In the practices of DB it seems like the best thing to do when my wife begins to spew, I need to let her know that her behavior towards me is unacceptable and that if that is how she chooses to communicate with me, then I will have to leave.
Right, if she is abusing YOU, and being disrespectful of YOU. "Spew" has lot's of different forms. Your reaction to it depends on the type of 'spew'
Quote:
On some level, she is seeing that she cannot push those buttons with me anymore and get the reaction that she expects, and perhaps wants. I believe that she is feeling her control over me by the use of words to be diminshing to the point that it isn't even worth it for her anymore to berate me, or go into a tirade. OK, so I'm feeling better about this.
Good. She needs to respect you. Let me say that a different way, and this is VERY important so READ it more than once. Ready?
"SHE really really has a very important need. That need is to RESPECT YOU. She WANTS to respect you because she will feel better when she does. She will feel safer, cared for and stable when she RESPECTS YOU. This is not a desire, it is a NEED"
Right now she doesn't respect you because you let her lose that respect over time. When she CAN respect you, she will start to calm down. And for course respect is earned or commanded.
Quote:
However, Deida's "The Way of the Superior Man" puts forth the idea to "stay with her intensity - to a point". I quote Deida; .... "One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax".
OK Frank, how can both of these apply simultaneously? Do you stand you ground and let her know you will not accept her "feminine emotions" or do you stand full and embrace it? Deida or Cunninham (MakingHerHappy.com) even suggest to get playful with this mood, sort of laugh or be silly through. Again, from Deida;
"The next time you notice yourself trying to fix your woman so that she will no longer __________(fill in the blank), relax and give her love by touching her and telling her that you love her when she is this way. Embrace her, or wrestle with her, or scream and yell for the heck of it, but make no effort to bring and end to that which pisses you off. Practice love instead of trying to bring and end to the quality that bothers you. You can't escape the tussle with the feminine"
There is a big difference between 'staying in her intensity / accepting her feminine emotions' and 'accepting her abuse'. If/ when she is 'spewing' about finances, her fears, her uncertainties and NOT abusing YOU personally and NOT showing YOU disrespect by framing it all as personal attacks against YOU, then you CAN 'stay in her intensity with her'.
What Deida is saying is 'smile and wave' and touch, comfort, listen - but don't FIX.
If you notice, Deida NEVER addresses the issues of 'abusiveness' because his writings are for couples who are somewhat sane, and for men who aren't dealing with MLC crazy women. It's day to day stuff.
Quote:
So Frank, aren't these two theories diametrically opposed to one another? The DB principles say stand up for yourself and let her know her behavior is unacceptable and must cease, while Deida is saying let it flow, embrace it, laugh it off because it isn't going to change and if you are waiting for it to, you are in for a let down.
Or, should the principle that you choose be based upon the situation? As you know, my wife is a WAW, done the "I'm not in love with you anymore" routine, is most likey full-onset MLC and we are living apart. Now if I could rewind our life a year or two, when she was in the "let's work this out" phase, should I have accepted Deida's concepts, because the woman he describes fits my wife perfectly, in my opinion?
You answered the question in the first paragraph with your statements in the second paragraph.
The theories are not 'opposing' they are 'complementary' because Deida's concepts are for dealing with pure emotion, with normal day to day interactions with a woman. DB's 'stand up for yourself' are for dealing with abusiveness.
So yes, you need to use BOTH, and know when to use them. And yes, when your W was in '"let's work this out" mode it would have been a benefit if you knew these things then. However, like me and the others here, you needed to REALLY get hammered hard in order to get the 'lesson'.
In summary: When she's spewing hurt, fear, anger abut her life and NOT blaming you for it, let her do it and say nothing (or use some of Deida's "disarming" tactics, like telling her she's beautiful when she's angry)
When she's spewing abuse at YOU, command respect. Period.
