Well, JustD, I just had one of those talks with H that leaves me in pain but understanding our future more. He told me today that his feelings haven't changed since January when he walked out, and that he doesn't love me, doesn't want to consider any future with me, and doesn't want to be legally married, and if we had the money, he would have been divorced by now.
I think I have the answer for why your relationship with DH is so different from mine. I have been hoping that things betw. H&me have changed, or would change, and that this DBing would work. I don't have any hopes like that today. H has said he won't file any paperwork before the end of the year. I know, though, that he isn't going to do a lot to try to resurrect anything between us. He's going to IC for his own self -- and that I'm glad about -- and so there's a remote possibility that someday he might come to another place, but right now, I think I have to start giving up hope.
I can't believe I'm writing this. I can't believe this is happening! I think I wanted so much to believe that all that Michele has written - as well as all the others I have read - was right: that I could make a difference by changing even if he doesn't want it. I know that there might be more to do in terms of LRT and such, but I have no real hope today that any of that will work.
CRAP! I asked H to consider he wait for any filing until I get a full-time job (a long process when it involves getting a job in academia). He said he'd consider it but he wasn't necessarily agreeing (said that is one more way I'm trying to control things).
And yet, despite how harsh he sounds in this post, we talked for almost two hours and he wasn't all mean or combative. In fact, he was as courteous and trying to help me not hurt as always. He takes on so much of the blame for our marriage not working, and he says that what he's doing is selfish but the first thing he has done for his own needs. How can I argue with that?
Boy, is this day a washout compared to yesterday. I just knew it would be this morning. And although I know that talking R doesn't always mean what he says is what he means, I have to give him the respect that he means alot of what he's saying.
