I am looking to solicit your expert advice on my next move regarding my sitch. I love my Separated Crew but I have been so touch and go on the BBs that I have lost readers. The 2 readers that still respond are great guys who have been with me from the beginning and have their opinions, however, I am just not sure Here is a link to my current thread Slow and Steady...but for those who want the condensed version, here is a quick run down:
Separated since 11/06, H wants freedom and needs to find his identity (I moved out, it was most practical). H confesses to having PTSD and tells me he is in counseling. A few months of on/off of my going dark and detaching. H says he thinks we were just in a rut before. H recently has been talking about "us" renting a house and "us" getting a dog. I am supporting his decision to rejoin the military and he talks about when "we" transfer and mentioned that he wanted me to not have to work and go to school. Friday before last we had sex for the first time in 9 months!
My lease expires at the end of July (H is aware of this, he found the place) and although I am getting really positive signs, there has been no definitive "come home" declaration from H...I don't know if I should venture to initiate a conversation with H about living arrangements post my lease expiration.
Please help and give advice...I will take all that I can get as I seem to be at a crossroads without a compass or Mapquest .
If your H doesn't blink or thrash about at hard questions (he's in the military, am hoping he has the gut for them), my first instinct would be to ask him outright...do you really want me to come home and make this work?
It's nice that he is making an effort to keeping things going (in most of the posts I have read thus far, it's usually the woman struggling to do that...of course, I could be wrong).
I think it's natural for you to feel uncertain, since he initiated the talks about separation.
My heart and mind tell me to wait a little longer, like maybe until the beginning of July. That way I have another solid month to keep the positive changes going w/out pressure. Not to mention that creates more time for H to bring the issue up on his own.
I know I shouldn't have expectations but given the sitch positives lately and my lease ending...the expectations for a direction (either getting my own place or moving home) are hard to squelch.
H is trying to keep things in tact but it seems like something is still holding him back. Either that or I am just dreaming in that I want him to miss me and want me home enough to simply ask.
about the place, plain and simple, bring it up. Say something to the fact that the lease is coming up and that you were wondering wheter you should renew it or moving out. Is he still going to C? taking meds? depression does keep many Hs from coming back.
Mostly you must be his friend and listening ear, my H would come to me and talk to me when he was at his worst (while still separated) and the fact that Iwas there and heard him out made him realize I truly cared for him. Would the C see you both for couples counceling?
just my 2c
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
H is still going to C but it is strictly for his PTSD. In the beginning I mentioned going but he said no...he has told me a lot but does not want me to know everything so I was fine with that. H was on some temporary meds, they were really strong and are only for severe anxiety bouts. He was on the meds (Lorazepam, I think is what it was) for about 2 weeks and slept well, had no anxiety attacks and didn't have nightmares.
Part of me feels it is inevitable that I will move back home but when it comes down to it...if I am this terrified about it and this is ALL that I have wanted since Nov., I cannot imagine his anxiety over it. My greatest worry is pushing us back because I feel we have come so far, but I feel it has only been really great for a month or so.
Usually he throws in a snippit about the future that is us oriented. I will wait for that and try to transition into a lease expiration talk. I have had a couple of chances but chickened out. Like the other day he said something about "the next place we rent." We were on the phone so I didn't say anything but that was a good place to say..."speaking of renting our next place, my lease is coming up and I was wondering if you wanted to start looking at houses to rent like you had mentioned." Something like that...keep me in your thoughts, I may not do it tonight (we are going to the movies) but I am shooting for end of June/ beginning of July.
I have a question for those who were separated previously... Did you go into this phase of feeling like you did in the beginning?
The past two days I have been weepy, depressed and super anxious! Much of how I am feeling these past few days is exactly how I felt when we first separated. It is odd because for MONTHS I have been great!!! Maybe I was getting too comfortable with the thought of an inevitable reconciliation and now...I'm not so sure.
Whatever the reason is, I hate it and wanted to know if anyone else feels/felt this way. I am even reading the DR book from the beginning because I feel like I am so confused and jumbled that I need to start with a beginner's mind.
Can anybody relate to this or share with me their experience?
I guess it could be that a) you are just having a bad day or b) the limbo is getting to you.
After being separated from my H for months, coming to terms with it, and by all appearances dealing with it very well (no more crying at work, no more crying at home every day, waking up calm) I started to become unglued. Depressing thoughts came into my head "i'm getting so old" or "when I die who's going to care", I mean, real downer thoughts so very unlike me, I was fearful of growing old and dying!
My C would tell me that it was because the limbo was affecting me and that the pressure of unknown was just coming out of me in unhealthy thoughts. It happens.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Hi Cat! That makes me feel better and I think I am over my really low places for a while. However, I seem to get much more emotional much more easily this past week. I think it is due to the lease talk I plan to have with H after dinner on Friday...everything is heightened and I am super sensitive.
Things are making me nervous about even doing the talk...or maybe I am looking for an excuse to NOT do it. I know, I know that is stupid huh?!?! H said last night he thinks he had bad salmon and then this AM says his stomach still hurts...is he setting up a way to get out of dinner because he knows that I wanna talk, is he really sick from undercooked salmon, am I super paranoid and just a silly woman who needs to chill???
Anyway, keep me in your thoughts on Friday evening. I am already starting the frequect bathroom trips and loss of appetite because of my nerves. All this build up to equal a simple yes or no answer from H...ain't love grand
Here is a link to my current thread 
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