Oh Dear. Now I'm on a new part of the Piecing Rollercoaster - the one where I give up trying. I tell H straight that i'd like more affection and i still get ignored.
So I've given up. I've told him I've given up. He asked me to tell him things straight, I did and it still has no effect.
So I've given up. If H wants this M to work then i have asked for what I want. There are a lot of things I can let go but show stoppers for me are:
1. I want hugs and kisses 2. I want to be told ILY 3. I want to ML
I am not getting a lot of these. It's up to H now. I've given up trying. If he just can't do this I will walk. I cannot live like brother and sister for the rest of my life.
I'm fed up pandering to HIS ML, to HIS depression, to HIS needs. I'm not bitter, I'm just detaching. He can take care of himself right now. I've asked for what I want, if he isn't going to give me this then I'm off. He has roughly until the end of September to make at least a couple of baby steps. After that then I'm afraid it will be too late for him. Part of me wants to go now but I've been though the bomb and I know enough now to give people a bit of time.
You know, I think this is the biggest danger area when piecing. We are pouring our heart and soul into this. While our W/H seems to just sit back and take it all in. I have been honestly struggling with my feelings and thoughts regarding how much do I have to give without any expectation of a return?
I wish I had some words of encouragement, some insight. I don't. I think the key lies in what you posted regarding detaching. I know from my experience, when I my mindset is, 'I don't care what she is doing, I'm doing this for me' everything is so much easier. My PMA is unstoppable, I enjoy my day and I can "thought stop" anything that tries to creep in.
However, when I begin to think about us, what she is giving or not giving, my needs that aren't being met.., that's when I just want to run, not walk, to my attorney and tell him to fire off the paperwork sooner rather than later. I want to get out of this and find someone that will actually be in to me, dig having me around and enjoy doing things with me.
For me, I think about my kids. Realize that before I met W, I was happy, did outdoorsy stuff almost non-stop, spent my weekend nights dancing, checking out live music and having a blast.
What would be different now compared to then? My weekend days would be spent having a blast with my kids. Which, in retrospect, is how I spent my life before W. The weekend days I would take nieces, nephews and little cousins rollerskating, skateboarding, bike riding or any of a hundred other things you can do.
Not once during that time did I grieve the 'lack' presented by her inattention. Shoot, I didn't even know her! LOL. I try to take that approach now. I do all those things. Yes, I abso-frikkin-lutely would love for her to come along. That would be my perfect world preference. Yet only I can control the amount of pain her nonparticapation can inflict on me. I would prefer that she touch me, hang out with me, go do things with me, it doesn't happen even though that is my preference. It can only hurt me when I allow myself to substitute the word NEED for PREFERENCE.
She can't hurt me any more. I prefer her, but I don't need her. Like you Jen, I told her what I want, she knows. I won't repeat it. I haven't heard the words, I love you, from her mouth in all of 2007. It only hurts when I think I need that. I don't. I'd prefer to hear it from her, yet I do hear it from my kids, other family and friends.
I know you know my point by now. You've been doing this longer than I. As a matter of fact, I've printed out numerous posts by you to read while commuting.
Detach, detach, detach. It only hurts you when you need it. When its a preference, like a chocolate bar or milkshake, if I can't have it right now, it won't kill me, I can live without it and it will just make it that much better when I do finally get to have it.
