W is nuts, and I need to detach......

[~Sol]

My C is booked until mid June - so I have until then to read up on lots of stuff.

[Aud31]

Sol, I just want to address this statement:

all the advice given is precisely what I should do. But before I can do that, my W needs to respect the boundaries I have given her.....or else all I do is in vain.

This is not necessarily true. Of course your W needs to make some drastic changes. When it comes down to it, (and I realize I don't know every detail of your sitch) true autonomy is choosing your actions entirely on your own--regardless of whether she decides to meet your demands or not.

You need to follow the advice you're receiving REGARDLESS of W's choices/actions. It's all for you! Certainly, if she doesn't meet your demands, you have the choice to do as you feel best, but don't hold off on doing the self-improvement you know you need and blame it on her refusal to budge. No one is telling you to go against your true self. Just trying to help you find it.

No part of your experience is in vain if you become a better person for it. That has nothing to do with W. She's an easy excuse, but ultimately it's all up to you.

((hugs))

[*KS*Chick*]

How you doing Sol?

[AmyC]

My wife is a nut I need to detach.

.
My wife said I was no good, but she could not say why
She was leaving tonight to be with some other guy
She said she’s unhappy and I made her so.
I asked her how I did this and she didn’t know

My wife is a nut and I need to detach
She left me tonight and the door I did latch
She is unhappy and her heads in a fog
But I’m doing just fine watching T.V with my dog.

In the morning I’ll pack up all of her stuff
I’ll pack it up in the back of my old pick up truck
I’ll drive across town to the other man’s house
On his driveway I’ll dump it (Ever her really nice blouse)

As I leave I’ll be smiling and looking at him.
The chances he’ll be happy are pretty slim.
She will now be there twenty four seven.
He’s going to wonder what happened to his little heaven.


My wife is a nut and I need to detach
She left me tonight and the door I did latch
She is unhappy and her heads in a fog
But I’m doing just fine watching T.V with my dog.


After a while I know she’ll be back.
The Om will kick her out of his sack
The OM will wise up
And wonder what went through his head.
He’ll wake up one morning and kick her out of bed.
On my door she will have to knock
Because when she was gone I did change the lock.

She will want to come back but I’ll say I don’t now why
You made unhappy and that is no lie.
We could have talked and worked these things out.
But you had to leave for him and that is no doubt.


My wife is a nut and I need to detach
She left me tonight and the door I did latch
She is unhappy and her heads in a fog
But I’m doing just fine watching T.V with my dog.

If I let you back you’ll promise one thing.
You will keep those vows that came with that ring.
And when you are unhappy to me you’ll come talk
And together we will converse and go for a walk.

Together we can come over this thing
We’ll start a new life, really start living
So we kissed and we hugged and I went to my car.
And I hid the phone numbers I got at the bar.


H

OMG.

THAT is heartbreaking.
And hysterical.

Who KNEW such talent was on this board!?

[Dr LOve]

Amyc

Please tell me your sitch has improved. (A member since 2005?)

I don'tthink I have the energy to do this another 2 yrs

husband

[~Sol]

How you doing Sol?

Just fine.

Going through that country song by H, but I haven't gotten to the last 2 verses yet.....don't know if I am. But it is so true that she needs (and I need) to promise those vows that came with that ring.

I don't feel much like posting these days.....I don't want to get any hopes up, but I do want to keep working on me.

No part of your experience is in vain if you become a better person for it.

Thank you for that Aud.

[~Sol]

Update.


W is still nuts. She wants to go on a vacation - with bills that are past due again!!! AND.....she is making me pay her back for her paying one of my bills (car payment)......with both our names on it. I am only giving her half.


I am separating everything on paper now.

Other than that, I am doing OK, getting un-enmeshed....and keeping my sanity by going to MC - W is invited to come with me...but she won't. I'm sure the PhD psychologist I got will find that interesting.

[~Sol]

W said over an argument about bills that she had over 20 people she slept with at her job.....and the reason she had her affair was that I never satisfied her sexually....I told her we needed to go to counseling, I made an appt, and she said she will never go to any counseling.....

So what has changed? Nothing.

Except that I am working on myself, standing my ground about our financial responsibilities, and marriage counseling and parenting...but it seems she is unwilling to put 100% into the M.

I said it before, it is dead. There is no "relationship" anymore - not in the loving sense of the word. It is still hostile, and I just wanted to talk about the money she took from my client that needed to go to pay some late bills....what's so hard to understand about that?

I hate to say this, but I was not detached this morning with her - not when she exaggerated about sleeping around that I don't satisfy her.....she's back with that old fight......but it hurts to hear it that she has all this resentment towards me still....

This is not a marriage. Now she is continuing on like normal as if she controls this R. She threatened me again with child support if I file. Well, that's for the courts to decide, right?

I left for a while when she got into a rage (about my asking about the bills).....and I came back to get my daughter so we can spend the day away from the house and from her.

[oldtimer]

Why do you think she exaggerated? Compulsive infidelity may be the reason she cannot face MC or C for herself.

[~Sol]

I just think she exaggerated about 20 guys. I think it was more than one, at least 2.

Anyway, I told her that her refusal to go to MC is a warning sign to me that she will go on to another affair, and another, and therapy is one of the solutions to help us. Her not wanting to go is a big red flag to me.

This morning she flaunted that she she slept with other guys since I did not satisfy her sexually. This statement rings "PA" to me.....and one of the issues at hand....but its not the REAL one. She said that she "just fell in love" and that she couldn't help it.

Wonderful news from her, isn't it?