I agree that she is acting like an addict, absolutely.
Confrontation and exposure is the not the only way to go, but if you want to use that strategy to try to save your M, that is one way to go.
But, whether or not some recommend it, I think that continuting to involve your Ds in the marital issues between you and W, whether they involve OM or otherwise, is very damaging to them, even if they are 18 and 20. Simple exposure is one thing. Repeated exposure and discussion is just not fair to them. It is TRAUMATIC. Don't put them in the position of having to take sides to love their father properly.
But, anyway, one point I was trying to make is that you are contradicting yourself -- you say you are throwing in the towel, that you do not want to save your M. In that case, the confrontation and exposure with respect to the in-laws and/or OM's parents are at best pointless, at worst merely vindictive.
If in fact you are still trying to save your M, then own that and quit saying you are throwing in the towel. You really aren't. So, get a grip, don't lapse back into the "don't give a sh*t" excuse to cover your behavior. Keep trying until you are Done with a capital D. When you get to that point, there will unmistakable peace and clarity, along with relief, and no drama about it.
In the meantime, there is still a lot of potential for things working out for your M. And, there is even more potential for you to come out the other side much better than you dreamed possible, no matter what happens. Keep the focus on YOU, treating yourself well, enforcing your boundaries, respecting yourself, getting happy on your own. I certainly understand if part of this is setting a boundary when it comes to participating in maintaining appearances to keep W and OM comfy. Expose and confront if you must, but keep it simple and direct. You don't need ongoing drama and fanfare around it. It is not the problem in your M, it ending will not fix your M, you cannot control it, only yourself. So, focus on YOU.
I know it is hard right now, but the Choc of a couple of days ago was really sounding great. I think you'll see him again pretty darn soon too.
