I have been trying to post for days now and I dunno where the time went... I have been keeping really busy with work and also with getting my house in real order. Also some time to just spend with the kids and just have fun and relax. I rarely if ever do that I mostly always try to keep busy.
I feel more progress and I feel more sense of stability coming. I am stronger than I have ever been in years and I am really ppoud of that. I am also stronger in my personal relationships! My good friend in Florida told me I finally grew a set!!!!! Thank God it is only a figure of speech!!!
I am feeling very grateful lately and very Happy and also very "lucky". I have many blessings and I am so Happy at what has transprired this past year,,,, I was left for dead and did I lay there and just die? Sure for a bit but then I got my ass in gear and left no stone unturned and cleared out most of the garbage that did me no good. It is real hard to put your pride aside and see you for who you really are. yes I had alot of great qualities and I wasx, y and z!
BUT,, I was not who I am today and I did need to work on a new stronger woman. I needed to love myself for me and , take care of me. I only wanted sometimes to cry myself to sleep, but then I would focus on the beauty that life has for us. I would pray so much too.I could not pretend the sky was not still blue and my kids were still here. Yeah the pain was OOOOOOH indescribable. Even ~ Now ~ I can cry and I can feel so much.
It was dificult to say the least and now it has taken me everything to get to where I am today.I have been married to this man for ten and a half years and yet when he told me today he loved me by the 3rd time I was in tears! Tears of joy but tears none the less. I dunno how to explain all these emotions. He told me he loved me 5 times today.. I dunno but I think that is a record for him!!!!!
I was looking at my youngest CHILD today and I teared up just thinking how this could have been so different. Last year when I talked to him it was like talking to a door or a wall. No emotion, no beauty in his eyes and no life behind them either. I do see the part I played in this and how much pain I must have put him thru for him to walk away,, and how he was defensive and afraid to come back fully to me like he has in the past 2 months , more and more. He was maybe even more scared than me?
Hard to believe but I think this is the case,, these last 2 months have not been without little bumps but they have been awesome and full of growth.
...... He is changing and that is for sure. he is finally giving me himself. I have waited ten years for this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am not kidding,,,, he is just who I fell in love with,, his love is freer, he is more open and respectful and very loving. there is just a tenderness and a vulnerability that was never there before. I feel we are very blessed and I feel so sad that we could have not enjoyed this sooner.
He always tried to tell me to show him my love not tell him. For years and I never got it~
~ never 'til he was ready to say goodbye.
He called yesterday for me to do him a favor and I said " HEY YOU COULDA CALLED TO SAY ILY OR I MISS YOU.." AND HE REPLIED " you know ~I DO~" I started to get choked up and had to let him go. Like I said .... this is good. To me those words are better than anything in the world........I wonder if he feels blessed too? I feel so grateful that I have been blessed..
* This Fathers day will mark the day I found out about her.... Over and done with but for some reason the dates still haunt me some. I do make it thru most days w/o thinking of her but these next few weeks will still be bittersweet for me underneath it all. I cannot pretend it never happened.
I can just have the courage to smile and know that all the tears and pain and really hard work are behind me now and now I need to remember to continue to grow and love the best way I know how,,, I cannot control him,, I can only control myself. Keep loving and growing and give myself w/o fear. Harder than it sounds,, but I will keep doing it. God bless....
