More Growing and Healing

[DadNotQuitting]

Hello Frank! Hope all is well with you and your family.

I have a question regarding some conflicting schools of thought and I believe you may have the best insight.

In the practices of DB it seems like the best thing to do when my wife begins to spew, I need to let her know that her behavior towards me is unacceptable and that if that is how she chooses to communicate with me, then I will have to leave. I need to advise her that I am more than happy to discuss the matter with her in a constructive and pleasant manner. If she cannot comply with this, then I need to politely say good bye and leave or hang up the phone. And actually, that has been working for me. On some level, she is seeing that she cannot push those buttons with me anymore and get the reaction that she expects, and perhaps wants. I believe that she is feeling her control over me by the use of words to be diminshing to the point that it isn't even worth it for her anymore to berate me, or go into a tirade. OK, so I'm feeling better about this.

However, Deida's "The Way of the Superior Man" puts forth the idea to "stay with her intensity - to a point". I quote Deida;

"When a woman gets emotioanlly intense, a mediocre man wants to calm her down and discuss it, or leave and come back later when she is "sane". A superior man penetrates her mood with imperturbable love and unwavering consciousness. If she still refuses to live more fully in love, after a time, let her go"

"Basically, most men are afraid of, or disgusted by, feminine emotions. That's why you try to fix them or escape from them. "I'll come back later when you can act like a reasonable human being", you might say".

"One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax".


OK Frank, how can both of these apply simultaneously? Do you stand you ground and let her know you will not except her "feminine emotions" or do you stand full and embrace it? Deida or Cunninham (MakingHerHappy.com) even suggest to get playful with this mood, sort of laugh or be silly through. Again, from Deida;

"The next time you notice yourself trying to fix your woman so that she will no longer __________(fill in the blank), relax and give her love by touching her and telling her that you love her when she is this way. Embrace her, or wrestle with her, or scream and yell for the heck of it, but make no effort to bring and end to that which pisses you off. Practice love instead of trying to bring and end to the quality that bothers you. You can't escape the tussle with the feminine"

The above was from the first chapter, which is "Stop Hoping for Completion of Anything in Life", which essentially says that this stuff just doesn't end, so get used to it, embrace it and don't let it get to you.

So Frank, aren't these two theories diametrically opposed to one another? The DB principles say stand up for yourself and let her know her behavior is unacceptable and must cease, while Deida is saying let it flow, embrace it, laugh it off because it isn't going to change and if you are waiting for it to, you are in for a let down.

Or, should the principle that you choose be based upon the situation? As you know, my wife is a WAW, done the "I'm not in love with you anymore" routine, is most likey full-onset MLC and we are living apart. Now if I could rewind our life a year or two, when she was in the "let's work this out" phase, should I have accepted Deida's concepts, because the woman he describes fits my wife perfectly, in my opinion?

Lots to ponder, to be sure. But thank you for turning me onto the works of Deida and Cunninham, I'm getting quite a bit out of their writings.

DNQ