Straight Into the Storm

[Stigmata]

Choc-

Sympathetic two-hand shoulder squeeze to you, my good man. I was afraid the feelings you're feeling right now were gonna surface sooner or later, having BTDT. Blackfoot, burgbud, Heywyre, TTHO, FFW, thatguy et all can attest. They really suck. That hole in your stomach while you feel a snowballing lack of respect for Mrs. Choc building towards disgust.

Try not to lose that love you have deep down for her man, as shown in your posts. There is a good woman buried somewhere under all of that mess who is confused and more than scared, although her active conscience is not aware of this part of her just yet.

But the day will come.

The more she realizes what she will be losing as you methodically start taking your love and support away from her and compares it to what she will be gaining with OM the more that fear will start to awaken her.

NOPkins and the infidelity experts out there IRL are spot on. All cheaters lie. Even the most moral upright Christians who no one would ever suspect in a billion years would act with such willful deceit lie.

The chemicals drive her or him to risk literally everything for an OP who is sometimes a complete lost cause, like a drug addict, abusive monster, or, it seems more and more in the media these days, even to the point of a young high school or even junior high school and, yuck, grade school boy or girl.

I just shake my head at these sometimes gorgeous young teachers who have a great husband, house, and little ones who ruin their entire life and crush the lives of their families over the attentions of a 14, 15, 16 year old boy. Not to mention their own self-respect and reputations as they lose their good jobs, are shunned by friends and neighbors, and are even willing to risk being thrown in prison (twice in the case of Mary Jo Liturno).

Forget opiates. Forget nicotine. Forget alcohol. IMO these chemicals are microgram for microgram the single most (or collectively) powerful brain-altering chemicals in human existence.

Mrs. Choc has issues that are beyond you and try not to hate her for them. For some reason she needs the "buzz" of external validation to make her feel good about herself.

Age comments, tummy tucks, BMWs, belly shirts, associating with much younger people and wanting to fit in or at least relive some care-free days of youth. Denial.

That kind of behavior pretty much flags a person as having no real core identity in terms of self-esteem and inner directedness and inner guidance that comes from a place of being a secure-with-yourself person.

It's why I, like Cobra among others, pretty much don't believe in this whole "disease" BS proffered by some way more educated than myself "pros" as they describe that label "Mid Life Crisis."

Nuh uh. I might be "diagnosed" as having this MLC "disease" this very minute from the symptomatic behavior currently going on in my life but I find such fobbing off of my own responsibility on to some phony convenient illness to be an incredibly weak, foolish, passive, and disgusting reaction.

Boo hoo, I'm a victim. I'm a victim. Boo hoo.

No, I lost my purpose and path. My future as I once had envisioned it is now dust blowing in the wind. I have to build a new one now. Kinda like what Deida refers to in his writings. I firmly believe that OP who know EXACTLY what they want out of life and are on that "path" or passion, and refuse to let OP knock them off it, will never fall "victim" to a so-called MLC. They are certain and MLC=uncertainty.

Bringing this back round to Mrs. Choc. She probably has this same uncertainty.

It's probably what's causing her to lie to you and your family. She probably doesn't want to but the addict can't listen to self or others since there is no fixed, secure core of identity within her. She seems to have attached finding her own idenity through OM. And that's a recipe for disaster, as we already know.

You've both unwittingly frozen each other out emotionally for years and something had to give IMO. In a weird way it had to happen and one of you had to make the first move.

She did something to break the frost first unfortunately. I think it could have just as easily been you if perhaps you were less inclined in your faith in God, your sense of your own morality, and your inert, yet steady dimly burning love for Mrs. Choc.

Whatever the case, the life you two were leading: no kisses, no touching, no sex, no sitting next to each other, passing like ships? was unsustainable. Something big was going to hit the reset button and she found it. Whether she felt neglected by you and wanted to test you hard to get you to be jealous (which she even said bothered her about you) and unwittingly crossed the line or gave an opening to OM out of a self-loathing that you didn't feel her worthy enough to pursue.

Don't get me wrong, she is equally to blame. The high maintenance as you say, the dodging of your kisses when you would try, the not pursuing you for years as well to make you feel desirable. The terrible conflict avoidance so as not to address your R problems before they reached the A level.

And despite it all you've been a good dad and provider without finding the need to carry on with an OW for your "needs."

Don't give up hope just yet, Choc. You have a lot of years together and those brown eyes to carry on your heritage. Do take away what's enabling her to continue disrespecting your R and herself.

But don't forget that love we've seen from your posts.

There is an infidelity professional out there on the web. Not many of them even want to touch this stuff. But blackfoot pointed me to him way back when I first started posting and the Dr. has a lot of useful information. Not going to link out of respect for MWD but in my opinion infidelity is a real monster and very few professionals are willing to focus their entire careers on this single scariest R killer. Just Google "Dr. Huizenga". I have no ties nor do I back anything he says. It's just a useful reference on breaking free from how you're feeling and might help you understand what you're going through Choc.

Hang in There Brother. Hold tight. We said it was gonna be a rollercoaster and you're click-clacking slowly up another really big drop. If you can keep hold of yourself and your rage Mrs. Choc will one day see how you handled all of this with patience and realize what a man she had. Whether you work it out or whether you decide to let her go. Just try and be in the position to have both options for now.

In my own case, I think the best reaction I had in the whole thing was to say, "I accept the way you feel about me (not in love anymore), even if I don't understand it. But I'm not going to beg or plead. If you don't want me then I will find another F who thinks I'm worth keeping."

And I left a few weeks after the bomb. LFL is right. If my life weren't so tied down I would have left that very day. No way in hell could I live with a woman I still deeply loved who didn't want me around. Those weeks of coldness were enough to make my self-respect throttle me and kick my own azz to vanish and go dark, which I did.

And I think my recognizing her feelings without going into a rage is what caused her to test my waters 7 months later. I like to believe my reaction earned at least a little respect from her, which I'm pretty sure it did, judging from her attempts to engage me months later with a few terms of endearment.

But, like LG, you are the rare ones. I just read recently on MSN where 60% of the cheaters believe they are getting away with their infidelity and a whopping 94% of the ones being cheated on are unaware of their SO's affair. You've both managed to be in that rare 6% to find out in media res. A small victory but a victory in a position where everything feels like defeat.

Again, hang on to the rollercoaster lap bar. I'm glad you're staying and letting her be accountable for her own housing and bills. Inform her that no way in hell are you going to continue to subsidize her immature and immoral behavior.

It will be kinda hard for her to pay a $695 monthly car lease on $600 monthly income. And I'd wager OM already feels more than a little insecure you've proven yourself to be a better family provider than he is. I'm sure that sticks in his self-esteem craw nicely.

Ain't a whole lotta commissions or margins in the gym trainer biz, eh, choco? I think we call that bad verticality and limited scaleability IRL.

finally, as I like to say to OP IRL debating a major life change, and what I would say to Mrs. Choc if I had the chance:

"If you can't pay the fare, better damned well not take the ride."

-Stigmata-