Ok, so now I'm envious of your concert experiences as well as your sich with DH.
Truly, though, has DH said why he doesn't come home? Your situation seems so unique to me -- DH eating meals with you, having dates with you, even physically interacting with you - that I wondered why he's not home.
I can't even imagine my H considering coming home, at least by the way he acts with me. He's cool and kind to a fault -- never raising his voice, always saying the problem's with him and not me -- but he won't ever eat meals with us - even when it's just the boys and him, and forget anything that might even hint at dating or physical touching. I keep thinking that maybe he's right and that maybe it's really not going to come back together. At least, his actions suggest that he's not going to give me even a hint of hope.
For you and DH, though, it seems like it has come together -- or almost. Enlighten me, GF. (Oh, and then come over and we'll dance to Prince on my deck )
I know we have got to be unique. I know this can't be normal. He won't come home because he says he has no feelings for me. That he lost that a long time ago during my depression when he felt I abandoned him.
I describe us as this solid foundation that has a whole bunch of crap on top, so you can't see it. Every now and then we'll clear some away, but it falls right back in again. He describes it as a sand timer. He's just not sure if the sand has run completely out of the glass.
He says his main concern is the boys. So I think if he comes home, it will be because of them. Or maybe that's why he stayed and eventually had to leave. He said I'm oppressive and kept him on leash.
I had put on a lot of weight and then lost most of it. I looked so much better, but still I wasn't comfortable. (He never knew.) I gained some back, but started going out with friends and he even thanked them saying "thank you for giving me back my wife"... but the more weight I gained, the further into depression I went and he lost me again... I lost me again. It's all very heartbreaking to me.
Okay, so do I tell you I do his laundry. I also make most of his lunches during the week. I have offered to do all these things... he has not insisted.
There have been several times over the past 2 years when he has said "welcome back... it's good to see you smiling again". HE said that several times. So I said does that mean you want me back and he said yes. WTF happened to all that????!!!! I think it's seriously MLC. He hates his job, but keeps it because it's a big name company. He says he hates going into the building because that's where the EA started. He hates going in to a conference room or the break room and people get quiet... he wonders if they all know. Now they're making more cuts and his best buddy is on the list. But if you ask him, I am the blame for all his tension and unhappiness. He doesn't want that person that I was. It's pointless arguing that I've changed, cuz we just go round and round.
I miss him like crazy. I would give anything for a night with me in his arms.
It's all very confusing and very much a roller coaster of emotions. Thank goodness for Ativan!
I don't know if we've discussed the details of like the laundry and lunches. The thing is... I think it's a control thing for me. See, most of my actions are done out of fear. If I don't do his laundry, he will spend time in a laundromat with maybe other single women? And what if he befriends one... The lunch. He can throw it out and I'd never know... but this way I *think* he's not out with any women.
I know what you mean -- about the control issue, that is. My problem isn't fear of other women; it's fear of H not needing me. I can sound real together, but I know that I have issues about boundaries and fears of being overwhelmed with someone else's needs, so control of how H needs me has become part of our R-dance.
I have only come to this understanding since H left, and now I wish to heck that I could do things differently. Still, I don't know that he didn't connect to me just because of this dance. The problem came when for whatever reason, H decided to stop dancing.
So, now I have to work on me and my control and boundary issues. This is where the meditation comes in, and the C, and trying to GAL in case I really blew it or H just couldn't stay in the marriage out of fear of losing that dance.
BLAH -- I was doing so well earlier. I think I need to go to bed.
I hope tomorrow goes well for you, whatever it brings. I'm going to try to get back that great feeling I had today. (Ah, the joys of DBing)
I'm sorry, Anne. I'm sure it's my posts lately that have got you down. They haven't been exactly uplifting. I haven't picked up DR in a long time (okay, so like a week). I probably should because I always feel better after reading it. I also have 2 more phone coaching sessions. I just don't know if I have anything to report to a coach, ya know? Sometimes I can see things working and can pinpoint...then I forget what they were during my down times... LOL!!
My calves hurt from yesterday's class. Also, I think I'm gonna have to return The Good Guy by Dean Koontz. It's so hit and miss with him (more miss than hit) that I rarely pick up his books anymore, but I thought I'd give this one a try. I have something else to read for the trip, I'll try that.
It's one of those rainy mornings where the best thing in the world would be to stay in bed and sleep in. *sigh*
Again, I apologize. This message board is both a curse and blessing.
It's not you nor your posts. I'm reading and posting just b/c it's fun to correspond with you. I think it's the late nights and it's that "kick back" that comes from each "high." I'll feel great, and then, after a while, it becomes an effort to keep it all going, and then the blues come back in.
I woke this morning thinking about this summer and how once the boys are out of school -- as of Monday! -- H will have no easy situation where he can see them on a regular basis. To add to that, in a week, he starts teaching summer school and the pace is such that only in the evenings will he have time to see them. This is when having him at home would be the solution -- the boys would have him around on a regular basis if they are around or not.
So, do I say this to him? Do I just ask him what he's thinking? I'm scared to suggest some type of exchange of kids - AKA custody swap type thing - as it would just make the whole D thing feel possible. I know what others would say -- if we do divorce, H wouldn't be here all the time and we'd have to find some solutions. And here's when my own pain about S2 comes roaring in and I want to scream at H that S2 deserves to have his dad around during his early teen years just as S1 did.
So here's the downside of yesterday's rise. I think that you are right that these boards are a blessing and a curse -- there are times when I know that I'm obsessing about all of this just b/c I'm reading them all the time -- but I'm a big girl and can "go dark" here too.
I read your posts and I can hear all of the emotions and ups-and-downs that are in my future if we hang in there. I can't imagine my H being as patient as you and your H in terms of how you are living; I think he would push the divorce before he would agree to live so comfortably together/apart. Still, if he doesn't push it, I don't know yet that I will, so I can imagine riding this roller coaster even more ferociously.
Today dawned grey and potentially rainy again, and I'm not sure even Prince will pull me out. Maybe I need to pick up one of the dozen books I have here waiting for me to read -- or maybe I'll just settle in to a marathon of watching the first season of House, M.D. (we only just discovered the show here in our house, and I can see why so many people love it!). It might not be as wonderful a day as yesterday, but please don't beat yourself up for that. It's just the DB/separation blues playing!
Well, JustD, I just had one of those talks with H that leaves me in pain but understanding our future more. He told me today that his feelings haven't changed since January when he walked out, and that he doesn't love me, doesn't want to consider any future with me, and doesn't want to be legally married, and if we had the money, he would have been divorced by now.
I think I have the answer for why your relationship with DH is so different from mine. I have been hoping that things betw. H&me have changed, or would change, and that this DBing would work. I don't have any hopes like that today. H has said he won't file any paperwork before the end of the year. I know, though, that he isn't going to do a lot to try to resurrect anything between us. He's going to IC for his own self -- and that I'm glad about -- and so there's a remote possibility that someday he might come to another place, but right now, I think I have to start giving up hope.
I can't believe I'm writing this. I can't believe this is happening! I think I wanted so much to believe that all that Michele has written - as well as all the others I have read - was right: that I could make a difference by changing even if he doesn't want it. I know that there might be more to do in terms of LRT and such, but I have no real hope today that any of that will work.
CRAP! I asked H to consider he wait for any filing until I get a full-time job (a long process when it involves getting a job in academia). He said he'd consider it but he wasn't necessarily agreeing (said that is one more way I'm trying to control things).
And yet, despite how harsh he sounds in this post, we talked for almost two hours and he wasn't all mean or combative. In fact, he was as courteous and trying to help me not hurt as always. He takes on so much of the blame for our marriage not working, and he says that what he's doing is selfish but the first thing he has done for his own needs. How can I argue with that?
Boy, is this day a washout compared to yesterday. I just knew it would be this morning. And although I know that talking R doesn't always mean what he says is what he means, I have to give him the respect that he means alot of what he's saying.
Anned...all I can say is I am so sorry you had to hear all of this...but I wouldn't say all is lost even yet...my H pretty much told me the same thing anytime we spoke from Sep 04 to Feb 06...and yet by March he was "rethinking" things...thinking that "maybe...maybe"..."no hopes"...and here we are a bit over a year later and doing much better then we were when all this went down...
My H said many many times that he was just done...that he had tried tried and tried some more over the YEARS!( I didn't realize we had a problem that was taking years of his trying but okay)....
So while your H is believing right now that he is done...and maybe you need to go along and believe it maybe that in 6 mos, 9 mos, or more...that he won't be as done as he is now...
- that I wondered why he's not home.
)
I think I need to go to bed. 
I haven't picked up DR in a long time (okay, so like a week). I probably should because I always feel better after reading it. I also have 2 more phone coaching sessions. I just don't know if I have anything to report to a coach, ya know? Sometimes I can see things working and can pinpoint...then I forget what they were during my down times... LOL!!