I've never had a thread on the MLC Forum. When my husband and I first separated (about 2 and a half years ago) I posted on Infidelity because I couldn't bear the thought of going through the pain I was feeling for years - and that's what I perceived I would be sentencing myself to if I posted on MLC - or indeed if I admitted to myself that my H was in MLC.
I/we went through the usual pain of separation and divorce. We separated in November 2004, we divorced in July 2006. While I was going through it, I was such a good little DBer (I thought) and put up with way more than I should have.
I allowed myself to be put in the position of living in the family home and continuing to be the primary parent of my two steps sons, even though their biological mother lived 2 suburbs away and xH was living with his new lover about 1km away. We eventually got divorced, because his new partner set a date for their wedding, and he finally told me we had to rush through the divorce - which I did, and he was 'fortunate' enough to get the divorce decree on the day he got married. Nice .... I wonder if that's a world record - I wonder if it's legal?
Anyway, to cut a long story short. I am finally convinced that he has suffered a very nasty mid life crisis, because last week, he called me, after nearly a year of a pretty angry silence between us - to tell me he loves me, he can't remember how this happened, he is miserable and he doesn't know what happened during the past 2 years - he doesn't want to be married to his new wife - he can't believe this has happened between us because we were soooo good together - and is there any way we could turn the clock back and reconcile.
I just about fell off my chair, first from shock and then from hysterical laughter - told him I had a meeting to go to and that I'd call him back in a few days.
I'm very angry. Now, two years later, I've only recently sincerely 'let go' of him and what we had. I've only recently become grateful to him and her for all that I've had the opportunity to learn through this worst experience of my life. I've only recently started envisaging a wonderful future for myself made of my own dreams and my own plans. And he's 'woken up'. Puh - leezzz.
If this is not evidence of the MLC left to run it's course, I don't know what is.
He said in our brief conversation that he couldn't believe I didn't 'fight' for the marriage!!!! HELLO - were we in the same relationship ????? He can't remember it. He honestly doesn't know what happened.
I don't know what I'll do - and I think in all honesty it's just too late for me,but I wanted to post it here because despite all the doubt and seeming evidence to the contrary - it's true. If we leave them alone, and get on with our own life, they wake up and wonder what happened. He has!! It's unbelievable. I shouldn't be surprised, because everything I've read and heard tells me this is one possible outcome, but I didn't think he'd be in that category.
I knew he had all the MLC "symptoms & triggers" - but I still didn't really believe he was in a depth of crisis that you'd have to be to make the decisions that he made.
So - there we have it folks. Didn't matter where I posted, or what I classified him as - MLC or WAS ... seems the outcome, depending on how we handle it, is often the same.
I'll give him a ring tommorrow and suggest he and his wife get some counselling .....
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
Some question the existence of mlc. I have moments too.
If you believe in it, and read about it, they say the MLCer doesn't come back till you let go. Trying to make yourself let go in hopes they return does not work. Like bad karma. They really don't seem to return until you truly let go, no matter the length of time.
So why aren't more accepted back in the end? Duh! The time span, the toll it takes on the sane one, the simple odds of it all. Ok, he pushed it too far over the edge for most folks. The D. A new M. He closed a lot of doors.
So now the questions.
Do you believe?
And you don't want to bust up even the worst M. But what if the get C and one of them concludes they weren't meant to be ... and your phone keeps ringing? What if he weren't M, and I don't think he will be for long now no matter what you do. He certainly won't be Happily M.
Could you see yourself ever C with him and work through what has happened? Maybe I feel like some of these answers are impossible to separate from your answer to the first question.
Anyway, what I really hope you will do is update this thread over coming weeks or months and continue the saga of what happens when they wake up too late. For those that are not so far down the road as you, and are still new at this ... you may provide very useful possibilities.
Perhaps some of their MLCers won't file, and this will give them reasonable hope to continue their stand. Having been there yourself, you know the value of the support found here. You came through it a survivor in your own way and are now glad to have it behind you. You remember those days that so many here are still in the midst of.
Just saying you may find some way to continue making this a positive for those "standing" in the wings.
Thank you for the post. Your story is so ironic. I am fairly new to this and am trying really hard to just let go of him. It is hard because of our three kids. I would love to just drop contact with him but even if I do not call him he calls me at least 2 or more times a day.
It is hard to just let go of that.
Thank you and keep posting here. I would love to hear the outcome.
Mimi
Bomb 3/31/2007 Moved out 04/22/2007 Moved back in 06/11/2007 Wants to stay and try 09/04/2007
Virginia, I've followed your postings since the day you began to post. You've always had it together and I'm happy that you've gone on w/your life and have discovered that there is life after divorce. You've remained a very positive person throughout it all and managed to find a way to raise your stepchildren and keep your eye on what was important for you. You have been an inspiration to all who have read your postings and will continue to do so.
I'm very grateful for your coming here and posting your update. Yes, they tend to forget a lot of what transpired during their crisis days. I'm only sorry it took him so long to wake up and realize that you were very much the love of his life and the fact that you both were "good" together. He's lost a lot and it's going to take him some to understand that he may not ever get it back.
I understand how you feel, i.e., the anger, etc., because you finally moved on w/your life and here he comes crashing and wanting to reconcile. You've made a new life for yourself and now this. It's true, the lbs ultimately has the final say in whether they reconcile or not.
Definitely encourage the counseling to him and his new wife. Although I don't I don't see them staying together very long now that he's finally awake and seeing the damage he's left behind.
Virginia, you have a wonderful life ahead of you. You have so much to offer the world and I do hope that you'll continue posting. Again, thank you.
D on the same day as the M. YOWZA and I thought Puffy was nutty.
I understand your anger. I also understand that your grace will cancel that anger out in the long run.
You raised your step sons, if that didn't scream to him that you were the one that was standing, and trying, well, it is just sad.
I love that we the LBS make, the ultimate decision. It is a gift, after all the uncertainty and pain we have been given. It is the ultimate prize and perk from God.
I felt and instant small pain in my heart, when i read this, for your XH.
Virginia, when you post, I always go to visit. I would love to know how you are doing. Not b/c of your XH. Just b/c of you.
You have given me a beautiful hope this morning, not of Puffy returning, but of calm and peace.
Thank you
“Pray as though everything depended on God. Work as though everything depended on you.”
WOW! I am new to here in the general time frame of things.....last august. In the very beginning i told H i wouldnt fight and he cried about that. in actuality i have fought but am trying to let go ...but your story is amazing and uplifting that we will be OK. But once again I hear more verbiage that concludes MLC
Me 53 H 51 OW 25 Bomb may 06 left june 8/ 06 ILYBNILWY (twice!) 7/6/07 H wants to come home 7/21/07 H comes home 7/07 -7/08 long haul letting go of OW now piecing in earnest
