I'm sorry to hear your situation has turned for the worse. Mine has as well, and our situations sound so similar. Ages of our girls, The BS our wives are telling us, etc. The only difference is my wife fell in love with a single man younger than her. (of course she says thats not the reason)
I don't think you and your wife are over yet, however until you GAL and start living your lifes puporse, she won't be able to see what she had. It's unfortunate that she has to go on this journey alone, but its something she is going to do. You will not be able to convince/reason/negotiate her out of it.
Do what's right for you right now. Make sure you and your girls are safe.
If you haven't read any David Deida books, I think you need to go out and get 'The Way of the Superior Man' today. You are at a transition point in your life, and its time you stepped up and started living your life again.
I have been at this since last Aug and I am dragging my heels on the filing/D thing. H is so hell bent on ending it - not even sure OW is even still in the picture. H is in MLC and wants zero help - just wants to be on his own. Someday when he wakes up he is going to realize the pain he caused me and his two beautiful children and by then I will have moved on. He's agreed to do a full separation to give himself a taste of what D will bring. It's hard swapping the kids - maybe it will prep me for the future. I have very little hope anymore just want to end the sadness.
Hang in there and give it your best fight - more and more states are going for even custody - find the best lawyer!! My H will give me full custody - hell he will do just about anything to end it... Such a sad state we are in hey?!
Me41 H44 * M16 yrs * D13 S10 8/06 H wants a D * 1/07 OW Truth 2/07 Searated * 7/07 H moved home First Thread Surviving Separation Now Piecing
Secondly, get back to the basics and start focusing on you. Maybe write down all you have to be thankful for (believe me there is still a LOT, starting with your health and the health and love of your 2 DDs!).
Finally, remember this: Your old M is dead. Look at the D papers as the official recognition of this fact. If there is to be a new, better R between you and your W or anyone else for that matter, you will have to first learn who you really are and to love that person unconditionally. If somehow post-D you and your W find yourselves back together, you can get a new M certificate to commemorate your new, better M!
Hang in there my friend, SD
Me 41 W 41 Kids: S9 S7 Married 16 years Bomb dropped 2/2/07 Still living together! current thread
Next, Thanks for the support. I am doing my best to GAL. Today I got 18 in and then spent the rest of the day with my girls. We went to a friends house this evening and my 5DD went with my friends wife and daughter to see some horses. My 5DD loves horses, she had a blast. I stayed back with 2DD and my friend to hangout and play. I have to say that today was a fun day despite the heaviness of what is going on in my M. Tomorrow night after work I am picking up my girls and bringing them with me while I play softball. My parents are going to come by and help with my kids. It will be fun for me and my DD's.
HB, my state is a state that claims that they do not give priorty to one parent or another for custody. The reason that I am down is that the lawyer that I saw did not give me much hope for getting primary custody. Seeing my girls play and being there for them when they need me brings great joy to me. Not having that on a regular basis really hurts to think about. Yes, it is a sad state that we are in. I never thought my W could be so selfish and self centered but those are the colors that are shining through in her rightnow.
My W did call this evening while I was on the way to my...actually our friends house to see how the girls where doing and mentioned that she missed them. Well she better get used to it because this is what she has decided on not me. She also called again to say good night to the girls and when she ended the conversation she I'll talk to later Scott. That was new, probably does not me anything but she normal just says bye and no real acknowledgement of me.
Hopefully tomorrow I can get an appointment with the lawyer that I want to go with. My mind is playing tricks on me thinking that maybe my wife has already meet with her and that is why I am having a hard time getting into see this lawyer. I hope that is not the case, though it could be. I was holding off seeing this lawyer because because by doing so I was admitting that this is going to gt ugly. Now I feel I have been pushed in this direction just to get the time with my girls that I and they deserve.
STBX just called and wanted to make sure that our plans for tonight are the same as we previously discussed. She then asked me about our hug the other night and then told me that is was the most ackward hug ever and that there is absolutely nothing there between the two of us. I told her I understood how she can feel that way since she checkedout of our relationship awhile ago. She then stated that she is having a hardtime with the fact that I am hanging out with our friends and that she will never be able to have any of those relationships again. She really had a hard time with the fact that her old girl friend was bringing our 5DD out and spending time with her.
She then asked if I told them anything. Yes I did, I told them that you filed for D. "Why, I told you that I wanted to keep this between the two of us, they do not need to know. They haven't supported me through this. They haven't told me that they love me no matter what." Well crazy STBX you lied to your friend and she has a hard time with that. That is why she doesn't call you anymore. How can I keep a D quiet? Not that I am telling the world but when people do not see you with me anymore they ask questions.
My W told me that she is trying to pickup the pieces from a failed M. I screwed up and laughed. I then told her no I am the one picking up the pieces from a shattered M. You choose this, not I. I have to deal with the fact that I am not going to be able to see my girls on a daily basis, not be able to tuck them in every night. These are the things that I need to pickup and deal with not you. You choose this, you have your new life planned. I need to deal with how to move forward not you.
I probably screwed up a bunch of times in that conversation, but who cares. What is she going to do D me? Everything is still all about her and her feelings. Well you destroyed two families I hope you can live with yourself. Selfishness, how do you get someone to see their selfishness?
My W just called to see if I would be willing to go to couseling with her tonight. She doesn't know if that she can get me in with her but the fact that she asked is a total 180 on her part. I might be going into this to get beaten up, but I have to be willing to try. This might be my wife's way of convincing me that it truely is over between us and just accepted it or maybe something else entirely. I really do not know.
My only advice is to prepare yourself for the worst. I have been totally beaten up in mc before. I think my h has thought of the C office as a safe place for him to be really mean to me. But, who knows?? You may be pleasantly surprised!
As for her comment about the hug, I don't buy it. She liked it more than she wants to admit.
My advice at counseling is if you go LISTEN and agree... no matter what insane thing she says. If she says the marriage sucked agree. If she says it's all your fault, say you're sorry she feels that way but you understand... or just stay quiet and listen. Don't say anything and expect a lot of anger and ugliness. You will be blamed for everything!!!! It's the only way she can validate what she has done and feel "good" about herself and her role in the affair. Don't fight it because then you are doing exactly what she wants... making it all easier for her.
By arguing or pushing your point you'll only make her more determined to be "against" you. When you give her space and stop fighting her... that's when she'll have nothing to fight against, no cause to fight, and will finally have to look inside herself and figure things out.
You have a lot of great advice here from others. Also, she cannot keep you from telling friends. In fact, your conversations with friends and others are your own personal business. If she asks change the subject, or tell her that your conversations with your friends are private. You have your own life now (say that in a non-mean positive way... like it's the beginning of your life!). And start being more positive about it. Even if you are bleeding out of every pore on your body and you just want to crawl under a rock and go to sleep for 30 years. Force positive thought, and be a great actor in front of her. When you are alone or here on this website... then you can feel sad and fall apart.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Wifes counselor hasn't gotten back to her yet, so my W is now saying to wait until next week so her counselor can be prepared. How much preparation does a counseler need to have?
Either way my wife started chatting me about her car payment and did I pay it(which I did not). She then mentioned that her counselor hasn't gotten back to her yet. I responded by asking if she just wanted me to plan on showing up and if her counslor thought it was a bad idea I would just go about the rest of my night and she could do her IC on her own. I was hoping that she would agree to this arangement but she did not. So no counseling tonight for the two of us. Maybe next week. I would be surprised if we do end up going together since she is dead set againest it. What is the point she always says.
Is there any hope? What would her motivation for MC have been? I really do not know.... Keeping my expectations at a minumum.
The fact that your wife commented on the hug means she still cares. Yeah she wants a D. Yeah she's confused. But then... Things turn around. It isn't over until you decide it's over. You are more in control than you think.
Get a life for yourself. Realize that you will probably have shared custody. The more you are OK, and having fun, the better off you will be, and however slim your chances, the "better" you are, the better the shot to save your marriage.
