
