I know we have got to be unique. I know this can't be normal. He won't come home because he says he has no feelings for me. That he lost that a long time ago during my depression when he felt I abandoned him.

I describe us as this solid foundation that has a whole bunch of crap on top, so you can't see it. Every now and then we'll clear some away, but it falls right back in again. He describes it as a sand timer. He's just not sure if the sand has run completely out of the glass.

He says his main concern is the boys. So I think if he comes home, it will be because of them. Or maybe that's why he stayed and eventually had to leave. He said I'm oppressive and kept him on leash.

I had put on a lot of weight and then lost most of it. I looked so much better, but still I wasn't comfortable. (He never knew.) I gained some back, but started going out with friends and he even thanked them saying "thank you for giving me back my wife"... but the more weight I gained, the further into depression I went and he lost me again... I lost me again. It's all very heartbreaking to me.

Okay, so do I tell you I do his laundry. I also make most of his lunches during the week. I have offered to do all these things... he has not insisted.

There have been several times over the past 2 years when he has said "welcome back... it's good to see you smiling again". HE said that several times. So I said does that mean you want me back and he said yes. WTF happened to all that????!!!! I think it's seriously MLC. He hates his job, but keeps it because it's a big name company. He says he hates going into the building because that's where the EA started. He hates going in to a conference room or the break room and people get quiet... he wonders if they all know. Now they're making more cuts and his best buddy is on the list. But if you ask him, I am the blame for all his tension and unhappiness. He doesn't want that person that I was. It's pointless arguing that I've changed, cuz we just go round and round.

I miss him like crazy. I would give anything for a night with me in his arms.

It's all very confusing and very much a roller coaster of emotions. Thank goodness for Ativan!