Today my W saw my brother and his family for the first time since the bomb. It went well, although as late as this morning she was emailing me asking if my family hates her. My family doesn't hold grudges and they have no problem accepting her back into the fold.
BTW, we are still separated. She is staying at her apartment and I am getting the house all fixed up to sell (sigh - all the things I wanted to do to it for 5 years and never got around to - now for someone else!). This gives the cat a safe haven when I have contractors in the house (and protects them, since our cat is large and, let's just say cranky!), but part of it is she still needs to move slowly, and have space. She said she needs time before we "are intimate" because she had been with someone else, so I know it weighs heavy on her mind.
I really think there's a lot of guilt and she has so much trouble with it since she keeps everything in. I can't tell you how many times over the years she made very disparaging remarks about anyone who would commit adultery. In her mind, when she did it, I know she was convinced it was different because she was leaving me for good ad that was that. Then.... she felt she made a big mistake and it was hard to face up to what she'd done.
The things that still trouble me a lot are:
1) She refuses to talk about what happened with our relationship, the affair, etc. She has admitted she made a mistake and that's that.
2) She will hug and kiss me, but she does kind of pull away if I linger too long, and she gets all nervous. Not in a good way like people who are just falling in love. I think it's the guilt.
3) Not one single ILY since she agreed to try to start over. I admit, I've only "said it" via email, but no return. She did tell me she doesn't feel "overwhelming passion" but "more like companionship" and she has said that she missed how much we have in common. I told her that nobody has a relationship for years on end that is like the romance a new relationship brings. But the key is to develop that companionship all that.
4) She will not consider counseling under any circumstances. I'm considering an ultimatum when we get closer to moving. If I'm willing to move halfway across the country for her, she can give me 2 hrs with Michelle at the DB clinic in Boulder. We'll see. I'll have to play that card when the time comes, not too early.
