I'm in a rush right now, but I'll be back to reply to your posts. Here's some big news though:
The ow Remeet!
I just "re-met" PoorThing (my new name for H's gf/ow). D10 had forgotten some things here and came by to get them. I asked if ow was with them, and after some hesitation, she said yes.
Well, lucky for me, my hair was actually looking really good! I put on some powder and lipstick - to look good, but not like I'd made a big effort - and quickly threw on a cute, tight white tee and well-cut jeans.
I went out and knocked on the car window, and she opened the door. I said I wanted to meet her b/c we hadn't really had a chance to. She got out of the car, and I kept a big smile plastered on my face, asked her about her son, etc. H got out of the car, too, don't know why - didn't say anything. Probably to make sure I didn't tell her anything about him, lol!
So here is the upshot:
She is attractive, but not nearly as pretty as I originally thought. She is curvier than me, not as slim as I originally thought, w/ bigger boobs. This makes me feel a bit bad b/c H was always attracted to women like that, but it's not like there is anything I can do about being slender. And I am a B-cup, so I have something, lol! (Shut up, you big boobed ladies!)
She seemed friendly, but a little intimidated. I probably would be too, though, meeting the ex who had all those years w/ my bf. She didn't strike me as particularly scintillating or bright, and she has a smoker's voice.
So, she's attractive, she's got the kind of body I know H would like. I actually think I'm prettier, though. And I'm certainly of a higher quality. I mean, there's a lot you can tell on a first meeting, and she's not especially bright or interesting, certainly not someone I'd choose to spend my time with. Don't know why H is choosing to. What I do know is that any of his friends/family who know me will not be impressed!
And I'm not just being bitchy. Those of you who know me, know that I was well prepared to think she was fabulous. But she's not. It's liberating, but strangely disappointing - this is who he's choosing over me? I don't get it.
So that's it - gotta go and finish grading - grades due tomorrow!! Can you day "procrastination" lol!
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
but strangely disappointing - this is who he's choosing over me? I don't get it.
Nicola I can totally connect with this. The day I found out about orig OW that H was with when he left he told me that all he ever wanted was a beautiful woman on his arm. He also said that I must be the only woman in our city that did not find him attractive! I never met that OW but the one he is now living with and engaged to is a lot bigger than I ever was even before the MLC diet, has worse acne than me, etc etc. So my question is also why?
When I asked H this ages ago he said it was b/c she was just like him. I recently read a very good post about the Hs projecting themselves on OW and only seeing themselves in OW and that really hit me square on. I'm not doing a very good job at explaining this but I think our Hs are with these women b/c they know they are currently the pits and so that is what they are looking for in a new partner!
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
Allison, I couldn't have described the ow and why the mlcers gravitate to them any better than you did.
Nicola, You are far and above in class, style and dignity over that ow. Don't allow thoughts of her to sway your thinking. You are doing great.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you Alison and Snodderly. Snodderly, thanks for the nice compliment; I needed it.
It makes sense that he would choose someone "less than" me, so that he can feel good about himself when he's with her. She probably looks up to him and thinks he's great.
OTOH, if my H married "up" the first time (and I think he did), why would he not still want to be with me, when I've made it clear, even as recently as when I found out about this ow in March, that I would try again? It just doesn't make sense to me.
And now we are going to be divorced. And for what? So he can spend the rest of his life with her? I doubt it. I think he'll keep going from woman to woman to woman, searching for what he could have had with me, had he just had the character and integrity to try.
Darn! Just when I think I'm letting go, I get caught up in this again.
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
OTOH, if my H married "up" the first time (and I think he did), why would he not still want to be with me, when I've made it clear, even as recently as when I found out about this ow in March, that I would try again? It just doesn't make sense to me.
Could it be he's ashamed and doesn't think he deserves you? Granted right now he soesn't, but in his own he if he sees himself as not worthy, why would he try? I think for men in particular their shame gets in the way. Just my 2 cents.
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Darn! Just when I think I'm letting go, I get caught up in this again.
Isn't this sad,. I'll go for days doing great and then BAM! HUGS to you today.
nicola, Grace is dead on. He does not consider himself worthy of you. He sees himself as a failure and the most loving thing that he can imagine to do for you is cut the line, for him to sink and you to swim.
Always and Lissie beat me over the head with this practically daily: TMWDM D'd me to do a good thing.
Sounds absurd, but we don't have to go too far to point to all the absurd things they think and do.
In his mind, it is not a comparison between you and her, Sugar. It is a comparison between you and him. He is not good enough for you. She is simply the drug he has found to madicate himself with little or no side effects.
In the days after my H dropped the bomb, I was reeling of course, and had not found my way to this site, knew nothing about MLC, and so was doing all the un-DB things. I wrote my H a letter in which I poured out my heart and soul, about how I couldn't understand what he was doing and feeling because I believed that I had done everything humanly possible to devote myself to him and our marriage. I went on for over a page about the things that I had done in the marriage, demonstrating how I had tried to be a good wife, stepmother, homemaker, partner, lover. In the end, I said, "but apparently, in some way that is intolerable to you, but completely lost on me, I have failed you. I am sorry that I am such a failure, and I beg your forgiveness." I went on to say that if he couldn't find it in his heart to stay in our marriage, to please be honest with me and end it, cut me loose, and perhaps some day, I would find someone who could love me in the way that I believe I deserve to be loved.
I will never forget how he cried when he read it.
Bad DB, I now know.
But beyond that, nic, he did exactly what I asked. But not for the reason that I asked it. I now understand HE was the one who felt like the failure, and my listing all my uber-wife qualities just reaffirmed for him that he didn't deserve me, and the best thing he could do was set me free, to spare me one more day spent with him.
I have some conflicted feelings about your H, and I think he's not that great a guy. But I do believe that he doesn't think he's that great a guy either. And I know that he knows you are way better than he deserves.
What's important to me though, is not really what he thinks. I want YOU to finally see that YOU are way better than he deserves too.
Annie, An excellent posting! You've hit the nail squarely on the head. These guys feel like they can never live up to us and our expectations while in crisis, therefore, they go out and find some two bit woman or man who is in same boat and will validate and reaffirm what they are feeling and that's when the stars light up. These people are just so far down in the dumps on themselves that they feel that they have to cut us loose so that we can find someone better than they are not realizing, that if they were to seek assistance, they could be okay. Deep down, they know they are screwed up and think that they have failed us miserably. Once they've crossed over the line and had an affair, they feel even worse. So, it's not you or any of the posters here, it's about how they feel about themselves and how they go about dealing with their warped realities.
Nicola, go back and re-read Annie's posting to you. She's very clear on what is going on and I'm right there beside her--you deserve far better than what your h has dished out. You deserve better in this world.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Annie - truer words have never been written. Snodderly followed-up excellently.
Part of me also thinks (at least in my case), that the "meanness" comes from wanting to be hated, and to make it easier. But also contradicted with the anger that comes from you being so independent (b/c that makes them feel small and unneeded).
It's a viscious circle...one that we can't keep looping around.
These last few posts have facilitated/or brought to fruition, a healing for me. Annie, you are an amazing woman who is doing God's work. You have shared your faith on these boards and it has not fallen on 'deaf ears.' Snodderly, your patience, kindness and willingness to support for so long is a wonderful legacy. I thank both you women.
Part of my healing is about ex. But your posts have also helped me to try to understand my S18's pain and his father's. I have searched my heart and soul trying to help my son. He is angry because he has been hurt....so has his father and he remains angry. I will begin to pray harder for their healing. My forgiveness is imperative. I think realizing that our ex's have failed us in some way helped me to see that they need our prayers to heal...I don't think my first husband has been able to find his footing or solid ground so that he can be anything for anybody else.
This is a little off the topic of this thread...but I did want to share how your words have touched my life.
